It’s rare, but once in a while the tabloids just get a story right. While Us magazine bores us with the “most fascinating people of 2017” (Melania Trump? Meghan Markle?) and the National Enquirer tells us “What shocked and rocked in 2017” (branding Hollywood’s sex harassment scandals “Pervnado"), it is the Globe that hits the pitch-perfect end-of-year note with its “50 Most Annoying People of 2017.”
Its catalogue of “whiners, losers and lamebrains” is hard to argue with: Kim Kardashian, Bill O’Reilly, Justin Bieber, Madonna, Harvey Weinstein, Angelina Jolie, Gwyneth Paltrow . . . the list goes on. Caitlyn Jenner, Megyn Kelly, Anthony Scaramucci, Johnny Depp . . . there’s ten pages of this, and I’ll bet they could have filled the entire magazine with names if they wanted to.
Yet the Globe inexplicably omits the year's unquestionably most annoying person: Donald Trump. It’s another week when the Trump-toadying tabloids become the mouthpiece of the White House, with highly debatable information that appears spoon-fed from the West Wing.
“Clintons Rigged Trump Investigation!” screams the grammatically-challenged cover of the Enquirer, which claims to have exposed “Bill & Hillary’s dirty tricks” in loading special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigative team with Clinton supporters. But while Mueller’s law firm WilmerHale indeed made contributions to Democrats as the Enquirer alleges, it also made substantial contributions to Republicans, in fact donating almost twice as much to Republicans from 1996 to 2002, though favoring Democrats in recent years.
Prince Harry’s betrothed Meghan Markle’s father Tom “won’t live to see wedding,” predicts the Enquirer, based solely on a photo that shows the 73-year-old appearing rather portly. They roll out the standard rent-a-quote doctors to explain the health dangers of being overweight, concluding that Mr. Markle is “eating and smoking himself to early grave.” Obesity carries many risks, it’s true, but it takes the Enquirer team of medically trained psychics to diagnose that Mr. Markle’s demise will come before his daughter’s wedding in May.
The Globe doesn’t need psychics, however, when it has a “body language expert” to predict that Big Bang Theory actress Kaley Cuoco’s “upcoming marriage is doomed!” It must be right – you can’t argue with science.
The Queen’s “last Christmas” is in ruins, reports the Globe. You might think she’d be happy with a third child on the way for grandson Prince William, and Prince Harry poised to walk down the aisle, but no – the Globe reveals: “It’s malice at the palace like we’ve never seen before,” according to an “insider.” Maybe it's one of the Queen’s Corgis ratting out the Royals again. Apparently the Royals are all at each others’ throats, because they’re just characters in a soap opera, after all.
Old houses always need a lot of maintenance, and the White House is no exception. The General Services Administration, which maintains the venerable mansion, recently reported that it has dealt with cockroach infestations, mice and ants, and replaced a toilet seat in the Oval Office bathroom – all routine problems that have plagued the abode for decades, through successive administrations. But that’s enough for the Globe to claim: “Obama family left place a total disaster . . . leaving it a disgusting vermin-infested roach motel."
Snopes has noted that President Jimmy Carter battled mice and that First Lady Barbara Bush had a run-in with a rat. President Grover Cleveland’s wife found a giant rat trying to devour her pet canary, and lamented numerous infestations of spiders and cockroaches. Screw history, says the Globe, it’s all the fault of those filthy Obamas.
People magazine barely brightens the mood with its innocuously bland cover story on Full House star John Stamos revealing: “I’m Gonna Be a Dad!” When a man realizes at the age of 54 that “I had to do some work on myself first” before considering fatherhood, and admits "I had to straighten up,” it’s not so much a reason for celebration as it is for sadness that it took him so long.
Fortunately Us magazine’s crack team of investigative reporters tell us that Jennifer Lopez wore it best (when did we stop calling her J Lo?), that Kate Sackhoff carries eyedrops, decongestant and skin cream in her Chanel bag, and that the stars are just like us: they grocery shop, buy Christmas trees and feed parking meters. But wait! This week Us brings us a rare page of reality: “Stars – They’re NOT like Us!” They ride on yachts, have streets named after them, and fly in private jets. I always had my suspicions that the stars were not like us, but now it’s finally been proven! Thank you, Us magazine.
Onwards and downwards . . .