How to keep your anus thoroughly abraded during the coronapocalypse

Out of toilet paper? Incapable of cleaning your butt without it? Got a well-stocked woodworking shop? Make your own from wood pulp! Quilted Northern's funny advert for "artisanal" toilet paper was satire in 2016, but now suggests a quality method for keeping your rear end America-clean during the coronapocalypse.

In all seriousness, many of you can clean your butt with the water in the toilet using your hand, which you then wash separately and thoroughly with soap.

Or you can do what I do: eat a pound of psyllium husks and graphite dust every morning and poop mysterious gray cylinders.

They won't flush, to be sure, but work quite well as control rods in third-generation pressurized heavy water reactors. Hey, it's better than ending up in a no-candu situation.