For fair and balanced geopolitical analysis at its best, why would you look anywhere else but the supermarket tabloids? It's probably a coincidence that the two top stories this week both attack president Joe Biden, while Biden is tainted by association with Barack Obama, still branded "Public Enemy No.1" for daring to throw a party amid a pandemic – not to be confused with the maskless thousands who attend Trump rallies and must presumably be acknowledged as true Americans.
"Biden's Vietnam" screams the cover story. "Afghanistan Falls & Taliban Wins!"
It's fair game for the 'Enquirer' to brand Biden's ordered pull-out of American troops in Afghanistan "an unequivocal disaster," but the magazine might be taking the increased threat of terrorist attack on the US mainland a little too far.
"Sleeper cells unleashed in YOUR HOMETOWN!" proclaims the headline, which is quite a claim, considering that the 'Enquirer' can't possibly know the location of every reader's hometown. Or has the 'Enquirer' learned that the Taliban has terrorist cells in every hometown in America?
At last, the 'Enquirer' brings us news we can use: "How to Spot a Terrorist and Protect Yourself."
Among the clues that your best friend might be a terrorist: "They have a grudge against America . . . . They use threatening language or incite others to commit violence . . . They stockpile assault rifles, pistols or other weapons and/or materials used for bomb-making." Sounds a lot like the average QAnon supporter.
Of course, the tabloids couldn't let a week pass without revisiting the scandal-plagued British royal family.
"Andrew Unravels In New Epstein Teen Sex Probe! Charles sics Scotland Yard on ruined royal."
As if Prince Charles can command Scotland Yard to do his bidding. He can't. It would be a major breach of protocol if Charles even suggested that Scotland Yard look into anything.
In the wake of a sexual abuse lawsuit filed against Prince Andrew in the US earlier this month, Scotland Yard chief Cressida Dick merely said that the British police will review their position, but insisted: "at the moment there is no investigation."
More political insight and analysis courtesy of the 'Globe,' whose cover story reports: "Biden Blackmail Nightmare! President's explosive secret emails hacked! Russians have another laptop lost by son Hunter!"
For those who thought that Biden's troubled son Hunter had lost only one incriminating laptop, the 'Globe' informs us that he's actually hit his hat-trick, losing three of them. As Lady Bracknell might have said: to lose one laptop may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose three looks like carelessness.
Hunter Biden's third laptop computer was supposedly purloined by "a trio of mysterious Russians in Las Vegas" after Hunter blacked out in his hotel room. There's no evidence that there was anything incriminating about Hunter Biden or his father on the laptop, but speculating wildly, the 'Globe' reports: "US intelligence agencies fear the commander in chief could be the target of blackmail based on drug addict Hunter's hacked emails and files!"
The report points to dark web posts offering to sell "USA President secret" and "Biden laptop HDD copy" for $5,000 in cryptocurrency. If genuine, how damning can the secrets be that they are worth a meagre $5,000?
"Harry & Meghan Hated in Hollywood!" The royal renegades have won lucrative deals with Netflix, Spotify and various publishers, allegedly without doing much for it, and now resentment is supposedly mounting in Hollywood as they "sink to the D-List!" And all because they weren't invited to Barack Obama's "superspreader" 60th birthday party earlier this month.
"Brazen Barack Branded Covid Superspreader!" The former president's 60th birthday party attracted numerous guests to three days of celebrations on Martha's Vineyard, but all were tested for Covid in advance, and observed Covid protocols under the watch of a coronavirus coordinator. Nobody who attended the party is known to have tested positive for the virus, but the 'Globe' nonetheless reports that Martha's Vineyard has seen a spike in infections – therefore Obama must be to blame. Local health authorities say "it's impossible for us to know at this point" whether Obama's party caused even a single case of coronavirus on the island, but the 'Globe' continues to call Obama "Public Enemy No.1 for his shocking behavior."
"Why Did A Devoted Dad Kill His Two Young Children?" asks the cover story
The answer appears to be: He was a QAnon supporter. Isn't that evidence enough of mental unbalance? Arrested for killing his children, Matthew Coleman told investigators that "his children had serpent DNA and that killing them was the only way to save the world." If you believe that Hollywood and the Democrats run child sex rings and kill infants to drink their blood, perhaps it's not so far-fetched to imagine that your own children are carrying serpent DNA.
"Val Kilmer: I wasn't ready to die." Is anyone? As if he had a choice in the matter.
"Crisis in Afghanistan: We Thought We Had More Time," says one evacuee. Think again.
"Escape From Scientology," proclaims the cover story. Actress Laura Prepon recently revealed that she left the cult five years ago, and other adherents have jumped ship including Lisa Marie Presley, Leah Remini, Katie Holmes and Jason Lee – all departing several years ago. So apparently the church hasn't had any major Hollywood defections in years, but that doesn't stop 'Us' declaring: "A Church in Crisis," even though the cult still has its star names including Tom Cruise, John Travolta and KirstieAlley.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us' mag to tell us that Gayle King wore it best (what the hell were Kelly Clarkson and Amber Tamblyn even thinking?), that 'Schitt's Creek' alum Emily Hampshire suffers from "misophonia. If you eat with your mouth open, I might have to murder you!" and that the stars are just like us: they feed the meter, hunt for their keys, carry two drinks at once, and "find it hard to walk in snorkeling fins." Exhilarating, as ever.
Onwards and downwards . . .