In The National Enquirer, the cover story screams "Royals Finally Dish The Dirt!" as if the Queen and Prince Charles have finally poured their hearts out to the Florida tabloid. What do they tell? "How Harry Created Monster Meghan!"
Harry couldn't knit a woolen hat, let alone create a monster.
How did he achieve this Dr. Frankenstein act with his American bride? "By covering up the truth about royal life before they tied the knot." Ah yes, that'll do it every time.
Is anyone really surprised by the latest 'Enquirer' revelation: "Tucker Carlson TV's Most Hated Host!" Don't they read sister rag the 'Globe,' which in September 2020 ran a cover story with the headline: "TV's Most Hated Host!"? Maybe it's part of a new environmentally friendly sustainability project, where the magazine group is recycling stories. As if anyone will notice.
Turning to politics, the Enquirer exposes "Caitlyn's Revenge Run!"
Apparently Caitlyn Jenner isn't running for election as Governor of California for the power or the fame, nor to bring Trump's vision to the Golden State or change the world for the better. Rather, it's "her crack at getting sweet revenge on the Kardashians for shunning her," claims the 'Enquirer.' Isn't that why Gavin Newsom ran for Governor in the first place?
"Jen & Vera: Peas In A Poison Pod!" reports the rag, citing facts not in evidence. The 'Enquirer' claims there is "double trouble as look-alike actresses vie for the same roles," apparently ignoring the minor detail that Jennifer Aniston and Vera Farmiga look nothing alike, even if they are competing for the same roles. Who are you going to believe:the 'Enquirer,' or your own lying eyes?
In Globe, "Clinton, Maxwell & Epstein – Secret Meeting Exposed!" rages the front page splash. "Explosive photos expose TRUTH about his ties to Epstein & Maxwell."
Well, yes, there are a handful of newly released photos showing Bill Clinton greeting alleged sex slave scandal co-conspirator Ghislaine Maxwell, but the images are hardly explosive or unexpected. It's been known since last year that Jeffrey Epstein and Maxwell were among dozens of guests who attended a White House reception to thank donors who had contributed $10,000 or more to aid in White House renovations.
Their meeting came at a crowded public official occasion rather than at a secret private rendezvous, and the photos expose no "TRUTH" about anything other than the fact that they were all there.
The photos don't even prove that Epstein and Maxwell received any special access to Clinton: anyone who donated enough money received an invite. These are possibly the least scandalous photos one can imagine, revealing nothing.
"Charles In Charge! Grabs power as queen, 95, mourns her hubby's death." No, Scott Baio hasn't taken over Buckingham Palace, and Prince Charles hasn't launched a coup d'etat. The Queen has simply asked Charles to take over many of the duties previously performed by her husband, the late Duke of Edinburgh. But the Queen is still in charge, last time anyone checked.
"Musicians Rip Harry & Meghan's $25M Deal." But no, they didn't. Musicians are paid fractions of a cent when their music is streamed on Spotify, and some have complained that if Spotify has the money to pay Prince Harry and Meghan a fat sum for their podcast series, then surely the company can afford to pay more than a few cents to the folk who produce the majority of Spotify's content. But these musicians weren't attacking Harry and Meghan; they were criticising Spotify for not paying music-makers a fair share.
"Another Bloody Baldwin Brawl" screams the headline above a photo of Alec Baldwin's 25-year-old daughter Ireland with blood streaming down her face from a bloody nose. But it wasn't a "Baldwin brawl" that caused her injuries. Ireland was apparently babysitting two seven-year-old boys when an accident occurred. She posted the bloody photo on social media to make fun of how her babysitting had proven so hazardous. She should try babysitting the Globe editorial team if she wants real danger.
In People this week, there are two competing covers vying for readers' attention: "Hilary Duff – From Child Star to Mom of 3!' and "I Survived A Monster – Breaking Free from Marilyn Manson."
It will be interesting to see which cover sells best: the feel-good tale of the Lizzie McGuire star surviving teen fame and finding love after heartbreak, or Ashley Morgan Smithline's dark tale of alleged sexual abuse, mutilation and rape at the hands of Manson.
"J. Lo & Ben's Reunion – What's Really Going On?" asks another headline. Very little, evidently. "There is nothing romantic going on between the two" says an insider. Always good to know when nothing's going on.
In Us, "Prince William – Life As The Future King" dominates the mag's cover. "Ready To Rule," proclaims the headline inside. But it's all rather premature, since Prince Charles may have a thing or two to say about the line of succession, and William will just have to wait his turn.
William allegedly "plans to revamp the monarchy," say insiders. Because that worked so well for Harry and Meghan.
William has reportedly been having "informal discussions" with Charles and the Queen about the job requirements for when he becomes monarch. One suspects the position is his without having to interview for it.
"Ben & Jen – It's On – Again! Bennifer is back!" But is it? Every other report suggests that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are close friends. Don't they read People magazine?
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at Us mag to tell us that Katie Holmes and Keke Palmer both wore their 'Fokk Sugar' sweatshirts equally well: a rare 50/50 vote split that really demands a recount by the good folks at the Arizona State Senate, that Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Dorit Kemsley confesses: "I really don't like to eat sweet potatoes," and that the stars are just like us: they walk their dogs, dine out, and eat yoghurt. Scintillating, as ever.
Inexplicably, Us again brings us 'What's In My Bag?' – the occasional feature that reveals next to nothing about a celebrity's life by examining the contents of their carefully curated purse, invariably containing a novel designed to prove the intellectual and woke credentials of its owner. This week it's Ireland Baldwin, fresh from her adventures in babysitting, whose Stella McCartney bag conveniently holds a copy of Ibram X. Kendi's National Book Award-winning Stamped From The Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America, alongside a tiny box containing a candy heart, fresh thong underwear in case of "wardrobe mishaps," Fever Dream lipstick, and a small stuffed toy animal. No sign of a styptic pencil, however, which would have come in handy when she busted her nose.
Onwards and downwards . . .