"Tom Hanks & Wife Rita . . . Fighting For Their Lives" claims the sensationally over-the-top 'National Enquirer' cover story about the couple who have spoken openly about feeling "a bit tired" with "some body aches" and "slight fevers," and who were released from hospital after only a week and assure they are fever-free.
"How They Caught It," promises the cover. The banal answer: ". . . either flying to Australia or traveling around the country.' Which of course tells us (vaguely) where they caught the virus but not how.
The 'Enquirer' reveals the couple's "Desperate Treatments" as a doctor – who has never treated Hanks or his wife – predicts: "They may have to intubate the actor via a tracheotomy."
Or maybe not, since quarantined Hanks now says the primary malady he's suffering is "the blahs." Or is intubation the standard treatment for ennui?
'People' magazine brings us other celebs with COVID-19, including Idris Elba, Utah Jazz player Rudy Gobert, actress Olga Kurylenka and Canadian prime minister's wife Sophie Gregoire Trudeau. Coronavirus: it's the new black.
The Royals are not immune to virus hyperbole (since a vaccine for BS has not yet been developed.)
"William & Kate's Coronavirus Nightmare!" screams the cover of the 'Globe.' "George & Charlotte exposed by INFECTED classmates!"
Several children at the Royal tots' Thomas's Battersea school in London have been tested for coronavirus after catching seasonal colds, and all have proven negative for the illness. Like many worldwide, the school this week halted classes as a precaution, but not because any pupils or staff have the virus.
That doesn't stop the 'Globe' reporting a "high-level palace insider" claiming: "The royals are in coronavirus hell. William and Kate are devastated that their children are caught in this worldwide epidemic."
So why did William and Kate appear wreathed in smiles on recent public outings?
"They've put on a brave face as they continue their royal engagements," explains the 'Globe,' "but behind palace doors they are panic-stricken and terrified."
Right. Because like Meghan Markle, they're all great actors.
"Panic & Terror in Hollywood," reports the 'Enquirer,' noting that along with movie premieres being delayed and Katy Perry postponing her wedding to Orlando Bloom, "Sandra Bullock greeted a pal with an elbow bump!" That's panic if we ever saw it.
TV host Katy Couric "Puts Herself in Lockdown!" reports the 'Globe' after she elected to self-quarantine at home when a friend contracted the virus.
And 'People' magazine tells us that the next season of 'The Bachelorette' has been postponed, leaving 38-year-old Clare Crawley in her search for true love "taking it day by day and hour by hour," much like a coronavirus patient.
Not that celebs are the only ones affected by the virus.
"Experts Predict – Plague could . . . bring panic in the streets!" reports the 'Enquirer,' clearly downplaying the coming Armageddon.
"World in Crisis," agrees 'Us' magazine, offering "11 Celebs' Stay-Healthy Tips & Tricks," none of which will protect you from the coronavirus: exercise to feel good; go vegan; focus on mental health. All otherwise healthy suggestions, but hardly a response to a "world in crisis."
Possibly threatening the mental health of Prince Harry, 'Us' magazine's cover story reveals: "Harry Breaks His Silence – "I did it for Archie.' His Side of the Story."
"Harry Speaks!" reads the three-page inside spread. "Why I really left."
You won't be surprised to learn that there is not a single quote from Prince Harry in the entire article. Not one. Not even an old quote lifted from clippings to give the false impression that "Harry speaks!"
It's all composed of quotes from an unnamed "insider" and another unidentified "source." Does it accurately reflect Harry's beliefs when claiming that he was behind his and Meghan's self-imposed exile from Britain, rather than being pushed by what the tabloids love to call his hen-pecking diva Duchess wife? We'll never know, since Prince Harry hasn't told 'Us' mag a damn word. Ironically, he said a lot more last week to Russian hoaxers who tricked him into thinking he was speaking with 17-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg, telling them: "I'm more normal than my family would like to believe." Which begs the question: just how abnormal does the Royal Family think Harry is? Answers on a postcard only from senior members of the Royal Family, please.
The tabloids' teams of medically-trained journalists are out in force this week covering other momentous health stories.
"Pervy Harvey" Weinstein is "Brain Damaged in Hellish Jail!" claims the 'Globe,' reporting that the disgraced movie mogul hit his head in a fall "and is now suffering severe headaches." Ergo: brain damage.
Comedian Rosie O'Donnell, the subject of past tabloid "Diet Or Die!" stories, has recently lost weight – and the tabloid health experts aren't happy.
"Heartsick Rosie's Shocking Slim-Down Could Be Deadly!" claims the 'Enquirer.'
"Losing so much weight puts her at high risk for getting very sick and even dying from the current coronavirus epidemic," claims an unidentified "lifespan expert."
Country crooner Garth Brooks shares the same fate for reportedly dropping 60 pounds, as the 'Enquirer' reports: "Heart Damage Fears For Yo-Yoing Garth!"
"Soap star John Aniston's Frail Final Days" are lamented in the 'Enquirer,' based on the fact that Jennifer Aniston's father used a mobility scooter to carry a heavy load around a Los Angeles supermarket, regardless of the fact that he walked into the store unaided, and still acts regularly on 'Days Of Our Lives.'
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Chrissy Teigen wore it best (which will teach Emily Ratajkowski, Kate Hudson, Sofia Carson, Alexandra Shipp and Ruth Wilson to all buy the identical pair of snake-embossed Schutz leather boots), that Kristen Scott Thomas is "terrified of crocodiles" (as if everyone else cuddles them for comfort), that chef Judy Joo carries Advil, Wet Wipes and mini Tabasco bottles in her Tory Burch tote, and that the stars are just like us – and they've been extra-busy this week: they walk the dog, throw away trash, play cards, ride the train, go shopping, watch sports, Facetime on the go, and take hikes. Exciting news, as always.
Leave it to the 'Globe' to once again bring us unlikely stories that are actually true: the former sprinkler factory that burned down in Springfield, Ohio, and the election results in Fair Haven, Vermont, where a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel was elected mayor, beating a police dog and the former incumbent: a Nubian goat.
Onwards and downwards . . .