Tabloid reporters are very much like America’s Commander in Chief: They don’t need to get bogged down with research or trouble themselves with accurate information, because they simply know stuff. They have what the president, a self-confessed “stable genius," calls "a natural ability."
Donald Trump has proudly proclaimed that he knows “more than anybody” about the economy, the US government, campaign finance, ISIS, social media, TV ratings, lawsuits, politicians, technology, infrastructure and drones, among his many talents.
He knows more than “any human being on Earth” about renewable energy, and more about taxes than anyone “in the history of the world.”
This week’s tabloids prove that like the president, reporters can know more than anyone about a subject without having to concern themselves with petty details like facts.
“Coronavirus Is Chinese Bioweapon!” screams the cover of the ‘National Enquirer,’ more than two months after its cover last featured the headline: “China created killer virus to destroy America.” Back then, an inside spread declared: “Coronavirus Is Chinese Bioweapon Gone Rogue!”
So why is the same old story back on their front page? Because last time they were just making it up, but now there’s actually a complaint that has been filed with the International Criminal Court in the Hague against the People’s Republic of China claiming that the coronavirus is a Chinese-produced bioweapon.
The complaint is coincidentally filed by the same American attorney who went to court in Dallas, Texas, to sue China for $20 trillion in damages for unleashing coronavirus. Good luck collecting that.
The only problem: none of the supporting “evidence” offered to the ICC in any way proves that coronavirus was a bioweapon, nor was released from a lab near Wuhan.
But who needs evidence when you’ve got a headline?
The British Royal Family, as ever, make easy targets for the tabloids who clearly know more about the Royals than anyone who ever set foot in Buckingham Palace.
“No More Kids For Heartbroken Kate!” reports the ‘Enquirer.’ "Why Queen Ordered William’s Wife to Stop At Three!”
Duchess Kate has allegedly “been forced to abandon her life-long dream of having six children!” Evidently Kate recently said, in a passing comment to a member of the great unwashed, that her husband doesn’t want more children, happy with the three they already have.
The ‘Enquirer' isn’t taking this lying down.
"The Duchess has been BANNED from adding to their brood,” claims an unnamed courtier, who would naturally be privy to any birth control advice given by the Queen to her daughter-in-law. It seems reasonable to assume that Her Majesty would be dispensing regular prophylactic advice to her grandsons’ wives.
But why has the Queen forbidden William and Kate to have any more children? Are the Royal coffers really so depleted that they cannot afford to support another aristocratic welfare case?
No. The all-knowing tabloids realize that the Royal Family is nothing more than an elaborate soap opera, and like the cast of any long-running show are more concerned with audience ratings and popularity,
As the ‘Enquirer’ explains: “Queen Elizabeth’s told them the family’s future survival rests on their shoulders - and Kate is so popular, they can’t afford her to be off the public stage for months n maternity leave.”
That’s the sort of insight you only get from reporters with years of true inside knowledge.
Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan dominate the cover of this week’s ‘Globe,’ which reveals: “Harry’s New Nightmare! Meghan Divorce Ultimatum. Forbids him to make peace with the royals.”
The Royal renegades are famously self-isolating at their new rental home in a gated community in Los Angeles, venturing out only to walk their dogs and make charity food deliveries, and yet the tabloids, with Trump-like knowledge beyond normal human capabilities, can tell us of the drama unfolding behind closed doors.
Meghan has allegedly issued an ultimatum to Harry, who hopes to reconcile with his estranged Royal family: My Way or the Highway!” Harry is desperate to “make peace with the royal family,” but Meghan told him: “It’s me or them!” according to “a high-level source" (maybe a Venice Beach stilt-walker?) Prince Harry reportedly “fears she’ll take away his little boy!”
Just in case it’s unclear what the ‘Globe' thinks of the Duchess, the mag reports: “Queen Meghan’s in total control.”
It may sound like bullshit, but that’s exactly what the ‘Globe’ brings us with its next Royal story about Prince Charles’ plans for his British cattle ranch: “Charles’ Bullcrap Stings William!”
Charles reportedly has plans for a herd of 500 beef cattle, producing 4.8 million pounds of manure to use on his organic farm, which evidently “stinks” for William and Kate who live nearby, according to the ‘Globe.’
But as any farmer can tell you, an average 1,100 lb beef steer produces on average 106 lbs of manure daily, or 38,690 lbs a year, which means that 500 steer will produce 19.345 million pounds of manure annually - four times the amount that William and Kate are supposedly worried about. Who’s full of bull now?
“Meghan’s Mercy Missions Backfire!” reports the ‘Enquirer.’ "Duchess flaunts designer duds & fancy rides doing ‘charity’ gigs.”
The rag claims that Harry & Meghan’s “first charm offensive exposed them as phonies,” according to unnamed sources (i.e. whoever is in the ‘Enquirer’ break-room making coffee) because Meghan wore a designer shirt and shoes while distributing charity food and being driven in a luxury Porsche SUV. The nerve! As any self-respecting tabloid journalist knows, the appropriate form of dress when doing charity work is sackcloth and ashes.
