"World War 3 Is Coming!" screams the cover of this week's 'National Enquirer,' which is a pleasant change from past tabloid stories threatening WWIII which have been relegated to pages deep inside the rag.
"Secret Pentagon Warning! "Russia, China and North Korea Plot Spring Invasions."
But who needs a secret Pentagon warning when the US military openly warn of the threat from overseas powers almost daily?
The 'Enquirer' report seems to be inspired by former US Ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul, who last week warned that Ukraine would not hesitate to respond if Russian troops now massing near their border went on to invade.
The 'Enquirer' explains: "Russia, China and North Korea have secretly formed a new 'Axis of Evil' conspiring to seize and occupy other nations, analysts revealed." But those aren't Pentagon analysts.
"China is preparing to seize the island of Taiwan," claims the 'Enquirer' with its deep knowledge of geopolitics, while North Korea has amassed an arsenal whose "firepower could devastate South Korea."
But fear not. Anti-Islamist fear-monger Clarion Intelligence Network's Ryan Mauro predicts: "If we are talking a fight to the death, America will win – hands down!"
Surprisingly demoted to an inside page of the 'Enquirer' is the alien invasion of Earth, as allegedly revealed by the Pentagon: "Caught On Camera – Hostile UFOs Swarm US Navy Ships!"
The Pentagon indeed released video of unidentified craft flying above the destroyer USS Russell at night. But what made them appear hostile? Apparently because they were there.
Their presence is described by an unnamed US Navy pilot as "an act of war." So we're at war with extra-terrestrials, and the 'Enquirer' buries that on page 15?
It can only be because there's far bigger breaking news: "Rin Tin Tin Child Star Died Broke and Alone!" Yes, "beloved '50s child star Lee Aaker" – do readers even remember him, let alone love him? – "died penniless . . . at 77." Having appeared in 'Rin Tin Tin,' of course the 'Enquirer' claims he "died like a dog!" No, he wasn't euthanized, or run over while chasing a car. He had a stroke. Like a dog who suffers a stroke, apparently.
While wars apparently threaten every corner of the planet, the tabloids focus on the one war already blazing: the battle between Britain's young Princes.
"William & Harry at war over their wives!" proclaims the 'Globe' cover. "Showdown At Philip's Funeral! Brothers Refuse to forgive & forget! Blame each other for ugly royal rift!" The headline across two inside pages: "William & Harry Bury Philip – Not The Ax!"
Claiming a "World Exclusive" the 'Globe' reveals of Harry and William's reunion at their grandfather's funeral: "Their showdown was explosive. They're refusing to forgive – or make peace."
Despite their public reconciliation, "William and Harry erupted in a raging royal screaming match." How do Fleet Street's finest keep missing these stories? And how does the 'Globe' consistently uncover verbatim conversations between the royals that happen in closed rooms behind locked doors? They must have every inch of Buckingham Palace and Kensington Palace bugged, or could it be that Prince Harry is feeding them inside information himself?
The 'Enquirer' reports on the reunion: "Furious Charles Chases Harry Back To America After Philip Funeral." Charles has told Harry: "Go back to America – and stay there!" It sounds just the sort of thing Charles would say, and then no doubt he phoned the 'Enquirer' to fill them in on the details.
"Philip Died Bitter Over TV Tell-All," reports the 'Globe.' Royal biographer Gyles Brandreth says that Philip called Harry and Meghan's interview with Oprah Winfrey "madness," so the 'Globe' naturally concludes that he was bitter to the bitter end.
'People' magazine gets in on the act with its cover story: "Harry & William – Brother United in Grief." The mag clearly hasn't read the 'Globe.'
"The day of Prince Philip's funeral dawned crisp and bright," begins 'People' mag's report, taking a languorous approach to the brothers' reunion. "It's a good start," says a source – referring to their meeting, not the intro. As 'Royal expert Ingrid Seward tells the mag: "There were no clues to the true state of their relationship." No kidding.
'Us' magazine devotes its cover to Prince Harry's wife Duchess Meghan: "Pregnant Meghan – My Baby, My Way."
She's craving pasta, doing yoga, and suffering less morning sickness this time around, claim unnamed sources.The authoritative report says she's preparing "for baby No.2 at home in L.A." Since Meghan doesn't live in Los Angeles, but is almost 90 miles further north in Montecito, how are we supposed to take their "insider" information seriously?
The tabloids continue to analyze the political landscape with their trademark insight and subtlety.
"Caitlyn Getting Smaller Boobs So Run For Gov Won't Go Bust!" states the 'Globe,' which asks readers to believe that Caitlyn Jenner is considering breast reduction surgery "to look more conservative" for voters if she runs for the California Governor's office.
Because everyone knows that Californians won't vote for a Governor with oversized silicon implants – it's the question foremost in the minds of the electorate in every opinion poll.
"What Wasn't In Hunter Biden's Tell-All Book!" gasps the 'Enquirer,' and then proceeds to tell us, along with photos better suited to a hard porn magazine. The 'Enquirer' publishes images allegedly lifted from Hunter's infamous abandoned laptop – the one he forgot he'd left at a computer repair store – showing him asleep with what looks like crack pipe in his mouth, and naked in bed mounted by not one but two young women who are far too well endowed to seriously run for the Governorship of California. It makes one want to vote for Joe Biden all over again.
New York's Governor Andrew Cuomo gets the treatment in this week's 'Globe': "Cuomo Caught Up In Cheating Scandal!" Facing sexual harassment accusations by at least eight women, the Governor's "longtime love", Food Network star Sandra Lee, "has fled to Malibu," says an unnamed insider: "She literally could not have moved further away from Andrew." Literally? What about Northwest Alaska? Hawaii? China? Australia? The 'Globe,' despite its name, literally has no sense of geography.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us' mag to tell us that Regina King wore it best, that singer Julia Michaels shockingly starts every day with "a shower," and that the stars are just like us: they hail taxis, cook dinner, get take-out pizza, and decorate their homes.
But wait! 'Us' mag devotes two pages to reveal the startling news: "Stars – They;re NOT Like Us!" We see celebrities flying in private jets, driving expensive rare vintage cars, luxuriating in their "massive walk-in-closets," being shadowed by bodyguards, and using a Moet & Chandon vending machine. Finally, the magazine recognizes that money and fame can actually buy a different lifestyle from the rest of us.
The 'Globe' reports that Texan Ayanna Williams, the woman with the world's longest fingernails – all 288.8 inches of them – has had them cut for the first time in 30 years. It's worth noting that each fingernail wasn't 24 feet long; that was the total length of all ten fingernails combined.
Her clipped curled nails will now go on stomach-churning display at the Ripley's Believe It Or Not! Museum in Orlando, Florida, adding to that state's rich cultural and artistic heritage.
Onwards and downwards . . .
