Trump hiding DC sex scandals, Bill & Hillary's $350m divorce, and "you can fly," in this week's tabloids

Donald Trump deliberately hides the sex scandals and indiscretions of Washington, D.C. lawmakers, keeping the shameful information as potential blackmail material, reveals the National Enquirer this week.
The president has amassed Nixon-style "dirt files containing damaging information on roguish elected officials, top military officials, top military officers and high-level bureaucrats," claims the report.
Trump's "little black book" is "filled with the dirty sex secrets of top politicos – and he's not afraid to use it."

It's an extraordinarily damning report from the Enquirer, which has been one of Trump's staunchest supporters, fed inside information from the White House, and whose reporting has been lavishly praised by Trump.

Of course, they don't openly call him a "blackmailer" who is immorally keeping sex scandals secret to manipulate powerful lawmakers, though that's clearly what the story suggests. Rather, the Enquirer seems to be praising Trump for having power over sleazy politicians. Sure sounds like he's protecting scumbags with a view to blackmail, however.

Pregnant Princess Kate "takes off her ring in war with William," reports the Globe, claiming that the British royal is battling her husband over potential kidnap threats to their children. Why else would a pregnant woman take off her engagement ring? With all the rent-a-quote doctors, psychologists, private eyes and voice-stress analysts at their disposal, could the Globe not find a physician to explain that a pregnant woman's hands can swell and she may need to remove rings when they feel too tight?

No such problems for this week's thin brigade, those unfortunates targeted by the Enquirer Guess Your Weight team who this week attack 93 lb "skeletal" Sharknado star Tara Reid, allegedly so thin she is "facing jaws of death" (Sharknado! Jaws! Geddit?!) and "walking skeleton" singer Faith Hill "at a shocking 99 lbs." These women are almost as thin as the reporting on these stories.

Hillary Clinton "demands $350 million divorce" as "new sex assault scandal rocks Bill," reports the Globe. What? One more sex harassment accuser is going to push Hillary over the edge, after Monicagate, impeachment, and a string of sex assault and harassment allegations against her husband? Wishful thinking.

Us magazine devotes its cover to Anna Nicole Smith's 11-year-old daughter opening up about "My Life Without Mommy," which seems unnecessarily intrusive, mawkish and unedifying. Dannielynn was five months old when her mother died of a drug overdose, so it's not as if she has much in the way of memories of Anna Nicole. Dannielynn may be a child model and tabloid darling, but the fact that she struggles to wake up in the mornings, wants to become a dolphin trainer (because who doesn't love a wild animal trapped in a tiny aquarium?) and has puppies named Chewie and Pop Tart, hardly seems revelatory.

Us gives four pages to the impending Royal Wedding of Prince Harry and American actress Meghan Markle, predicting that the Queen will want the nuptials at Westminster Abbey (they'll be at Windsor Castle).
People magazine gives its cover and six pages inside to "Harry's American Princess," rehashing old stories as if they're new again.

At least it's better than the National Examiner, whose cover declares: "Queen Forbids Harry's Wedding!" Oh the joys of early deadlines overtaken by reality.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us mag to tell us that Angelina Jolie wore it best, Mandy Moore is "a fan of sour candy," that Ashley Johnson fills her Patagonia backpack with a Nintendo Switch, retro headphones and pumpkin-shaped Reese's Peanut Butter cups, and that the stars are just like us: they eat pizza, snap photos, and sit on Santa's lap. Hang on a second . . . why is Derek Hough sitting on the knee of a fat bearded guy in a red velvet suit? Definitely not just like us.

The Examiner reports that "levitation is real," citing scientists studying the phenomenon of "sleep floating," in which people wake from dreams to find themselves in mid-air above their beds. Should we be concerned that there is no discernible trace of the "top neurologist" claimed to be investigating these incidents in his British laboratory, nor any obvious trace of levitators they name in Georgia and New Jersey? It's probably all part of a massive government cover-up that's all noted in Donald Trump's little black book. Of course not. You can bet that the president is levitating near the ceiling of the Lincoln bedroom at this very moment.

Onwards and downwards . . .