In a week when insurgents tried to overthrow the government and the president was impeached for an unprecedented second time, the tabloids address the issues that really matter in America: Kim & Kanye's divorce, Jeffrey Epstein's murder, and the battle over Larry King's will.
The fact that there is no substantive evidence that Epstein was murdered, that Kim & Kanye have not separated or even filed for divorce, and that Larry King is still alive at the time of writing, is indicative of the lengths to which the tabloids will go to avoid confronting reality.
"Shocking Photos That Got Epstein Murdered!" screams the cover of the 'National Enquirer.' "Why predator's pals ordered prison hit!"
But there are no shocking photos, simply snaps of Epstein with some children at DisneyWorld after he treated ten people, apparently including the children's parents, to a VIP vacation.
The pedophile billionaire, whose tastes allegedly ran to girls as young as 14, is pictured on his private jet with a young girl allegedly asleep in his arms, which is certainly creepy in retrospect, but if the girl's parents were present it's hardly shocking, and certainly not a reason for him to be murdered by anyone, let alone his "pals."
Reporting on "Kim & Kayne's Ugly $1 Billion Divorce!" the 'Enquirer' claims without a scintilla of evidence that Kanye was having an affair, even though reps for the couple vehemently insist that neither has cheated.
"Kim & Kanye Behind Closed Doors" reports 'Us' magazine, though its investigative team clearly doesn't know what happens behind closed doors, as it reports the couple are "living totally separate lives." Separate from 'Us' magazine reporters too, one expects.
'People' magazine devotes its cover to "Kim & Kanye's Breaking Point – She Has Had Enough." Haven't we all?
The 'Globe' takes even greater leaps of the imagination with its cover story: "COVID Patient Larry King, 87 – Nasty Battle Over $50M Will! TV legend gave all the cash to sons & cut out wife."
Firstly, although King was battling coronavirus he was still very much alive as the 'Globe' went to press, and money from his will hasn't been given to anyone yet.
Secondly, King filed for divorce last year and cut his eighth Shawn wife out of his will, so it's is hardly surprising that the veteran TV chat show host is expected to bequeath his fortune to his children.
Finally, estranged wife of 22 years Shawn isn't contesting King's will. Rather, she's seeking increased spousal support, allegedly because the $33,000 a month she currently receives doesn't cover her monthly expenses: $25,000 in rent, $12,000 for clothing, her $3,500 grocery bill and $4,500 spent on hair, nails, pet care and the gym. She's the living embodiment of self-sacrifice, poor thing. Frankly, it's hard to imagine how she could survive on the $90,000 she reportedly claims to need each month.
The tabloids clearly ran out of celebrity news this week, instead conjuring up air-filed soufflés of vacuity in their place.
"Clooney Hits the Refresh Button" reports the 'Enquirer' about George Clooney. The actor turns 60 in May, so he's allegedly planning a "head-to-toe makeover." Just like every Hollywood celebrity of any age who wants to remain employable.
"Jen Needs A Vacation From Luxury Lockdown!" reports the 'Enquirer,' claiming that thanks to coronavirus restrictions Jennifer Aniston is "going stir-crazy" in her Beverly Hills home. Aren't we all?
'The 'Enquirer' brings us this update on Julia Roberts: "Julia Can Relax – It's A Boy!" Why would the 'Pretty Woman' star be anxious whether her niece Emma Roberts gave birth to a boy or a girl? Utter sexist nonsense.
The 'Globe' brands Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan "The Podcouple!" after their debut podcast "embarrassingly landed at No. 17 on the Spotify podcast list behind more thrilling entries like Deep Sleep Sounds, which featured groans, clicks and whistles made by whales! . . . Critics claim the first episode was mundane." Maybe, but let's see that whale try to claim any royalties.
Olivia Wilde's budding romance with singer Harry Styles, ten years her junior, dominates the cover of 'Us' mag, which asks: "Did Olivia Cheat? Steamy Sleepovers. Bombshell Text Messages."
Wilde reportedly claims she split from former lover Jason Sudeikis early in 2020, while his friends claim the couple were still together in November when she began growing closer to Styles. You can understand why this would push the insurgency at the US Capitol building off the front page.
Reading 'People' mag's feel-good feature on "Paul Bettany – Marriage and Children Changed My Life," one can't help wondering if 'People' run this same story every week and just change the celebrity's name and photographs? The only thing missing is Bettany claiming he's "living my best life," like every other star that 'People' interviews.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us' mag to tell us that Khloé Kardashian wore it best, that Tim Allen likes "to make friends with spiders," and that the stars are just like us: they ride bikes, work out, walk their dogs and take out the trash. Hard to believe, but 'Us' mag has the photos to prove it: if you're a celebrity you can't even haul a recycling bin to the curb without being monstered by paparazzi.
Always first with the news, the 'Globe' informs us that "In 1869, Wyoming became the first state to give women the right to vote!" That's good news, even if it's 151 years late. It's also not entirely accurate, since Wyoming didn't become a state until 1890, and was only a territory when it granted women the vote. Historians wonder if the move was in part motivated by sexually frustrated men in the territory that boasted a mere 6,000 males, but barely 1,000 women.
Onwards and downwards . . .
