That's the state-of-the-art medical analysis from that bastion of scientific advancement, the 'National Enquirer.'
How else to explain their report breathlessly headlined: "Barbra Streisand Heart Attack Horror!" The story claims: "Doctors examined her leg in the lobby at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center," which we can only assume is now the standard protocol for treating a suspected heart attack victim. The 'Enquirer' team of medically trained reporters asked around, and apparently the leg exam is "sparking heart attack fears among friends!" No word whether that's Streisand's friends, or more likely, pals of the reporters. Presumably because "heart attack fears" sounds better than "sparking ankle sprain fears among friends."
"Michael Jackson's Body is Missing!" claims the 'Enquirer.' The King of Pop is "Not in His Coffin!" screams the headline, under the banner: "First To Know." One minor quibble: 'Enquirer' stablemate RadarOnline.com wrote the same story in August 2017 under the headline: "Michael Jackson's Grave Empty!" That report, like this week's almost two years later, claimed that family matriarch Katherine Jackson had her son's body cremated a few months after his 2009 death.
The 'Enquirer' continues its unhealthy obsession with Angelina Jolie's weight with its story: "New Fears for Skin-& Bones Angie!" But in a rare break with tradition they don't guess her weight, instead claiming that "zombie-like Angelina Jolie appeared close to collapse while filming in New Mexico."
No, she wasn't staggering or fainting, or anything so obvious. She just looks thin. Like always. More intriguing, the 'Enquirer' brands Jolie a "tightfisted … cheapskate" for only tipping 15 per cent at a sushi restaurant. Since when is 15 per cent a poor tip? And is she really starving herself if she's eating sushi?
"Secret Wedding & A Baby For Rihanna!" claims the 'Enquirer.' Indeed, it's so secret that the singer's not married or pregnant yet, the story admits.
More troubles for Britain's Royal Prince and heir, as the 'Enquirer' reports: "William's Birthday Party Nightmare!" Kate & Meghan Catfight Ruins Big Day." No hair-pulling or fingernail clawing reported, sadly; the sisters-in-law supposedly "argued over everything from the guest list to the decor." Oh, the horror.
The 'Globe' devotes its cover to the British royals, with "Harry's Secret Showdown With Trump! Face-to-face over Meghan insults!" The rag reveals that Harry confronted Trump in a private meeting, raging: "How dare you insult my wife! You should be ashamed of yourself!" It's yet another story completely missed by the massed ranks of the British Royal press corps, under their noses in England. If only they had the "palace insiders" that the American tabloids have planted inside palace corridors. Of course, President Trump has insisted that the subject of his branding Duchess Meghan "nasty" was never discussed, and said of meeting Harry: "He couldn't be nicer!" Who are you going to believe – a source with a history of repeatedly lying and twisting facts to its own divisive agenda, or the 'Enquirer'?
The 'Globe' brings its wild imaginings closer to home with its story about "Beach Boy Brian's Psycho Ward Horror!" No, Brian Wilson is not in a mental hospital. This "Only In Globe!" report comes after Wilson postponed his coming concert tour and confessed in an open letter to fans that he is struggling with "stuff in my head and saying things I don't mean and I don't know why." He anticipates a full recovery, presumably once his meds are adjusted, but for the 'Globe' that means his admission feeds friends' "fears surf music king will be locked up again." Because real friends always fear the worst, and tell their deepest fears to any tabloid reporter who asks.
In the week's most intriguing development, the 'Globe' goes full 'Weekly World News' with its spread across two pages: "UFO Bases Found On The Moon! Now experts fear aliens will invade." Inspired by recent reports of UFOs captured on video by U.S. Navy pilots and unexplained bright lights flashing on the lunar surface, the 'Globe' predicts an alien invasion. Self-styled "UFO investigator" Scott C Waring is quoted claiming that aliens have built a domed structure on the moon "that may serve as a staging point for an attack on Earth." Why couldn't it be a vacation spa retreat for aliens? Or a duty-free shopping mall for extra-terrestrials en route to Las Vegas? Maybe that's why I'm not a UFO expert. This is the same Scott C Waring who claims to have found tombs, weapons and Easter Island-like statues on Mars, and whose many UFO sightings have been repeatedly debunked as lens flares and reflections off the International Space Station windows. So you know he's an authority worth listening to.
A "Globe Exclusive" spread exposes "Summer Vacation Hellholes!" It's a "Special Report," so you've probably never heard about mysterious deaths in the Dominican Republic, a measles outbreak in New York, a rat infestation in downtown Los Angeles, shark attacks off Florida, and diseases spread on cruise ships. Breaking news at its best.
'Us' magazine devotes its cover to "Bradley & Gaga: His Side of the Story," Told without any contribution from Bradley Cooper, an unnamed source explains the steamy truth about the actor and Lady Gaga: "There was nothing romantic between Bradley and Gaga." This is the sort of shocking revelation that makes us fork out $5.99 each week.
"Sandra [Bullock] Gets Her Happy Ending" reports 'Us.' No, it's not a porn movie's climactic money shot. "America's Sweetheart . . . has finally found Mr. Right" in photographer Bryan Randall, the mag reports. Their secret? "Their down-to-earth lifestyle and their unwavering focus on what matters most: family." Life-affirming, as ever.
'People' mag devotes its cover to country singer "Carrie Underwood: How Faith & Family Made Me Stronger." Because being single and atheist will kill you, medical science has proven. Right?
Jennifer Aniston's "Happy Single Life" is relegated to a small corner of 'People' mag's cover, despite having all the vacuous ingredients of a perfect 'People' cover story revealing nothing. She's returning to TV 15 years after 'Friends' ended, and is in no hurry to find a man – though as we now know, being single can be fatal. Let's hope she still has her faith.
"Princess Kate's Wild Week" is reported in detail by 'People,' but no, she's not smoking crack or turning tricks on street corners. "She sheared a sheep!" Oh, those crazy Royals.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Bella Hadid wore it best, that 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' star Erika Jane admits: "I don't know how many pairs of shoes I have," that model Winnie Harlow carries Pepto-Bismal, Advil, Neosporin, Band-Aids and Zyrtec in her Dior Diorama purse that apparently doubles as a first aid kit, and that the stars are just like us: they eat pizza by the slice, eat on the go, and shop for antiques. Insightful, as ever.
In celebration of the coming Independence Day, 'People' mag brings us "!00 Reasons to Love America," with a catalogue of the country's best, including – I kid you not – goat yoga, TV series 'Friends,' Dr. Pimple Popper, Shark Week, air fryers. Cheez Whiz, Dairy Queen, Cheddar Cheese Curds, Hot Fudge Deep Fried Oreos, and Granny's Apple Fries at Legoland in California.
Proving that reporters should never go grocery shopping or write on an empty stomach.
Onwards and downwards . . .