The Onion wishes to speak to Michael Cohen about the angry email he sent them in 2013

In January 2013, The Onion ran a satire piece "written" by "Donald Trump," titled, "When You're Feeling Low, Just Remember I'll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years." (Excerpt: "In the not-very-distant future I will die and then be gone from the world for all eternity. You may even get to watch me in a casket on national television being lowered into the ground, never to be seen again. I bet you’re smiling just thinking about that... Indeed, you can always take solace in the fact that the monstrous, unimaginable piece of shit that is me will stop existing fairly soon, and that I will continue to not exist for the remainder of your lifetime.")

A couple of weeks later, Trump's lawyer, Michael Cohen, sent The Onion an unintentionally funny email, asking The Onion to contact him "immediately to discuss," saying "the article is an absolutely disgusting piece that lacks any place in journalism; even in your Onion." He adds, "This commentary goes way beyond defamation and, if not immediately removed, I will take all actions necessary to ensure your actions do not go without consequence. Guide yourself accordingly."

The editors of The Onion say they would love to speak with Cohen now.

Unfortunately, this email must have been improperly sorted by one of the Malaysian children who work in our mailroom, and was only discovered crumpled up under a pile of journalism awards in a remote corner of our offices last week. We read the email, and given Mr. Trump’s ascension to the presidency since its writing, we want to apologize for the delay and would be delighted to meet with Mr. Cohen in person—at the White House, perhaps?