Celebrity grave-digging, flesh-eating bacteria and alien abductions in this week's dubious tabloids

How long does it take to dig a hole six feet deep and eight feet long using just a fork?

It's a question that the 'Globe' sadly fails to answer, even though its exclusive story about TV's former 'Cosby' child star claims "Raven-Symoné Digging Grave With a Fork!"

Assuming that each forkful holds about a teaspoon of dirt, and the dimensions of a standard grave are 8 ft x 2 1/2 ft x 6 ft, yielding a volume of 120 sq ft of soil, and given 48 teaspoons per cup, and 120 cups per cubic feet, that's 691,200 forkfuls to dig a grave, which at an estimated rate of one forkful every five seconds amounts to 3,456,000 seconds, or 57,600 minutes, or 960 hours, which is 40 days of non-stop digging.

Of course, with all that exercise, by the time she finishes digging Raven-Symoné may have lost all the excess weight the 'Globe' worries she has gained that has "friends fearing she'll eat herself to death."

It's one of those summertime quiet news weeks in the tabloids, prompting them to focus on the perennial favorite of celebrity weight: the stars are either perilously thin or dangerously fat.

Raven-Symoné, who has allegedly packed on precisely 48 pounds-not an ounce more or less, according to the 'Globe' guess-your-weight experts-is not alone in the body shaming stakes.

Mila Kunis is a "Skin-&-Bones Shocker!" who allegedly looks "scary skinny" according to the 'National Enquirer.'

"Garth Brooks-Diet or Die!" reports the 'Enquirer,' claiming that "the scale-crushing country star can barely move around stage." The rag claims to have an actual real-life doctor estimate the singer's weight at 303 pounds, explaining that Brooks is "at risk of at least 65 different serious diseases, including 12 different kinds of cancer, and a heart attack!" Inexplicably, "Garth did not respond to a request for comment."

Fellow singer Elton John is also so "roly-poly" that "Elton's legs can't hold him!" according to the weight-obsessed 'Enquirer.' Says an unnamed source: "He's so fat he can barely breathe!" And yet he continues to sing in public for hours at a time, defying all medical science, one imagines.

New Royal mom Duchess Meghan "is so desperate to lose her post-baby weight that she's turning to a mystical 3,000-year-old Indian diet plan!" claims the 'Enquirer,' referring to her Ayurvedic meal plan.

And Charlie Sheen has lost so much weight that he "looks like half a man!" reports the 'Enquirer,' though an unnamed source (aren't they all?) claims it's for a good reason: "He hasn't had a drink or anything else for 22 months!" Nothing else? Not even an after-dinner mint? No wonder he "looks to have lost at least 15 pounds."

Meanwhile the 'Globe' snipes as "Law & Order SVU heavyweight Mariska Hargitay" branding her "Lard & Order," makes note of comedian Tracy Morgan's "bulging belly," Ashley Benson's "feeding frenzy," and chat show star Wendy Williams' allegedly "enormous" bloated arms and legs.

With such hyper-critical tabloids it's a wonder that any celebrity ever sets foot outside their home to risk monstering by paparazzi and savaging by the rags.

On less weighty issues, this week's tabloids are clutching at straws again.

"JonBenet Arrest Made!" screams the cover of the 'Globe,' seemingly promising that the beauty pageant tot's killer has finally been found. Not even close. A photographer who once snapped pictures of JonBenet Ramsey has reportedly been arrested for allegedly downloading child pornography. It's a tenuous link at best, but that doesn't stop the 'Globe' speculating: "Investigators believe he could finally crack the case." Right.

The 'Enquirer' cover is the wildly speculative "George Clooney Love Child Scandal – Did he father Stacy Keibler's girl?" As always, the answer to any tabloid headline that ends with a question mark is: No. Their "evidence" for this claim? Unnamed sources suggest that Keibler's four-year-old daughter Ava "bears an uncanny resemblance" to Clooney's two-year-old son Alexander. Photos reveal that the tots are both children with hair, two eyes, a nose and mouth, which certainly suggests they're related – but otherwise they look nothing alike.

Prince Charles' wife is the subject of the 'Globe' story "Camilla Assassination Terror!" Her helicopter reportedly endured two "midair misses" last July, leaving her "convinced the incidents were brazen assassination attempts!" Which is why the two private pilots have been exonerated, one assumes.

"Tom Cruise Shuns Daughter Suri-For Scientology!" claims the 'Enquirer.' The actor allegedly hasn't seen his daughter in nearly six years, "likely" due to ex-wife Nicole Kidman being "disconnected" by the cult. But the 'Enquirer' says Cruise is fine with this, because Suri is really a "reincarnated space alien" and "he'll see her again in another lifetime." Well, isn't that nice.

Rock legend Bob Dylan is allegedly "at Death's Door!" according to the 'Enquirer,' though that may come as a surprise to the thousands who saw him perform at London's Hyde Park on July 12.

The singer comes under different scrutiny in the 'Globe,' which claims "Wacky Bob Dylan's Cruel Antics Uncovered!" There's no mention of his health; just a collection of regurgitated ancient stories. Dylan cheated on lover Joan Baez? Not as shocking as when we first read about it half a century ago.

The 'Globe' brings us two scary pages and photos of necrotized skin under the headline "Warning! Flesh-Eating Epidemic Turns Beaches Deadly!" 'People' magazine looks at the same health scare, with a slightly different result in its report "The Facts About Flesh-Eating Bacteria." Their take? It's safe to go in the water because incidents are "relatively rare." Just don't read the 'Globe' before you swim in the ocean.

Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' magazine to tell us that Sofia Vergara wore it best, that Vanessa Williams "couldn't live without my flip-flops" (presumably they are a flotation device in the event of her plane making an emergency water landing), that 'Orange Is The New Black' star Dascha Polanco has three pairs of shoes, Dramamine for car sickness, and sesame seeds "to bring good fortune" in her Madewell tote, and that the stars are just like us: they walk their dogs, eat ice cream, take selfies and wear sunscreen.

Depressing to note that this week's unlikeliest tabloid story happens to be true: the 'Enquirer' reports that a memorial has been erected near the Pascagoula River in Mississippi to mark the location where two men claim they were abducted by aliens in 1973 and held aboard their spaceship for 30 minutes. The aliens returned later to tell one of the abductees: "Your world needs help! We'll help before it's too late!" We're still waiting.

Onwards and downwards . . .