Earth, if it were listed on Zillow

David Pescovitz 7:06 am Tue Mar 2, 2021

Comedy writer Isabella Giovannini imagined Zillow listings for our home planet. From the New Yorker:

Earth (TWO WEEKS ON ZILLOW)
This STUNNING open-concept planet is STILL available, but act fast—it is HOT, HOT, HOT! Old-world fire meets modern methane. 0 BR/19,000 volcanoes. Call today!
Earth (SIXTY MILLION YEARS ON ZILLOW)
REDUCED PRICE! This pre-concept-of-war GEM has somehow STILL never been lived in!
Earth (THREE HUNDRED MILLION YEARS ON ZILLOW)
This pre-prehistoric JEWEL has now been on the market for three hundred million years! What the HECK, guys?!
Earth (SEVEN HUNDRED AND TEN MILLION YEARS ON ZILLOW)
O.K., FINE! Nobody wanted to live in my hot boiling orb so I GUT-RENOVATED it! Now it has all the MODERN AMENITIES: metallic zircon crust, state-of-the-art slime, water. These changes cost a FORTUNE and took literally MILLIONS OF YEARS. I hope you're HAPPY, you little SHITS. Call today!

Read the rest: "Zillow Listings for Earth" (The New Yorker)

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