"Where Are They Now?" asks the cover to the 'National Enquirer,' promising the "Shocking Secret Lives of 25 Long-Lost Stars!"
Except they're hardly long-lost, since the tabloids have repeatedly told us that Shelley Duvall has "hit hard times," that John Ratzenberger has gained weight, and Kelly McGillis teaches acting. Can Mike Myers, Morgan Fairchild or David Caruso really be called "lost"? It's not as if missing persons reports have been filed.
Even this brain-free journalistic exercise defeats the 'Enquirer,' which reports that TV's 'Alf' star Max Wright is a recluse in his California home and hasn't acted since 2005. Where is he now? Six feet under, since he died on June 26 – four days before the 'Enquirer' went to press, but couldn't be bothered to remake the page.
"First to Know" proclaims the banner headline above two fashion exclusives in the 'Enquirer.' Jennifer Aniston was spotted wearing the same bikini she wore in 2016! Meanwhile, in a separate story, Jen's ex-husband Brad Pitt was seen wearing the same clothes twice in six days! It's as if they were made for each other! Presumably the 'Enquirer' would be happier if stars never wore the same clothes twice, simply burning them after they've been worn once. One can only sympathize with the angst suffered by the unnamed Team Aniston "insider" who moans to the 'Enquirer': "Why she continues to wear the same swimsuit is bizarre!" Indeed.
The British Royal soap opera continues to captivate the tabloids, even when there's nothing genuine to report.
"William & Kate Fire Harry & Meghan!" claims the 'Enquirer,' above a story alleging that Harry and his wife have been "booted from Royal Foundation Charity." This, despite every Royal insider reporting that it was Harry and Meghan who wanted to leave the Royal Foundation to pursue their own charitable causes.
"Tormented Meghan Battling Baby Depression," screams the cover of the 'Globe,' which evidently couldn't fit "PostPartum Depression" into its headline. The mother of two-month-old Archie is allegedly "Seeing a Shrink & Can't Stop Crying. Harry's troubled wife turns recluse and gains 37 lbs." As always, it's not 36 lbs or 38 lbs – the tabloid's guess-your-weight experts are that good. Struggling with postpartum depression, Meghan allegedly consoles herself "by gobbling baked goods" – Cake? Loaves of bread? English muffins? Why aren't we told?? – and can "barely force herself to waddle out of the house." Except to attend the Trooping of the Colors. And to watch the New York Yankees play the Boston Red Sox in London. And to make the two-week trip to Africa she plans with Prince Harry and baby Archie in October, where Meghan will doubtless force herself to waddle across the Serengeti.
Buckingham Palace is "infested by rats!" reports the 'Globe' – though not apparently the kind selling tips to the tabloids. The 'Globe' also refers to Buckingham Palace as the "Queen's Castle," and while it's certainly vast, palatial and well-protected, it is not, and never has been, a castle, of which Her Majesty has more than a few.
In a typical summer story, the 'Globe' cover promises the "Shocking Reason Shark Attacks Are On The Rise!" Brace yourselves: It's because more people live near and visit the ocean, the 'Globe' reveals, which will come as a shock to absolutely no-one. The 'Globe' offers readers a series of helpful tips on "How to Protect Yourself From Jaws." including the wonderfully inspired #8: "Stay out of water where sharks are present," and # 11: "Don't touch of swim near a shark." Because 'Globe' readers need such advice to avoid the harsher consequences of Darwinism.
"Michael Douglas Moves into Kirk's Garage!" claims the 'Enquirer.' Visions of Michael Douglas bedding down on an air mattress squeezed between his father's power tools and his Kia Soul are premature, however; the garage has supposedly been converted into a one-bedroom apartment, and Michael is allegedly staying there to better care for his 102-year-old father and 100-year-old step-mum. But Kirk and wife Anne each have two live-in carers, so Michael Douglas moving into their garage seems highly unlikely, to say the least.
The 'Globe' grasps at summer straws with its exclusive on TV's former 'Friends' star: "Matthew Perry : Tragic Train Wreck." Ignoring for a moment the extraordinary absence of an exclamation mark at the end of that headline, the story claims that "friends fear he'll kick the bucket by the end of the year!" Why such concern? Because Perry dared to walk the streets of New York recently looking "bloated, shabby and dazed" with "filthy, uncut fingernails." Shock, horror.
In the 'Globe' photo Perry actually appears to be wearing stylish and expensive casual wear, and though he's unshaven his hair is neatly groomed, and his hands look immaculately clean. His fingernails do appear rather long, but perhaps he was on his way to his manicurist? And he's clearly not biting his nails while tortured by anxiety. Last time I checked, long fingernails weren't a sign of having only six months left to live, but I'm sure the 'Globe' team of trained medical journalists know best.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' magazine to tell us that Hailey Bieber wore it best (Seriously, what was Maisie Williams thinking?), that Machine Gun Kelly "can juggle objects that are on fire," that Victoria's Secret Angel Sara Sampaio carries Armani concealer, moisturizer and the 111Skin Rose Gold Brightening Mask in her Chanel crossbody handbag, and that the stars are just like us: they eat ice cream, mix margaritas, hail cabs, ride scooters, and feed parking meters. Riveting, as ever.
And it's great to see the 'Enquirer' run an ad for a Charlie Brown and 'Peanuts' themed Christmas tree – in July. For those lovers of the comic strip who have no clue what month it is: Psychiatric Help: 5¢.
Onwards and downwards . . .