Cleveland Indians renamed Guardians

Not wanting to be left in the former Redskins' dust, the Cleveland Indians of the MLB pledged to change their offensive mascot name, much like the football club of Washington did. But rather than settle for a generic placeholder name like the "Cleveland Baseball Club" would have been, they have chosen the name "Guardians". The Cleveland Guardians. The name is derived from the Hope Memorial Bridge in Cleveland which features formidable stone statues guarding the traffic. No really. The statues are officially named the "Guardians of Traffic", much like I am the equally pedestrian "Sentinel of English Muffins" in my house.

Seriously, naming your historic baseball team after statues impotently guarding minivans on a thoroughfare seems strange, but I'm not from Cleveland. There are plenty of Cleveland-ites who are not thrilled with the new name, however. Many of these Cleveland-anians are pointing out a very cool opportunity missed. Between 1887-1889 the professional baseball team in Cleveland were called the "Spiders". The idea was considered and then passed on. Are you kidding me? Do you know how cool a name that is, and all the unbelievable marketing opportunities that would come with it? Unreal. Instead, a mascot that is guarding against…traffic. The traffic guards don't instill much awe or interest for me. Not like that amazing proposed spider logo does.

Spiders had the potential to sufficiently distract those racist dopes who will continue to hold on to the Indian name and Chief Wahoo logo like their childhood blankies, and "Guardians" will certainly fall short of widespread acceptance in the short term.

Watch as Tom Hanks narrates the presentation of the new name over the Black Keys music with the regular platitudes and slow-motion sequences to fire up the Cleveland almost-Spiders faithful.