Obama's heartache and Hillary Clinton's heart in this week's dubious tabloids

The tawdry tabloids' obsession with celebrity weight brings us the revelation that Hillary Clinton has in recent months eaten the equivalent of an entire Celine Dion, with room left over for more than a few wafer-thin after-dinner mints.

"Health Fears For 96-lb Celine!" proclaims the 'Globe' headline with unnerving accuracy, doubtless informed by its award-winning team of former 'Guess Your Weight' fairground carneys whose precision in estimating celebrity avoirdupois is only matched by their incomparable medical diagnostic skill.

"Obsessive singer is surviving on fruit and crackers," the rag explains with horror. But the "stick-thin" chanteuse has been thin for years. Is she too weak to walk? Too frail to sing?

The 'Globe' reveals that Dion works out with trainers daily and does "endless hours of ballet," which its medically-trained journalistic team interprets as heading "for a catastrophic health crisis." Can't argue with science.

But if Dion's alleged 96 pounds is dangerously slender, how must Hillary Clinton feel, given the 'Globe' cover story: "Hillary, 73, Tragic Health Crisis! Struggling to walk after gaining 97 lbs!"

The 'Globe' medical team, armed only with a photo of Hillary Clinton sporting something of a belly, declare with their usual pinpoint accuracy that she has gained precisely 97 pounds – not a pound more, or less – and is therefore flirting with "heart disease, stroke, multiple cancers" and more ailments that make her alleged 247 pound weight "beyond dangerous." This, according to "experts" who "have not treated Hillary Clinton," the article notes.

And actor Sean Penn is branded a "lardy . . . bloated blob" by the 'Globe' for going shirtless on a Hawaiian beach, because the tabloids demand physical perfection in all their celebrities.

The British Royal soap opera continues to command tabloid headlines, and this week dominates the 'National Enquirer' cover: "Prince Andrew Immunity Deal! Royal Sells Out Epstein Madam! Damning testimony on Ghislaine Maxwell. How Queen finally forced his confession!"

How exactly did HRH force Prince Andrew to spill his guts to the Feds? The Queen supposedly threatened to exile Andrew overseas and strip him of his royal titles – a move against her favorite son that would be anathema to Her Majesty, and tantamount to a Royal admission of Andrew's guilt that would be unthinkable to the Queen.

Andrew is allegedly "selling out" Ghislaine Maxwell in exchange for immunity from prosecution, and will "be grilled under oath about orgies, nudity and sex with minors" – all subjects on which Andrew could easily plead ignorance. It's also hard to imagine Andrew accepting immunity after billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's original immunity deal was trampled underfoot by zealous prosecutors.

The story is attributed to a "high-level palace courtier" who, like most Eton-educated members of the British elite speaks in fluent tabloidese: ". . . the feds are convinced the former socialite couldn't help but boast to her royal pal about her decadent lifestyle and confide her secrets. They believe Andrew's chilling testimony will throw her under the bus – and seal her conviction!" Spoken like a Queen's Equerry, and not in any way like a sensationalistic speculative tabloid wet dream.

"Charles Purges Sister From Royal Family!" declares the 'Globe,' as if reporting on a Palace putsch. Prince Charles allegedly "plans to boot" from the Royal Family's "inner circle" Princess Anne, who in recent years has belatedly become one of the most respected Royals for her indefatigable charity work and tireless embrace of Royal duties.

Charles will supposedly put Anne "on the chopping block – mostly because of ambitious Camilla, 73, who's carried out a ruthless, dirty plan to be queen for decades" claims the 'Globe.'

Which makes little sense. Camilla will become Princess Consort in the event of Charles' eventual accession to the throne, but Anne – 14th in line to the crown, and slipping down the rankings with every new child produced by Princes William and Harry and their wives – has little to no influence over whether Camilla is ever named Queen Consort.

The 'Globe' plunges into global geopolitics again with its usual adroit expertise with its two-page spread under the headline: "Catfight Over Kim!" For once it's not Kim Kardashian in a catfight. This time it's Kim Jong-un the 'Globe' is fixated on.

Blissfully ignoring the fact that for months the 'Globe' claimed that the North Korean dictator was dead, replaced by a lookalike and succeeded by his "ruthless" sister Kim Yo-Jong, the rag now reports that Kim is alive and well and "has three gals on a string" – his wife Ri Sol-Ju, his "pop star" girlfriend Hyon Song-Wol, and his sister.

"Don't be surprised if Yo soon disappears," says an unnamed source who sounds surprisingly similar to a certain high-level British palace courtier. "His sister's too ambitious and dangerous to keep around." Right.

The 'Enquirer' brings its readers news you can use to panic: "New COVID Vaccines: The Untold Dangers!"

But these "dangers" have actually been well-told up-front by the pharmaceutical companies: the potential for muscle pain, fever, fatigue and headaches: all similar to the potential side-effects of the flu shot received by millions every year, and presumably preferable to death from coronavirus. "Won't work on 10 per cent of population!" shrieks the grammatically-challenged 'Enquirer.' Yes, that's what '90 per cent effectiveness' means.

As always, the tabloids yet again bring us old stories wrapped up as news.

"George Obeys Amal's Rules of the Road," reveals the 'Enquirer.' "She bans motorcycles after Clooney crack-up." It's been almost two years since George Clooney's close friend Grant Heslov revealed that the actor's wife Amal had banned Clooney from motorbikes after a crash in Sardinia. Good to see the 'Enquirer' is finally catching up.

Meanwhile the 'Globe' informs us about Michael Jackson: "Michael's Baby Mom Finally Confesses All! No sex with Jackson – ever! Inseminated like a horse! Mysterious sperm donors!" Wonderfully informative, but we've heard all this before.

The 'Enquirer' does bring us one fresh though highly dubious offering about the gloved one: "Michael's Millions Going to The Cats!" Family matriarch Katharine Jackson reportedly plans to leave her share of Michael Jackson's millions to an animal shelter, "according to sources." This seems strange, to be honest: it's hard to imagine alleged pedophile Michael Jackson taking any interest in a pussy.

Speaking of old stories, 'Us' magazine devotes its cover to: "The Private Life of JFK Jr." On what would have been his 60th birthday 'Us' mag rolls out a bunch of old photos and interviews with friends.

'People' magazine gives its cover and seven pages inside to a surprisingly sentimental interview with Barack Obama hyping his new memoir'A Promised Land,' claiming that "the White House nearly wrecked his marriage."

Says Obama: "I'd Have Given It All Up for My Family." Would he have, though?

Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us' mag to tell us that Jourdan Dunn wore it best, that Lea Salonga's "favorite colors are blue, red and purple," and that the stars are just like us: they read books, grocery shop, and exercise. This week 'Us' also improbably claims: "Royals – They're Just Like Us!" accompanied by photos of the Queen wearing a face-mask, Prince William sipping a glass of cider, Duchess Camilla holding an umbrella, and Duchess Kate roasting a marshmallow over an open fire. And then they all go back to their palaces and butlers and servants and chauffeurs, just like us.

The 'Globe' tells us that President Gerald Ford's real name was Leslie Lynch King, and he didn't legally change his name until he was 22 years old, in 1935. It took them 85 years, but they finally brought us the news.

Onwards and downwards . . .