American politics and British royals dominate this week's tawdry tabloids, with an equal disregard for facts and a loving embrace of sensationalism.
'National Enquirer'
Ousted New York Governor Andrew Cuomo's mounting problems are amplified in the 'National Enquirer' cover story: "Andrew Cuomo Prison Nightmare. Forced Out of Office. Dad Is Spinning in His Grave!"
Fastidious in its dedication to accuracy, the 'Enquirer' doubtless placed seismometers above former Gov. Mario Cuomo's grave to confirm his rotational movement.
And despite allegations of sexual harassment by 11 women, and investigation into whether he deliberately under-reported the number of New York State nursing home deaths due to coronavirus, and a continuing police investigation into at least one criminal sex assault allegation, Andrew Cuomo has yet to face any criminal charges, so the "prison nightmare" envisioned by the 'Enquirer' is premature, and at this stage remains their wishful thinking.
"Sex Monster Prince Andrew Caught At Last!" No, he hasn't been caught, captured, arrested, or even cautioned.
Virginia Giuffre, aged 38, dubbed a "tortured teen" by the 'Enquirer,' has revealed her "terrifying assault ordeal" in a civil suit, repeating the same allegations she's been making for years. Or as the 'Enquirer' puts it: "Sex Monster Andrew Cornered Like Rat!"
The rag lays into the former president with its spread: "Obama Lords It Over Big Bash!"
Obama recently celebrated his 60th birthday with a lavish party, so the 'Enquirer' naturally hired a "top shrink" who claims the festivities "proved his ego is out of control." Because only the best psychiatrists are trained in how to analyze the deep Jungian significance of a birthday bash. The 'Enquirer' reports that Obama spent the days-long event "golfing with pals, parading around in an island-themed shirt and dancing up a storm," which in their editorial judgment constitutes "outrageous behavior." Indeed, who wouldn't be scandalized by golfing and dancing, all the while wearing a tropical shirt?
'The Globe'
Obama may have left office more than five years ago, but the 'Globe' gleefully grabs every opportunity to swipe at him, devoting its cover story to: "Party Animal Obama – Public Enemy No. 1."
Ranking him ahead of coronavirus, Al Qaeda and white supremacists, Obama is apparently America's worst nightmare because he celebrated his 60th birthday with a large party while the pandemic raged.
"Arrogant Barack thumbs nose at public & flaunts covid rules!" claims the 'Globe.'
The story blithely ignores the fact that at the last minute Obama asked hundreds of guests not to come as news of the virulent Delta variant spread, and entertained a far smaller group of close friends and family outdoors. Guests had to show proof of negative covid test results, and a covid coordinator ensured that public health guidelines were followed. Nevertheless, the 'Globe' declares that Obama, AKA "Mr. Special," is "too big for his britches!" Which begs the question: are 'Globe' readers the only ones old enough to still remember what britches are?
"Defiant Meghan Mocks the Queen!" proclaims the 'Globe.' Apparently Duchess Meghan's 40th birthday video, made public to help launch yet another charitable operation with the help of her friend, actress Melissa McCarthy, was a thinly veiled attack on the Queen.
McCarthy allegedly said in the video that she was working on her organic garden, which the 'Globe' claims was "a not-so-subtle dig at organic crusader Prince Charles." Because who else works in a garden, except Prince Charles?
Then McCarthy and Meghan sipped tea from elegant china cups – "as Her Majesty does every afternoon!" Clearly a savage swipe at the Queen, and not merely a reference to the millions of British subjects who enjoy a cuppa in the morning, afternoon and evening.
And then "Meghan turned her henpecked husband into a court jester" by having Harry make a cameo appearance juggling balls. Because heaven forbid if he actually had a playful sense of humor.
All of this – the organic gardening, tea-swilling and juggling – "insults the Queen" claims the 'Globe,' which knows an insult when it sees one – and it sees them everywhere.
Royal whipping-boy Prince Andrew, who must rue the day he ever met billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein – who would have ever thought that alliance could possibly go wrong? – is targeted yet again by the 'Globe,' which reports: "Predator Andrew Thrown To Wolves! Royals turn backs on accused rapist as new charges explode in court."
