Duchess Meghan's Secret Psych Report in this week's dubious tabloids

As Prince Harry and Meghan's "nuclear hand grenade"  tell-all to Oprah Winfrey continues to transfix the chattering classes on both sides of the Atlantic, the 'National Enquirer' unveils a blockbuster front page exclusive: "Meghan's Secret Psych Analysis! Experts Unmask Harry's Cruel & Vindictive Wife."

Obtaining a highly classified psychological report from Buckingham Palace is a real coup  –  or it would be, but of course that's not at all what the 'Enquirer' has.

It's not a psych report commissioned by the Queen or what Meghan calls "the gray suits" at Buckingham Palace, Kensington Palace, Clarence House or Windsor Castle. It's not a report ordered by her worried husband Harry, or by her concerned mom Doria.

It's a report commissioned by  –  surprise, surprise!  –  the 'National Enquirer.' Their team of "experts" have spent this many hours talking with their subject: Zero.

In fact, this "Enquirer Explosive Investigation" was so clandestine that nobody outside the 'Enquirer' offices knew about it until they splashed it on the cover and across two inside pages. Can a publication call it a "top-secret psychological profile" when it's the one that commissioned the report in the first place? Unless the 'Enquirer' never intended to release the report, and somehow was tricked into accidentally exposing it on the front page, the answer is: No.

And how did the 'Enquirer' team of experts determine that Duchess Meghan is  –  take a deep breath  –   "a mentally unstable ticking time bomb . . . a pathological liar and bipolar narcissist with histrionic personality disorder"?

The report was crafted by Ohio's Institute of BioAcoustic Biology, a venture which has been criticized for its pseudoscientific voice analysis lie-detector claims, and which in Meghan's case reportedly employed "a computer algorithm to diagnose health issues and psychological characteristics." After all, why waste time having psychiatrists and psychologists interview the subject, when you can run her interview with Oprah through a computer algorithm?

This report concludes that "Meghan has a strong need to be in control . . . wants things her way and . . . has a hard time taking criticism." 

Perhaps not the most alluring personality attributes, but hardly damning. So the 'Enquirer' turns to psychologists who have never met Meghan to offer the "jaw-dropping findings" that she is a "pathological liar . . . with serious psychological issues."

Might the same be said of the folks who compiled this story?

"Meghan Digs Into 'Smear Campaign'" declares the 'Globe,' claiming that the Duchess of Sussex is demanding to know the identify of Palace staff who have accused her of bullying.

Meghan has claimed that the bullying accusations are part of a "smear campaign" by the Palace to undermine her, and the 'Globe' insinuates that Meghan is again bullying by demanding to know her accusers' names. But identifying an accuser is a fundamental part of mounting a defense, and hardly shocking.

Equally manipulative is the 'Globe' story: "Charles' Pals Pan Harry's Penniless Prince Act!" 

The rag accuses "crybaby Prince Harry" of lying when he told Oprah that his father, Prince Charles, "literally cut me off financially." While Charles' friends allegedly complain that Charles continued to fund Harry after he left the UK in late 2019, it has been widely known that Charles gave his son a year's financing following his departure, after which he would indeed turn off the royal spigot, which indeed happened late last year. By then, Harry and Meghan had signed a reported $100 million deal with Netflix and a $25 million deal with Spotify, giving them the financial independence they sought.

The 'Globe' concludes that the Royal couple's "fortune is currently estimated at a jaw-dropping $140 million," which would be delightful for the renegade royals, if only they didn't have to use much of their Netflix and Spotify millions to actually produce a string of costly movies, television series and podcasts.

Staying with the British Royals, Prince Andrew's former friend, the late convicted pedophile billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, is the subject of the 'Globe' cover story: "$70M Epstein Hush Money Scandal Explodes!"

Epstein's Manhattan mansion recently sold for $51 million and his Palm Beach mansion fetched $18.5 million  –  both below asking price  –  as the estate faces multi-million dollar lawsuits by his alleged sexual assault victims. But paying compensation to crime victims is not exactly the same as "hush money," which would be paid to buy a victim's silence. It's rather late for that, since most have been highly vocal about Epstein's abuses.

Indeed, new legal papers filed in the US Virgin Islands, where Epstein owned a private island, claim that Epstein's lawyer and accountant did pay hush money to "muzzle victims" –  charges they vehemently deny.
Epstein's estate has been valued at $655 million, but the 'Globe' insists Epstein amassed a "$100 BILLION fortune  –  and most is missing!" Or maybe it was never there to begin with?

'Us' magazine continues to take sides against Meghan, with its hagiographic cover story on sister-in-law Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge: "Grace Under Pressure  –  Duchess takes control in palace crisis. 'Meghan's burned all her bridges  –  it's over.'"

Perhaps 'Us' mag was expecting Kate to launch a vituperative Twitter rant excoriating Meghan, or to grab a rifle from one of her guards and go postal at the nearest polo game, but instead she has surprised nobody  –  except 'Us' mag  –  by maintaining a stiff upper lip and carrying on regardless.

Treading with all the finesse of an elephant in hob-nail boots into the minefield of international geopolitics, the 'Globe' brings us the report: "Kim Jong-un's Sis Warns War Is Coming!"

The North Korean dictator's "power-mad . . . ruthless" sister Kim Yo-jong, dubbed by the rag as "the most evil woman in the world," did not exactly declare war on America.

What she actually said was offering "a word of advice to the new administration of the United States. If you wish to sleep well for the next four years, it would be better not to create work from the start that will make you lose sleep."

Hardly words of friendship, but compared with President Trump's threat in 2017 to hit North Korea with "fire and fury," Kim Yo-jong's words are positively brimming with bonhomie.

The 'Enquirer' seems to believe that an R&B icon is near death, as it reports: "Tina Turner Takes Final Curtain Call."

The singer is reportedly "battling stroke, PTSD, cancer," and making her "brave farewell!"

While it's true that she has endured health issues in recent years, Turner's "final farewell" turns out to be not a death-bed whisper, but a new documentary about her life. You know she's in decent shape when the rag fails to mention she has "three months left to live," which is their standard diagnosis for any celebrity with an illness that can't be cured with a couple of Advil.

'People' magazine devotes its cover to Hollywood royalty keeping a stiff upper lip: Ben Affleck's ex-wife Jennifer Garner, revealing: "What I've Learned About Myself."

What she's learned is that it only takes a bland Netflix family comedy like 'Yes Day' to put you on the cover of 'People' magazine, but she also shares with readers: "I've learned that I'm pretty sturdy. I mean, I have my moments, but pretty much, I'm really okay." Sweet.

Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us' mag to tell us that Scarlett Johansson wore it best, that 'Shark Tank star Kevin O'Leary once "met Bullseye the bull terrier  –  a.k.a. the Target dog," and that the stars are just like us: they take out the trash, go to the supermarket, and apply sunblock. Those wild and crazy stars!

This week's potential Pulitzer Prize nominee from the latest tabloids is found in the 'Globe,' which brings us a cacophony of alliteration, mixed metaphors and bad puns in a single sentence: "A churlish cheetah is definitely behind bars today  –  it's being kept in quarantine after going ape and attacking a worker at Ohio's Columbus Zoo and Aquarium, officials report."

Onwards and downwards . . .