The 'National Enquirer' goes a long way to finding out with its latest cover proclaiming the end of George Clooney's marriage to human rights attorney Amal.
"$500 million Divorce Bombshell," it yells. "Furious Clooney Takes The Twins!"
The couple's marriage of nearly five years has exploded, claims the rag, because Clooney is furious that Amal's work prosecuting ISIS has made his family a terrorist target, forcing him to hide their six-year-old twins, Ella and Alexander, at their home in Sardinia.
If it seems like it was only last month that the 'Enquirer' claimed it was Amal dumping George on his birthday, that's because it was. Back in January the 'Enquirer' was claiming that Amal had taken the twins and she'd done the storming off.
What could possibly be wrong with this week's yarn?
Clooney doesn't own a "Sardinian fortress," or any home in Sardinia. He rented one there while filming 'Catch-22' last year, but still favors his Italian home in Lake Como.
Clooney has always been supportive of Amal's humanitarian work, and the 'Enquirer' fails to mention that its story originated with an interview the actor gave to The Hollywood Reporter's awards podcast last month, in which he admitted: "We don't really want our kids to be targets, so we have to pay attention to that." But far from hiding in fear, Clooney insisted: "We live our lives. We don't hide in corners."
As for a rocky marriage, despite wishful tabloid thinking it appears to be untrue, and the couple's recently-announced charity fundraiser offering the winner lunch with George and Amal at their Lake Como home would seem to quash rumors of a split.
Far from fearing ISIS, it's the paparazzi who terrorize the Clooneys, he revealed last month: "My wife and I wanted to walk our kids in Central park, and that's just not possible. We tried, but we walk out the door and everybody surrounds them. And there's a bounty on my kids' head for a photo, so that's something that we are very conscious of."
The 'Globe' is equally off the mark with its cover headline screaming: "Michelle Obama Divorce Crisis! Barack finally pushed his fed-up wife too far." What did the former President do now?
"Retired Barack's been playing golf, schmoozing with pals, and still playing politics – leaving friends worrying his behavior could plunge the Obama marriage into another crisis."
Golf, friends, and politics. What wife wouldn't complain? As if.
By its own admission, the story suggests that unnamed "friends" are "worrying" that a split might happen, which is hardly the same as being in the midst of a "divorce crisis." The 'Globe' justifies this speculation by claiming that Michelle "forced Barack into therapy" years ago when he was devoted full-time to politics. The story carries the grammatically-challenged banner "Only In Globe!" presumably because no other media outlet would touch such a story.
"Star Wars Ripping Royal Family Apart!" claims a 'Globe' headline. Sadly, it's not Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker crossing lightsabers at Buckingham palace, though that would be cool. It's reportedly Prince William and wife Duchess Kate "furious over being upstaged by Harry and wife Meghan." This is the sort of thinking you find in tabloids that regard the British Royal family as nothing more than a poorly scripted reality TV series. The 'Globe' accuses Duchess Meghan of "turning her pregnancy and birth of son Archie into TV triumphs on both sides of the Atlantic." To be fair, Meghan didn't tell the media when or where she was delivering until after the birth, and refused to pose with her newborn outside the hospital, as has been recent Royal tradition. She doesn't play ball with the media – could that be why the 'Globe' is so quick to attack her?
The most redundant story in this week's tabloids in the "Special Report" by the 'Globe' on TV's late 'Crocodile Hunter' Steve Irwin's children, reporting that "Brave Robert & Bindi still miss dad Steve 12 years after tragedy," and that "Time Hasn't Healed" their pain. Why would it? Why would they be expected to have stopped missing him?
"That grief will never go away," says an unnamed "insider," stating the obvious.
'People' magazine devotes its cover to TV's 'The Fixer Upper' host Chip Gaines, proclaiming: "My Kids Made Me a Batter Man." Could. Not. Care. Less. If you send his kids enough wood and nails, maybe they'll make you a better man too.
'Us' magazine gives the cover treatment to Brad Pitt's "New Life!" It's the same as his old life, except he's now sober and has visitation rights with five of his six children. "Plus: The Truth About Jen," teases the cover, referring to rumors of a reconciliation with Pitt's ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. And the shocking truth behind those rumors? "There isn't anything going on romantically between them," says an unnamed source. Well, that was worth waiting for.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Constance Wu wore it best, that 'Top Chef' host Padma Lakshmi's favorite thing at the end of a hard day is "a really hot bath," that 'American Pie' actor Jason Biggs carries his sons' Transformers and Paw Patrol toys in his Herschel backpack (which might mean that 'Us' has finally run out of actresses carrying handbags in Hollywood), and that the stars are just like us: they run errands, get manicures, drop their earrings and pick up dry cleaning – though it should be noted that those last two are not necessarily related.
Most disappointing bait-and-switch headline of the week comes courtesy of the 'Enquirer' in its so-called health pages: "Weigh Yourself & Watch Pounds Vanish!" Sadly, the story reveals that you actually have to diet, as well as watching yourself on the scale, for the pounds to come off. There's always a catch.
Onwards and downwards . . .