"Tom Cruise Testimony Destroys Scientology – Forced to tell all in suit over abuse, kidnapping and human trafficking," screams the cover of the 'National Enquirer,' which this week separates fact from fiction by virtually banishing the former from its pages.
Scientology zealot Cruise is allegedly at the centre of a lawsuit filed in June alleging shocking abuses within the cult.
Except Cruise isn't mentioned among the lawsuit's list of witnesses, has not given testimony of any kind – supportive or damaging – and for the past two decades has annually been voted "Least Likely To Destroy Scientology" by Church members. Details, details.
"Prince Charles Gay Cover-Up Exposed!" reports the 'Enquirer.' No, for once they're not claiming that Charles is homosexual. It's the old, old story of Charles' former valet George Smith claiming he was sexually assaulted by the Prince's assistant Michael Fawcett, which was first published in 2003. Smith died in 2005 but his brother Bryan is calling for an investigation, even though there's nothing new to report. But in a quiet news week a 16-year-old unsubstantiated accusation helps fill empty pages with the obligatory Royal scandal.
TV's former 'Friends' star is back in the 'Enquirer,' which reports "Troubled Matthew Perry Slinks Into The Hospital!"
Sadly, the photos make it look like Perry is strolling casually more than slinking. He's pictured smoking and drinking a diet Coke on his way into hospital – if that is in fact where he's headed – which hardly suggests a serious illness.
He allegedly visited the hospital twice in one week, inspiring the 'Enquirer' to produce its best investigative reporting: "Both times a woman who might have been a sober coach shadowed the actor." Because you can recognize a sober coach just by the way she walks. Unless she was Perry's pole dance trainer? Or his personal proctologist? It's a common error, mistaking one for the other.
The 'Enquirer' reveals "Jackie Kennedy's Biggest Regret!" JFK's assassination? Her son's plane crash death? Dying of cancer? Apparently not. "Jackie Kennedy's biggest regret was giving her son a split personality by naming him after his famous dad." Well, that makes perfect sense. How did she live with herself?
"Demi Moore Frozen Face Disaster!" claims the 'Enquirer,' alongside a photo of the actress looking way too happy for someone whose face had been declared a Superfund clean-up site. But this is no mere speculation: the 'Enquirer' employs the expert medical opinion of Boston-based plastic surgeon Dr. David E. David (so good, they named him twice) whose considered professional evaluation is: "She looks ridiculous," which is evidently a medical condition now acknowledged by the American Medical Association. The 'Enquirer' adds, helpfully, that Dr. David "has not treated Demi." Well, that couldn't possibly hinder an accurate medical diagnosis, could it?
'The Globe' gets in on the medical beat with its cover story: "Dolly Parton Paralyzed! Tragic country queen may never sing again." The rag's medical expert "reviewed video" of Parton, which as any physician will tell you is far better than reviewing blurry paparazzi photos for diagnostic purposes. The doc's considered opinion: "Dolly may have Bell's palsy." Which also means she may not. Bell's palsy paralyzes facial muscles, but perhaps the 'Globe' medical expert should have mentioned that most Bell's palsy cases completely recover on their own. So we'll probably hear Dolly Parton sing again, whether we want to or not.
The 'Globe' takes us "beyond the grave" not once but twice this week.
"Kinky Secrets Alf Star Max Took To Grave," the magazine reports about the death of TV's former 'Alf' star Max Wright. But can Wright truly have taken the "secret" of smoking crack in a gay porn video "to the grave" when the tabloids exposed this story in 2005?
"Jacko in Boyland Beyond the Grave," reports the 'Globe,' revealing how Michael Jackson is spending his time now that he's been dead for ten years. Psychic Tyler Henry claims to have contacted the gloved one, who is enjoying "a childlike existence in the afterlife" and "a deep sense of peace." Which may be disappointing for those who were hoping there might be a little more in the way of burning pitchforks, fire and brimstone for the accused pedophile. Perhaps that's only reserved for tabloid reporters.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' magazine to tell us that Emily Ratajkowski wore it best, that Julia Stiles wishes "I had a remote control for time," that 'The Hills' star Heidi Montag carries a flashlight, Cat's Eye Kunzite bracelet and Gucci Rush 2 perfume in her Birkin bag, and that the stars are just like us: they shop for books and sunglasses, get mani-pedis, watch sports and buy take-out pizza. Revealing, as ever.
Onwards and downwards . . .