How many slaps does it take to cook a chicken?

Louis Weisz tackles an enduring question that has consumed reddit and YouTube, creating several iterations of his Meat Beater 9000 device and his upgraded Poultry Punisher. He's able to raise the temperature of a chicken almost 30 degrees Fahrenheit, but slapping problems start to emerge above those temps.

It turns out that the question is not framed correctly. The real question is "How fast does a chicken need to be slapped with enough force to heat it while preserving its structural integrity?" It would require light slaps at a mind-boggling slap-per-second speed in order to cook a chicken enough to be able to eat it safely without reducing it to pink slime.

"A" for effort, though!

Image: YouTube / Louis Weisz