Watch the incredible sales video for Rockwell Automation's Retroencabulator

This 1997 pitch for Rockwell Automation's Retroencabulator makes me feel like an idiot for not already owning one. The technology improves upon a 1944 machine called the turboencabulator:

The original machine had a base plate of prefabulated amulite, surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that the two main spurving bearings were in a direct line with the panametric fan. The latter consisted simply of six hydrocoptic marzlevanes, so fitted to the ambifacient lunar waneshaft that side fumbling was effectively prevented. The main winding was of the normal lotus-o-deltoid type placed in panendermic semi-boloid slots in the stator, every seventh conductor being connected by a nonreversible tremmie pipe to the differential girdlespring on the "up" end of the grammeters.