Using ranch dressing for bongwater is bad, but mouthwash is good

Justin Caffier was good enough to play human guinea pig in the quest for the ideal liquid to put in a bong. Colloids and emulsions quickly got ruled out after his disastrous attempts at using ranch dressing:

What good would this whole ordeal be if I didn't push my lungs and bong to their very limits in the process? In an affront to God that surely cancelled out the effects of the holy water I'd tested, I uncapped a bottle of Hidden Valley ranch and stuck that bad boy upside-down at the top of the bong's neck, letting gravity slowly pull out its viscous contents. Even as a fan of ranch, the acrid smell was making me queasy. Furthermore, I worried I wouldn't have the required lung-power to pull smoke through so thick a fluid. After read a few motivational quotes and putting on "Eye of the Tiger" to pump myself up, I sparked the bowl of my experiment's final boss.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." This quote—misattributed to Winston Churchill—ran through my head as I battled with the predictably stubborn dressing, struggling to spark the bowl. Try after try, my flame found no purchase on the green in the bowl. Onward I pressed, my alveoli on fire, until finally, with one big primordial bubble, the smoke broke through to the surface and rushed into my chest with the jolt of a defibrillator resuscitation. As I coughed for the next half hour, I noted that the smoke was surprisingly devoid of any additional ranchy zest.

My Ridiculous Quest to Find the Perfect Bong Water (Vice)

Image: Heath Alseike