If he had been thrown to the wolves the Queen would have demanded that Andrew cooperate with police and the FBI investigating allegations against him, which hasn't happened yet. Despite past 'Globe' reports that the Queen locked up Andrew in the Tower of London, she has continued to quietly protect him and welcome him at her palaces, though taking him out of the public eye by stripping him of his duties. And no member of the Royal Family has spoken out against Andrew, though they haven't exactly rallied to his support either.
"Bride Bo Wants Baby At 65!" Not exactly. Newlywed actress Bo Derek is reportedly "looking at the adoption option," which frankly seems unlikely since she and husband, 'Sex & The City' alum John Corbett, have been together more than 20 years and never before took a step in the direction of parenthood. But the Victorian-minded 'Globe' seems to think that if they've finally tied the knot, the patter of tiny feet can't be far behind.
'People'
Yet again we're treated to the obligatory Royal cover story: "Harry & Meghan: The Lessons They've Learned."
You might think the biggest lesson they've learned over the past year is how to monetize their royal titles and squeeze a $100 million production deal out of Netflix, with a $20 million podcast deal from Spotify and an estimated $20 million book deal for Harry's coming memoir.
But according to 'People' magazine, which should know such things, they've allegedly learned to prioritize mental health, not to compromise their values, accept that not everything goes according to plan, honor the big moments, and that it's "okay to slow down." This all according to their unofficial biographer Omid Scobie, who has the paperback edition of his Harry 'n Meghan book 'Finding Freedom' coming out on August 31, with a new chapter updating events. Says Scobie: "If we look at where they are now, they feel that it worked out in the best possible way in the end." As if their saga is even half-way over, let alone at an end. Just wait till 'The Crown' gets hold of Harry and Meghan in a few seasons time.
The male model famed in the 'Eighties for his singular name and absence of discernible talent is back: "Still Living The Fabio Life!" Former romance novel cover beefcake-turned-promoter of signature hair-care products, fitness videos, clothing and posters, at the age of 60 Fabio still has long flowing Death Metal hair and is looking for love, marriage and a family, saying: "I still want to have kids." Perhaps he can still get his fairytale romance novel ending after all.
'Us Weekly'
Singer Kelly Clarkson dominates the cover: "Surviving A Divorce From Hell. Fighting to protect her $45 million fortune."
But let's be honest: there's not that much left to fight about after a judge recently ruled that her prenuptial agreement is valid, so as 'Us' mag admits within its story, this is "leaving her $45 million fortune protected."
Naturally, Clarkson hasn't said a word to 'Us' mag about surviving her hellish divorce, and in fact the only quote from her is lifted from a recent Instagram post as she partied with friends in Las Vegas, saying: "I dare you to have a better time than me right now." Sounds like sheer hell.
Apparently Clarkson's "greedy" ex-husband "wants her money & is still living on her Montana ranch." She's having to somehow eke out a bare existence at her $5.4 million Los Angeles home where she lives with their two children, having been granted primary custody by the court.
"Prince Harry – New Attack on Palace. First Look At Bombshell Book" proclaims a large inset on the mag's front cover.
But there's less here than meets the eye: It's a one-paragraph story doing a pitiful job of trying to steal 'People' mag's thunder by claiming inside knowledge on Harry's upcoming memoir. It doesn't give the merest glimpse inside the book, not even a side-glance, let alone a first look. An unnamed source predictably claims the Prince will "explain the constraints of the monarchy in the book, and . . . why he wanted to leave." But Harry's already spoken to Oprah Winfrey about the constraints of life within the Royal Family, and he clearly never wanted to leave the taxpayer-funded bosom of the Royal Family – he wanted to enjoy his personal freedom while still grabbing all the perks and privileges that came with his rank.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us' mag to tell us that Anastasia Karanikolaou wore it best (and spelled it best), that model Camille Kostek "can't live without lavender essential oil" (presumably food and water are optional extras), and that the stars are just like us: they ride bicycles, sip tea, drink caffeinated iced matchas, and sanitize their hands – hopefully after doing all of the above.
Onwards and downwards . . .
