Did celebrities take last week off?
It seems that way, as so many of the stories in this week's tabloids relate to events that happened years, even decades ago, though naturally they are presented as "news" complete with the mandatory exclamation points.
Tom Cruise "self destructs over cancer diagnosis!" would seem to be a shocking new story in the National Enquirer, but of course it isn't Tom who was diagnosed with cancer, but his father, who died . . . wait for it . . . 33 years ago. Tom was well aware of his father's cancer, since he was at his dying dad's bedside, so his father's cancer diagnosis could hardly come as a shock, or news, to the actor.
Demi Moore "cheats death in cocaine overdose," screams the Enquirer headline. When did this supposedly happen? In 1985 – 32 years ago, barely a year after Tom Cruise's father's cancer diagnosis.
Continuing its streak of hot breaking news, the Enquirer reveals Sandra Bullock's "cheating hunk hit her!" When was she allegedly assaulted by a boyfriend? In high school – 35 years ago.
Globe joins in the fun with its story "Diana Ross put in mental ward!" This must seem like it happened only yesterday – back in 2001, a mere 16 years ago. "Rabid Rambo disembowels reality queen!" screams another Globe headline above a lurid true crime story that seems fresh by comparison – this only occurred in 2015.
Is there nothing new happening in the tabloids? Of course there is, if you count slain Nicole Brown Simpson's ghost haunting O.J. Simpson, and the "Mad Pooper In Deep Doo-Doo," referring to a phantom defecator outside a Colorado family's home, both courtesy of Globe.
The Enquirer tells us that Gwen Stefani is pregnant (because she appears to have a slightly bulging stomach in some photos) while the Globe cover story claims that Prince Charles' wife Camilla is "dying" and "has 8 months to live" after being diagnosed with liver cancer – a story that somehow eluded the entire Royal press corps in England, and which hasn't prompted a word of coverage in the U.K. It also mysteriously lacks the usually self-congratulatory "Globe World Exclusive" tag that such stories boast when the Editor at least thinks there may be a slim chance it's accurate.
Whatever happened to former White House aide Dick Morris, whose regular Enquirer column of Trump sycophancy carries the promise: "The most feared voice in politics"? He's penned a rant with the catchy title "How to kill Obamacare without even asking Congress!" But you won't find it in this week's Enquirer, because they didn't have room for it. Must be all that decades-old news pushing his fine prose off the pages. Instead, you have to look for his "feared voice" online at the Enquirer website. Morris must be even more fearful online, I'm sure.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at Us magazine to tell us that Hailey Baldwin wore it best, Scandal star Bellamy Young is a "crazy good knitter," that The Blacklist actress Megan Boone carries foundation, highlighter and lip tint in her Maison Mayle purse, and that the stars are just like us: they do gardening, exercise, shop and carry too many bags (because when the paparazzi come around they send home their gardeners, personal trainers, personal shoppers and personal assistants.)
Us gives us the softest of softball interviews with First Daughter Ivanka Trump, this week's cover girl revealing "My Life at the White House" – but don't expect any revelations. Ivanka won't tell us if she's crazy good at knitting, or if she carries lip tint in her purse. Instead, we learn that she feels "so blessed every day to be able to come in to work at the White House," though she avoids reading criticism because "If I engaged too deeply, I wouldn't be able to prioritize the things I came here to do."
Ivanka also reveals the biggest misconception about her father, President Donald Trump: "… how empathetic he is doesn't always come through." Ya think?
People magazine devotes its cover to the "Nightmare in Las Vegas – Heartbreak & Heroes," which tells the stories of survivors, but can't help fetishizing human suffering, and makes each story sound like the "journey" of a contestant on American Idol.
Leave it to the National Examiner to bring us the oldest breaking news of the week: newly declassified CIA files allegedly offer evidence that Hitler was alive in Colombia after World War II – in 1955. That's only 62 years ago, which qualifies as breaking news in this week's tabloids.
Onwards and downwards . . .