COVID unbeatable and vaccines won't work, in this week's optimistic tabloids

Recycling and sustainability are the keywords for this week's eco-friendly tabloids, which rehash old stories as news and return yet again to perennial favorites.

"Barbra Streisand, 78 — Blindsided By Divorce Papers!" screams the cover of the 'National Enquirer.' "James Brolin Caught Cheating! The Other Woman Revealed!"

It all sounds positively shocking, until you realise it's a story that's 35 years old. And it's not even Streisand who's been served with divorce papers. The 'Enquirer' has simply dug up the divorce documents from husband Brolin's first marriage to Jane Agee, who in 1986 allegedly accused him of having "numerous affairs."

This was 13 years before Streisand and Brolin wed in 1998, and you can be certain that with her sharp legal team she was fully aware of the content of his divorce papers when she tied the knot, so she's hardly been "blindsided."

The 'Enquirer' reports: "Beatle Paul: I'm Losing My Memory at 78!"

The rag seems to have forgotten that Paul McCartney spoke of memory lapses and forgetting the lyrics to his songs back in 2010.

The 'Globe' carries the same recycled story: "McCartney admits he's lost memory, uses teleprompter to sing greatest hits," but brazenly adds the banner: "You Read It Here 1st." Even if you did, the story is still ten years old.

The 'Enquirer' digs back even deeper into rock 'n' roll ignominy to unearth its story about Eric Clapton: "Critics clap back at Clapton As Racist Taunts Haunt Career."

Racist comments made by Clapton 44 years ago, for which he apologized in 2018, could "derail his career," claims the 'Enquirer' in an "Exclusive" that appears at least two years too late.

"America's New Secret UFO Base!" reports the breathless 'Enquirer.' "Shocking reason Area 51 is closing!"

But Area 51 is not closing, and the "new" base — Dugway Proving Ground, in Utah — has been around since 1942.

'People' mag brings us an old story dressed up as new with its cover dedicated to Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell: "Kurt & Goldie's 37-Year Love Story — We Did It Our Way!"

They've stayed married by staying together, the couple prosaically explain. "You've just got to want to be together," says Hawn, putting to bed years of tabloid reports that the couple are splitting up — at least, until next week.

When they're not recycling old stories, the tabloids are using tried-and-trusted sustainable news sources that supply a weekly harvest of dubious but self-supporting stories.

The time-honored tradition of bashing Barack and Michelle Obama continues in the 'Globe' with its claim: "Barack & Michelle: Poison Pen Pals!"

The Obamas are allegedly waging an "ego-filled battle" because his latest memoir sold 800,000 copies in its first week on sale, while Michelle Obama's book only sold 725,000 on its debut on bookshelves. As if they'd really be fighting about that, when the tabloids have been telling us for years that they have much bigger issues to war about.

The British Royal Family remains a reliable source of tabloid nutrition, with the 'Globe' this week reporting on Prince Harry and his bride: "Meghan Under Fire For Baby Bombshell. Fears Harry's wife went public with miscarriage news as shocking PR stunt."

The tabloid claims that after Meghan penned an Op-Ed piece for 'The New York Times' about the heartbreak of her miscarriage, "Outraged members of Britain's royal family" accuse Harry and Meghan of staging a "cheap and exploitative publicity stunt," according to unnamed palace insiders. But the 'Globe' naturally doesn't identify which members of the Royal Family supposedly share this opinion, and it's hard to imagine anyone was more outraged than the reporters who wrote the 'Globe' story.

Scaremongering remains popular with the tabloids, and this week the 'Globe' cover brings us its Doomsday warning: "America's COVID Hell Will Never Go Away!" Vaccines won't work! Virus mutates faster than we can fight it! Lockdowns useless!"

The 'Globe' has clearly thrown in the towel and asks its readers to give up an unwinnable fight against an insurmountable virus. Cheerily optimistic coverage, as always.

The stars' weight and beauty remains a tabloid evergreen, and the 'Enquirer' devotes two full pages to "Gettin' Jiggly With It" — a celebration of celebrity cellulite, from Britney Spears and Halle Berry to Kate Moss and Jerry Hall, who at 64 perhaps deserves to be given a little slack.

Scientology is a much-beloved tabloid target, and this week 'Us' mag devotes its cover to the self-professed church and one of its most prominent celebrity adherents: "Kirstie Alley — My First Scientology Tell All."

Unsurprisingly, the actress has not said a single word to 'Us' mag. Alley has been defending the cult in a new podcast she launched in October, but astonishingly 'Us' mag doesn't even offer a single quote from any of her podcasts, either.

The best they can manage is a single quote from Alley lifted from a recent Tweet, saying that Scientology leader David Miscavige's wife Shelly, rumored to be missing and possibly held against her will by the church, has been found "alive and well." The article otherwise quotes unnamed insiders, which doesn't even come close to a Kirstie Alley divulging "Tell All."

And of course we have the tabloids' usual award-winning journalism excellence on display: "Larry King, 87, Too Tough To Die!" reports the 'Enquirer,' with a headline that is eventually destined to come back to haunt them.

Country songbird Dolly Parton gets the 'Enquirer' treatment: "Dolly, 74: Dangerous Foot Fetish."

No, Parton isn't a toe-sucking podophiliac. She simply wears stiletto heels, which the 'Enquirer' explains is "risking broken bones and serious injury." It's only surprising that this isn't the mag's cover story under the headline: "Millions of American Foot Fetishists Dice With Death."

Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Duchess Kate wore it best, that Zack Braff is "related to Mitt Romney through Rebecca Nurse, a woman executed at the Salem Witch Trials," and that the stars are just like us: they hike, do yard work, sip wine and shop. All while being stalked by paparazzi.

Leave it to the 'Globe' to recycle the oldest of stories, reporting that Chicago gangster Al Capone dropped out of school in sixth grade — in 1910 — and that Wild West gunslinger Johnny Ringo committed suicide — in 1882. That's news you can use, if you happen to be Wyatt Earp.

Onwards and downwards . . .