International politics once again dominates the tabloids this week – and they wonder why circulations are falling. With coronavirus still raging it seems that Hollywood celebrities aren't getting out and about to create enough scandals, forcing the supermarket rags to go fishing in the swampy waters of Washington, D.C. It's not pretty.
"Biden's Secret Breakdown!" screams the cover story. "Bizarre behavior & laughing fits! Fears dementia is causing blunders! Real reason Joe goes into hiding!"
So which is it – a nervous breakdown or dementia? The 'Enquirer' can't seem to make up its mind.
Regular rent-a-quote shrink Dr Carole Lieberman claims that Biden's management of the military withdrawal from Afghanistan, problems at the Mexican border, and the ongoing Covid crisis "shows he is losing his grip mentally," despite the fact that those are political, not mental, issues. But she's a psychiatrist, so she must know what she's talking about.
Favored' rent-a-quote "international terror expert" Dr Jim Garrow claims that Biden goes to Camp David "to hide the signs of dementia." Because the psychically-gifted Dr Garrow apparently can clearly see what Biden does behind Camp David's locked doors. So what about all the other presidents who have visited Camp David in the past – were they also hiding their dementia? That could explain a lot.
Country singer Loretta Lynn, who the tabloids have killed off in the past and who is repeatedly given "three months to live" but keeps on going, is the subject of this week's 'Enquirer' drama: "Loretta Cheats Death!"
Lynn "escaped with her life after a raging flood swept through her Tennessee property," the 'Enquirer' claims. A flash flood did tragically take the life of her ranch foreman, but unsurprisingly Lynn wasn't killed in the flood, because as the 'Enquirer' later explains: "The 89-year-old country legend lives in a house on higher ground and suffered no injuries." Are you really cheating death when it doesn't come near you?
It wouldn't be a week in the tabloids without a story about Angelina Jolie, and this week the 'Enquirer' bring us "Scary-Skinny Angie's Mystery Hospital Stay."
Jolie, who has reportedly "shrunk to a skeletal 101 pounds" – which is actually an increase from the 97 pounds the tabloid previously said she weighed – made a "mysterious hospital visit" lasting six hours, which "set off serious alarm bells."
But the only alarm bells to be heard were in the offices of the 'Enquirer,' which clearly has no idea what went on behind hospital doors, and admits: "The hope is that she was there for a routine checkup." Sure, that's what they're hoping for. Maybe if Jolie phoned the 'Enquirer' every timeb she made a doctor's appointment and explained why she was going, there would be fewer "mystery" medical stories to report.
"US Covering Up China Covid Leak." After an American intelligence report on the origins of coronavirus proved inconclusive, the 'Enquirer' reaches the only conclusion a right-thinking conspiracy theorist could reach: "the report is a "whitewash" and "a cover-up!" Right.
For in-depth geopolitical analysis and ground-breaking investigative reporting, you can always rely on the 'Globe' to raise your hopes and then let you down.
"Saudi Royals Paid for 9/11 Terror!" screams the cover story on an allegation that's been made many times before – but this time the 'Globe' has proof! Or do they?
The story claims to emanate from "government intelligence files leaked on the 20th anniversary" of 9/11. But no such leaks appear to have emerged in recent months, and the "exhaustive 'Globe' investigation" fails to mention a single piece of information arising from these supposed intelligence reports.
Instead, the 'Globe' cites conspiracy theorists and lawsuits by the families of victims of the 9/11 attacks who are seeking information about suspected Saudi involvement, but have no proof of it.
The 9/11 Commission reported in July 2004 that it found "no evidence of the Saudi government as an institution or senior Saudi officials" funding Al Qaeda, though the report "identifies Saudi Arabia as the primary source" of Al Qaeda funding.
The key source of their information appears to be Daniel Hopsicker, author of the 2015 book 'Welcome to Terrorland,' which claimed that the flight school where the 9/11 terrorists trained and the entire attack on the World Trade Center was a CIA conspiracy. And if that's not an unimpeachable source, who can the 'Globe' trust?
"Queen, 95, Suing Harry & Meghan Over Cruel Lies!" No, she isn't – but the threat is there, as the Queen has indeed asked a team of lawyers to take action if libeled in public. The 'Globe' reports on this with the restrained headline: "Release The Kraken!" No sensationalizing there.
"Andrew Cuomo's Whoppers Exposed! Ousted governor flunks lie test on sex harassment." It's possible that Cuomo may not be telling the entire truth when questioned about the 11 women accusing him of sexual harassment, but the 'Globe' bases its story on a "voice stress analyst" who has not sat down with Cuomo to test him. Perhaps that's the latest in scientific protocols for accurate voice stress testing?
"Prince Harry & Meghan Are Pathetic Posers." The 'Globe' "Opinion Page" – as if every page in the 'Globe' isn't an opinion page – attacks the runaway royals as "spoiled brat hypocrites . . . self-proclaimed experts on everything . . . who never broke a sweat but declared they need a five-month maternity leave from their celebrity jobs." I don't think the 'Globe' has thought this through: that's the sort of OpEd piece that could stop Harry and Meghan from speaking to the 'Globe' again in the future.
Keeping to the theme of the 9/11 tragedy, 'People' magazine brings us its cover story with the feel-good follow-up: "The Children of 9/11. 20 years later – Hope & Healing."
Not as dramatic as 'Children of the Corn,' admittedly, but typically heart-tugging as four teens, "not yet born when their fathers were killed in the terror attacks," explain how it's possible to miss someone you've never met.
"The Duggars – A Family Fractured." Shocking. Never saw that coming. "We're on a journey toward healing," said Jill Dugger Dillard, employing fluent 'People'-speak as Josh Duggar remained under home confinement while awaiting trial on child-porn charges, splitting the made-for-TV family and challenging their "deep Christian faith."
"Trapped in Kanye's Hell," declares the cover story featuring Kim Kardashian. "Why Kim Can't Break Free." Evidently being a billionaire cosmetics mogul, fashion magnate and one of the world's biggest influencers isn't all it's cracked up to be, and you'd be forgiven for thinking that Kanye West has his wife chained up in a cellar. Not exactly.
Kanye and Kim called it quits in February, but she appeared last week at Kanye's latest album release party in Chicago, sparking rumors of a reconciliation. "Kanye is in the process of trying to persuade Kim to get back together," says an unnamed insider. Yet the report makes crystal clear that Kim is trapped in the marriage by nothing other than her own emotional attachment to Kanye, and fails to explain why Kanye is living in "Hell" – unless he's renting digs in the Michigan town of that name.
Fortunately we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Kylie Jenner wore it best (doesn't she always?), that 'Jay and SIlent Bob' star Jason Mewes' "favorite meal is pork roll, egg and cheese," and that the stars are just like us: "They pay for parking!" At the beach "They bring their own chair!" And unbelievably, "They carry their belongings!" No wonder 'Us Weekly' throws exclamation points behind those amazing celebrity achievements.
Onwards and downwards . . .