Itâs a new year, but itâs sex, fat-shaming and politics as usual in this weekâs tabloids.
Meghan Markle is a âshameless sexpot,â rages the National Enquirer, positively shocked â shocked, I tell you â that Prince Harryâs betrothed wore a âdaring sheer topâ in official photographs. The hussy. An allegedly âstunnedâ Queen has decreed a makeover, and âcalled in tutors to spend several hours a day teaching Meghan how to be a real-life Princess.â Sounds like some reporters have been watching too many reruns of The Princess Diaries.
Cameron Diaz is pregnant with a âbaby miracleâ claims the Enquirer, with photographic proof of her baby bump. Oh, no she isnât, reports Us magazine, using the same set of photos to demonstrate âCameronâs heartbreakâ at not getting pregnant after her âsecret IVF struggle.â
The Globe offers âNew Proof Diana Was Murdered!â This word, âproofâ â I do not think it means what you think it means. A paramedic who helped transfer the Princess from her wrecked car into an ambulance says â. . . when she was put in the ambulance she was alive â and I expected her to live.â Given the inability of even the best-trained doctor to assess internal injuries, these words of French firefighter Sgt. Xavier Gourmelon hardly count as proof of anything, except his optimism in the face of a horrific car crash.
The tabloids continue aspiring to be a sexed-up version of The Washington Post with further forays into politics. âWhat Trumpâs Tax Cut Means For You!â screams the Globe cover, seemingly oblivious that its low-paid working class demographic are those being screwed the hardest by the presidentâs gift to Americaâs top one per cent. âTrumpâs Tax Triumph!â reads the impartial, fair and balanced headline inside. How will the poor benefit? The Globe explains: âThis tax cut should benefit many of the lower income taxpayers by simplifying the complicated process of filing oneâs return.â Well, thatâs a bargain. Who wouldnât want to give tax breaks to corporations and the mega-wealthy in exchange for a simpler tax form?
The Enquirer tackles international affairs with its usual nuanced delicacy: âNuke-Crazed Kim Signing Own Death Warrant!â The rag reports that the âNorth Korean kook wants World War III â but heâs in over his head.â An international expert tells the Globe that Jong-un will target his nukes on Trump Tower in New York, which seems a move designed only to push Trump to spend more time golfing at Mar-a-Lago in Florida.
Getting back to its roots, the Enquirer also reports on the âReal-Life Frankensteinâ who âsold diseased body parts,â and gives us the classic old-school headline: âMom Sawed My Dad to Pieces!â
Nostradamus is the gift that keeps on giving, and this week the 16th-century seer is back forecasting a North Korean war with Japan, vice president Mike Penceâs rise to become Trumpâs successor, and a stock market crash. You have to hand it to olâ Nostradamus, foreseeing the existence of Mike Pence and the creation of the stock market. All this comes courtesy of a âlong-lostâ notebook of Nostradamus, allegedly rediscovered by a Swedish historian who âinterpretsâ the ancient predictions, as reported by the National Examiner.
The tabloids also continue their tone-deaf criticism of anyone who dares to have more than two per cent body fat. Actress Helen Hunt is deemed âflab-ulousâ by the Globe despite looking slender in a bikini at 54, while actor Brendan Fraser is dubbed âGeorge of the Jiggleâ for not having rock-hard jungle abs at the age of 49. The Enquirer reports that Hugh Jackman is âditching ripped for roly-poly,â while the Examiner brands TVâs former Dallas star Charlene Tilton âan overweight, washed-up recluse.â Nothing judgmental there.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative squad at Us magazine to tell us that Jennifer Lawrence wore it best, that Lisa Rinna has âonly had one cavityâ her entire life, that Tyra Banks carries chewing gum, body butter, and her sonâs toy VW bug van named âBong Bongâ (clearly meant to be called âBoingBoingâ) in her MZ Wallace carryall, and that the stars are just like us: they shop for groceries, get coffee and pick up litter. Gripping.
Us devotes its cover to âThe Untold Storyâ of Katie Holmesâ romance with Jamie Foxx, and âHow Real Love Changed Katie,â though the âno-strings-attached romanceâ the mag describes makes them sound more like friends with benefits than a couple in love.
People magazineâs cover features Today show co-anchors Hoda Kotb and Savannah Guthrie, who reveal âOur hearts were brokenâ by the Matt Lauer sex scandal. I imagine every woman who was a victim of Lauerâs sexual harassment, which Kotb and Guthrie seem to have watched silently from the sidelines, might say the same.
Onwards and downwards . . .