Perennial tabloid victim Angelina Jolie is targeted by the ‘Enquirer’ with an unsubstantiated claim that she aims to write a book, reporting: “Angie’s Tell-All Rocks Hollywood!”
The ‘Enquirer,’ armed with the sort of insight and expert knowledge that is only acquired through decades of intimacy with the actress, concludes she must be planning to write about ex-husband Brad Pitt's boozy brawl on a private jet, her “best sex ever with a woman,” her “often bitter estrangement from her Oscar-winning dad, Jon Voight,” her “weight woes”and “cancer fears.”
How do they know that? Because Jolie couldn’t possibly be writing a book about her decades of humanitarian work, the joys of adopting children, or the environmental causes she espouses, could she?
The world’s media are in the dark (as of writing) about what precisely has happened to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un, allegedly clinging to life after what has variously been reported as a heart attack or a medical procedure gone wrong.
But the ‘Enquirer’ has succeeded where the CIA has failed, and penetrated Ryongsong Palace to reveal to its geopolitically astute readers: “North Korea’s Kim Targeted For Death - By His Sister! Tyrant fights for life after poisoning.”
Thanks to the incredible ‘Enquirer’ undercover team of reporters embedded deep within the Royal Palace, we now know that: "Kim Jong Un is fighting for his life after an assassination attempt engineered by his cruel and calculating sister!”
Why does the US government waste billions each year on the CIA, when the ‘Enquirer' can do a better job at a fraction of the cost?
Surely if anyone deserves a Noble Prize for journalism, it’s these guys?
The ‘Globe’ promises readers the secret story of the "“Booze Horror Brian Dennehy Took To Grave.”
But the actor, who died on April 15, never took his hard-drinking past “to the grave” like some untold secret. In fact, Dennehy discussed his past alcoholism frequently, after revealing his struggles in an interview with Life magazine in 1990, and notably after quitting booze in 2001. Sober for almost two decades, it was one thing he certainly didn’t take with hm to the grave.
Thankfully we have the uncannily accurate ‘Globe’ team of guess-your weight reporters who know just by looking at celebrities how much they weigh, to the precise pound. And like Donald Trump, they’re never wrong.
Amazingly, the stars seem to love to weigh nice round numbers: Chrissy Metz - 300 lbs. George Wendt - 450 lbs. Lizzo - 250 lbs. Jack Nicholson - 350 lbs. Garth Brooks - 300 lbs. Trisha Yearwood - 200 lbs.
It’s as if the stars have all got together and are having a private bet on the side who can maintain their weight at the nearest round figure.
Not that they’re encouraged to have round figures if they’re celebrities.
The Globe isn't about to let anyone gain an extra pound or two, and hurls the headline: “Thunder Thighs” above a photo of Amy Poehler in black jeans. It’s accompanied by the equally sensitive caption: “There’s a fat chance skinny jeans will ever look good on pudgy Amy Poehler.”
No fat-shaming to see here, move along.
‘People’ magazine devotes its cover to “HGTV’s Ben & Erin Napier - Small-Town Sweethearts to Superstars.”
Seriously - Who are these people? Since when did restoring houses make one a superstar?
Fortunately we have ‘Us’ mag to bring us the inside scoop of one of Britain’s youngest royals in its cover story: “Louis Turns 2! Inside the Life of a Little Prince!”
Sex! Drugs!! Teletubbies!!!
No such luck.
Louis’s life is every bit as exciting as you’d expect from a two-year-old: "playdates, painting, baking with the Queen,” promises a headline, as if Her Majesty routinely settles down in the kitchen with a Magimix and a roll of Pillsbury dough.
Worse yet, the story is yet another of ‘Us’ mag’s trademark bait-and-switch stories, where the content hopelessly fails to match the enticing headline.
Despite its prime billing, the story amount to just one modest-sized paragraph, revealing next-to-nothing of the prince’s private life. Louis hasn’t even baked so much as a chocolate chip cookie with the Queen - it’s just something “Louis will be introduced to” once he’s old enough. Along with fox-hunting and pheasant shooting, though ‘Us’ somehow failed to include those in the list of Louis’s activities.
An actual fact somehow slipped into the story - probably an editing mistake - revealing that Louis has “been raised to eat healthy” but was allowed cake for his birthday on April 23. Like most two-year-olds, and a certain unnamed current occupant of the White House, Louis lives a life of blissful ignorance in the lap of luxury.
But despair not - we have ‘Us’ mag’s crack investigative team to tell us that Brooke Burke wore it best, that Nikki Bella sets out crystals beneath every full moon “to restore their beautiful energy,” and that the stars are just like us: they walk their dogs, take out the garbage, and clean the house. Three things that Donald Trump almost certainly never does, though I’d wager that he knows more about those subjects than any human that ever walked the planet.
Onwards and downward . . .