Royal Scandals: Drugs, Divorce, and Free Booze for Life, in this week’s royally dubious tabloids

When there’s nothing new to say, at least the tabloids say it loudly.

“Bribe Tapes Exposed!” screams the cover of this week’s’National Enquirer,’ reporting on the “college rigging scandal” with transcripts of actress Lori Loughlin’s phone calls to the man behind the cheating scandal - all publicly available and widely reported for more than a month.

“Drug Scandal Rocks Harry’s Paternity Party,” reports the ‘Enquirer.’

No, it didn’t.

There’s no confirmation of any bachelor party planned by expectant dad Prince Harry, and if he stages such a bash it’s sheer speculation that it would be at London bar The Sands Ends, as the ‘Enquirer’ guesses. And the “drug scandal”? A “team of ‘Enquirer’ investigators” swabbed the bar’s toilet seats and windowsills and found traces of cocaine and crack - just as they did in the Houses of Parliament, Buckingham Palace, and everywhere the public use bathrooms. That’s hardly a drug scandal rocking Harry’s party.

Tom Selleck’s $10m memoir will “blow the lid off” his divorce, claims the ‘Enquirer.’ The actor revealed this month that he is penning his story, promising tales from on set and his private life - but that hardly means he’ll stick the knife into his divorce 37 years ago, way back in 1982. Selleck “may also slam the new version of Tom’s career-making ‘Magnum, P.I.’ TV show,” claims the report. Sure, he may.

Or may not.

Kidnapped British child "Madeleine McCann’s Secret Grave Found!” proclaims the ‘Enquirer.’ It’s been 12 years since the three-year-old was snatched while visiting Portugal. So why does the ‘Enquirer’ add that "Cops Ignore Breakthrough in Search For Missing Girl”? Because police know that the ‘Enquirer' satellite image purportedly showing disturbed ground is most likely meaningless.

“William & Kate Divorce Talks!” shouts the ‘Globe’ cover, repeating last week’s story as if they mean it this time. But it’s just more wild speculation from an unnamed Palace “courtier,” alleging that the Royal couple have both retained attorneys amid gossip that William cheated on Kate with her old friend Rose Hanbury. Duchess Kate and Prince Harry have allegedly “hired lawyers to talk about custody and money” - a move that would seem incredibly premature, considering they’re barely past the plate-throwing, cold-shoulder phase of any marital tiff based on what even the ‘Globe’ admits as “rumors.”

Equally plausible is the ‘Globe’ story about songbird Celine Dion “Quitting Vegas to Drive Truck!” Inspired by a photo of Dion behind the wheel of a big rig, the story claims that she plans to drive an 18-wheeler across America while on her concert tour. Because every singing superstar wants to arrive at a concert venue exhausted after hours behind the steering wheel. Not to mention her lack of a Commercial Vehicle License.

Details, details.

‘People’ and ‘Us’ magazines both devote pages to Lori Loughlin’s college cheating scandal, facing up to 40 years in prison if convicted on all charges. “A Star’s Fall From Grace”is the ‘People’ cover story, while ‘Us’ reveals why her not guilty plea “will backfire.” They both manage to inflate their stories without the addition of a single new detail, except for unnamed sources telling both publications that Loughlin doesn’t understand how deeply she’s in trouble.

The Duchess formerly known as Meghan Markle “breaks tradition!” with her plan to give birth at home, reports ‘People,’ which evidently has its own definition of the word “tradition.” Princess Diana and her daughter-in-law Duchess Kate both gave birth in a hospital, but Royal tradition for centuries has been to give birth at home, just as Queen Elizabeth gave birth to Prince Charles at Buckingham Palace. Meghan is actually reverting to tradition, not breaking it.

Details, details.

The most outrageous Royal story of the week unsurprisingly comes from the ‘Globe,’ which takes its long-standing loathing of Prince Charles’ wife to fresh levels of fun with its headline: “Camilla Wins Free Booze For Life!” Well, not exactly. Prince Charles is converting the stables and granary at the Castle of Mey in Scotland into an upscale bed and breakfast hotel, and has applied for a liquor license to be run as an “honesty bar” with guests leaving cash for whatever they drink. Even though the future King of England and his wife are not expected to ever be guests at this B&B, the ‘Globe’ has decided it’s the perfect way for Camilla to “sneak off and knock back her favorite gin and tonics to her heart’s content - without Charles suspecting a thing,” according to a “high-level palace insider.

Right.

Because Camilla would sneak away to a B&B where she’d be seen boozing by every guest and chambermaid, instead of drinking the unlimited supply of liquor stocked at every Royal palace across the length and breadth of Britain? Isn’t being a member of the Royal Family;y the same as winning free booze for life?

“The alcoholic duchess is tinkled pink!” says the palace insider. well, who wouldn’t be?

Onwards and downwards . . .