Justin Caffier was good enough to play human guinea pig in the quest for the ideal liquid to put in a bong
. Colloids and emulsions quickly got ruled out after his disastrous attempts at using ranch dressing:
What good would this whole ordeal be if I didn’t push my lungs and bong to their very limits in the process? In an affront to God that surely cancelled out the effects of the holy water I’d tested, I uncapped a bottle of Hidden Valley ranch and stuck that bad boy upside-down at the top of the bong's neck, letting gravity slowly pull out its viscous contents. Even as a fan of ranch, the acrid smell was making me queasy. Furthermore, I worried I wouldn’t have the required lung-power to pull smoke through so thick a fluid. After read a few motivational quotes and putting on “Eye of the Tiger” to pump myself up, I sparked the bowl of my experiment’s final boss.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” This quote—misattributed to Winston Churchill—ran through my head as I battled with the predictably stubborn dressing, struggling to spark the bowl. Try after try, my flame found no purchase on the green in the bowl. Onward I pressed, my alveoli on fire, until finally, with one big primordial bubble, the smoke broke through to the surface and rushed into my chest with the jolt of a defibrillator resuscitation. As I coughed for the next half hour, I noted that the smoke was surprisingly devoid of any additional ranchy zest.
• My Ridiculous Quest to Find the Perfect Bong Water (Vice)
Image: Heath Alseike
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