RFK's mystery shooter, the Queen's wrath, and Doris Day's dogs, in this week's dubious tabloids

“RFK Second Shooter Found!” screams the cover of this week’s ‘Globe,’ revealing the identity of the “girl in a polka-dot dress” seen leaving Robert F Kenned's assassination scene in 1968.

The "Explosive Globe Investigation" names the "mystery" woman as Patricia 'Elayn' Neal, who was actually identified in a well-researched book on RFK's murder published in June 2018. It's taken the 'Globe' 11 months to repeat the story, though they claim to have an interview – three short sentences – with Neal's ex-husband, claiming that he "believes" Neal was present at the shooting, and believes she "pulled the trigger." Suspiciously, the ex-husband is never named. More troubling, two of Neal's three husbands had married her after the shooting, and her first husband hasn't been identified, let alone spoken publicly. Omitting his name is probably just an editing error – they couldn't be making this stuff up, could they?

British Royals "Harry & Meghan Raising Baby in America," proclaims the cover of the 'National Enquirer,' inspired by an unsubstantiated UK report that the couple are house-hunting in Los Angeles. The pair have been "exiled" by the Queen to Africa, claims the 'Enquirer,' but headstrong Meghan is flaunting that Royal decree and is instead moving to Los Angeles where "she'll be treated like a queen" and her mother will "babysit and wait on her hand and foot." As if.

The 'Globe' continues to prove it either has spies inside every Royal palace or reporters with vvid imaginations, with its exclusive about the "fed-up Queen's wrath" at Duchess Meghan: "Off With Her Head!" Not that Her Majesty actually plans to decapitate the Duchess – which would, admittedly, be a good story. The Queen allegedly "detests" Meghan and is "outraged" by her lack of decorum. Adding insult to injury, Duchess Kate no longer speaks to Meghan. Ignore those photos of the Queen and Kate smiling and laughing with Meghan, says the 'Globe': it's all a facade "to save face for the monarchy." Right.

'Us' magazine jumps on the Royal bandwagon with its story: "Baby Archie Coming to America!" A summer trip is allegedly planned by Duchess Meghan and her son, "most likely" to New York City. Three days earlier 'Us' reported online that Meghan and Archie were going to Los Angeles in the summer. Clearly Meghan can't make up her mind.

Country singing legend "Kenny Rogers Prepares to Die!" reports the 'Enquirer – as they've been saying for three years now. Sooner or later they have to be right.

"Doris Day's Dogs vs Grandson: Bitter Fight Over $200m Fortune!" claims the 'Enquirer,' which then undermines its own story by noting that Day's will hasn't yet been read and nobody knows who is getting her fortune – though the wise money's on her favored pet charities getting the bulk. Day's grandson Ryan Melcher, who admits not speaking to his grandmother since 2004, is simply asking to be recognized as her sole grandchild. No problem. Hi, Ryan.

You know that the 'Enquirer' doesn't have much faith in its story about a fight over soul queen Aretha Franklin's "three newly discovered wills" when the rag admits the documents "could be as phony as a three-dollar bill . . . and likely won't be accepted in court!"

The 'Globe' exposes 'Wheel of Fortune' duo "Vanna & Pat Sajak's Forbidden Love!" Is this a torrid tale of passion grabbed between flipping consonants and buying vowels? No such luck. Their "sexy secret" is that they like each other but have never dated or hooked up. So it's not a "forbidden love_ – they just don't like each other that way.

'Us' devotes its cover to Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton under the headline: "Faith, Family & Life on the Ranch." Evidently it's all rainbows and butterflies for the 'The Voice' duo, who naturally haven't spoken to the magazine for the story. "They're a match made in heaven" says 'The Voice' season 16 contestant Kim Cherry. Well, she'd know.

'People' magazine brings us "The Untold Story of Elton John," which has been told many, many times before, but the magazine banks on most people having forgotten the details.

College cheating scandal queen Lori Loughlin's "Plan to Avoid Prison" is promised on the cover of 'People,' though the story inside hardly lives up to expectations. Her plan? "Mounting a vigorous defense against the charges." Good plan! Insightful reporting, as ever.

Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Malin Akerman wore it best, that Nicky Hilton Rothschild is "addicted to Hot Tamales" candy (there's a self-help group for that), that comedian Ali Wong carries Neosporin and Armicare cream to "prevent bruising" (she claims her kids, aged three and one, beat her "black-and-blue" – or is she hiding something?) in her multiuse Senreve bag, and that the stars are just like us: they ride trains, planes, and roller-coasters. Uplifting and inspirational, as ever.

Onwards and downwards . . .