"Oprah Answers Everything!" screams the cover of People magazine, which seems a slight exaggeration since she doesn't explain why my heating system only breaks down on the coldest days of the year, or why Easter Islanders erected the Moai statues.
But the article answers about as much as any story does in this week's fact-challenged tabloids.
"This is Harry's Real Dad!" proclaims the cover of the National Enquirer, revealing that former Guards officer Mark Dyer is Prince Harry's biological father. This comes from the same publication that has been telling us for several years that former cavalry officer James Hewitt is "Harry's Real Father," as it did on August 12, 2016. As evidence for Dyer's paternity, the Enquirer cites the fact that both are red-heads. By that logic, Lucille Ball must be Harry's biological mother.
There's as little sense in the Globe cover story: "FBI Raids Scientology Celebrity Center!" Alongside photos of Tom Cruise and John Travolta it adds: "Darkest secrets of Hollywood's top megastars exposed!" You have to read almost to the end of the two-page exposé to learn that the FBI raid that seized 20,000 documents occurred in 1977 – years before Cruise, Travolta, Will Smith or Kirstie Alley joined the self-professed Church, so their darkest secrets are unlikely to be exposed just yet.
Cruise also appears in this week's Enquirer in a story claiming that the Hollywood action hero has been seeking sex tips from British porn-star-turned-sex-guru Marcus London, who terms himself a "vagician" for his ability to pleasure women. The story, which lacks any evidence or verifiable detail, claims that "Tom could use some serious pointers," presumably because being a handsome, wealthy movie star makes it hard to impress a woman.
And then there are the stories which seem to have been created just for the hell of it: Angelina Jolie is in therapy because ex-husband Brad Pitt is back with his ex Jennifer Aniston, claims the Enquirer, putting together a string of wouldn't-it-be-fun-if-this-happened events, while the National Examiner cover story tells us that Prince Charles' wife "Camilla Put In Mental Ward!" Well, you can't argue with the facts, even if the entire Royal British press corps managed to miss this story.
The Enquirer, always overly generous with its "Exclusive" tags, this week brings us an "Enquirer Exclusive" reporting that "Two-Timer" Ewan McGregor has been "Dumped By Mistress!" It would have been a better exclusive if the identical story hadn't appeared a week earlier in the Star magazine.
People mag brings us an "Exclusive" on the "Most shocking Bachelor finale ever!" about the upcoming episode in which TV's Bachelor star Arie Luyendyk does something so egregious that it "promises to be truly, seriously, the most dramatic final rose ceremony ever" – but for the sake of its delicate readers, won't say what it is that he does.
Us mag has no such concern, revealing in its cover story that – spoiler alert – Luyendyk proposes marriage to one woman, only to change his mind and dump her to pursue the runner-up he had rejected. But it also leaves readers in suspense by not revealing which of the two women gets engaged then dumped, and which one ends up with the man with the personality of a low-salt rice cake.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at Us mag to tell us that Malin Akerman wore it best, that Vanna White has "worn more than 6,700 dresses – never the same one twice," that Constance Zimmer carries sunglasses, lipstick and gum in her Clare V tote, and that the stars are just like us: they drink coffee, buy groceries, and put gas in their cars. We see these identical shots so often, I suspect there must be paparazzi who do nothing but hang out at grocery stores and gas stations in Malibu and Beverly Hills.
Leave it to the Examiner to tell us that cats have "psychic powers" to "predict bad weather and good fortune – and communicate with spirits!" I expect there must be several cats on the reporting staffs of the tabloids – that would explain their uncanny accuracy.
Onwards and downwards . . .
