A Royal coup, Malia Obama's bribe scandal, and man-eating Angelina Jolie, in this week’s reality-challenged tabloids

Photo: Martin Sotirov (CC BY 2.0)

When Carlos Castaneda spoke of “a separate reality,” he could easily have been thinking of this week’s through-the-looking-glass tabloids.

How else to explain the ‘Globe’ cover story: “Malia Obama Caught Up in Harvard Bribe Scandal!” No, she isn’t. Malia allegedly took tennis lessons from the Harvard tennis coach accused of accepting bribes for recruiting non-athletes to the university. But Malia didn’t win a tennis scholarship to Harvard, or any athletic scholarship, so there’s no scandal, just unjustified innuendo.

The ‘National Enquirer’ is no better with its cover story about a coup within the British Royal Family, proclaiming: “William Seizes Throne From Charles! Declares Own Father Unfit to Rule.”

Three minor details: Charles doesn’t have the throne to begin with; The monarch doesn’t “rule” Britain any longer; and the Queen is doubtless aware of the Act of Settlement of 1701 governing the royal succession, which will make Charles the King on her demise whether she or Prince William like it or not. Even if Charles wanted to abdicate on succeeding to the crown it would require an Act of Parliament to make it legal.

The ‘Globe’ sticks it to the Royals with its story: “Mean Meghan to Kate: Keep Your Baby Advice!” Duchess Meghan allegedly exploded angrily when Kate phoned to offer parenting advice. Because the ‘Globe’ monitors all private Royal phone calls, so this must be true.
“Man-Eater Angie Strikes Again!” reports the ‘Globe’ about Angelina Jolie, referring to her sexual appetites rather than any possible cannibalism. Jolie is set to “gobble up her hunky new co-star Nicholas Hoult,” claims the rag, though it’s hard to tell if that is an oral sex reference or if she just want to jump his bones - or maybe she has turned cannibal? Does it matter that they haven’t even begun filming together? Angie “can’t wait to hang out with him,” says an insider. Right.

“Shattered” actress Goldie Hawn was cruelly “dumped by phone!” by her long-time love, actor Kurt Russell, reports the ‘Globe.’ Or at least, she was spotted looking upset while on a phone call, so “insiders” suspect that Russell must have been dumping her with the call. What else could possibly have upset her so much? Answers on a postcard please to Goldie Hawn.

The college cheating scandal commands the cover of ‘Us’ magazine with the tantalizing headline about actresses Loughlin and Huffman: “Lori & Felicity: What They’re Still Hiding.” Sadly, in four pages of coverage the magazine doesn’t hint at a single secret that either actress might be “hiding.” Maybe they know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried, or why Malia Obama didn’t have to buy her way into Harvard.

Michelle Obama has penned an essay for this week's ‘People’ magazine on learning to be a good mother by keeping her mouth shut: “My mum knew that her voice was less important than allowing me to use my own,” Michelle writes. She’s clearly trying to encourage agency and individuality in young women, but I’m not sure that’s an empowering feminist message when it encourages mothers to be “zip-lipped” so that their daughters can speak. Bizarrely, she doesn’t mention paying bribes to buy Malia a place at Harvard. Clearly she’s hiding something.

‘Us’ magazine tells us that Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan’s newborn son Archie “is already revolutionizing the kingdom.” That’s quite an achievement for a kid not even two weeks old. Just wait till he learns to crawl. In his first public statement, revolutionary Archie said: “I am not interested in economic socialism. We are fighting against misery, but we are also fighting against alienation.” Or was that Che Guevara? So easy to confuse the two.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us’ mag to tell us that Elizabeth Banks wore it best, that SNL alum Ana Gasteyer has “a lot of hair,” that actress Ginnifer Goodwin keeps Fortnum & Mason tea, sunglasses and a vintage flip phone in her Tamara Mellon Kiss satchel, and that the stars are just like us: they take the train, carry their own groceries, and eat ice cream cones. Reassuringly, they all look dreadfully disheveled doing it . . . just like us.

Onwards and downwards . . .