Prince Andrew's Russian blackmail, Hunter Biden's $150B scandal, and the Lock Ness monster, in this week's dubious tabloids

'National Enquirer'

Billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's sex scandal continues to dominate, claiming four pages inside the 'Enquirer; and the cover story: "Epstein Cover-Up! Prince Andrew Russian Blackmail Terror. Bill Gates Flunks Lie Test Over Ties To Evil Monster!"

"Top British intelligence officials believe Prince Andrew was targeted for blackmail by Russian spymasters over shady arms deals and his connection with American pedophile Jeffrey Epstein," claim unnamed sources.

Could one of those sources possibly be 'The Times' of London from September 21, 2019, which reported back then: "British intelligence chiefs are concerned that Russia may have obtained kompromat, compromising material, on Prince Andrew over the Jeffrey Epstein scandal"?

Or could the 'Enquirer' have forgotten that publishing stablemate the 'Globe' claimed in June 2020 that Prince Andrew had already paid $15 million in blackmail to Epstein to protect his reputation?

As for Bill Gates allegedly flunking a lie detector test while being questioned about Epstein: it didn't happen. Gates wasn't hooked up to a polygraph machine – equipment that has a dubious record of accuracy and isn't admissible evidence in many courts – while being interviewed last month on 'PBS NewsHour.' But that didn't stop the 'Enquirer' from running that interview through a voice stress analysis device – distinctly dubious pseudoscience – allowing a "voice stress analyst" to tell the 'Enquirer': "he was telling lies!" Can't argue with science.

"Meghan's Baby Fat Fiasco! Weird wardrobe can't hide shocking weight gain."

The Duchess of Sussex's alleged "shocking weight gain" is apparently a result of accumulating pounds during pregnancy and losing weight slowly since daughter Lilibet's birth in June. The 'Enquirer' evidently believes that Meghan should by now have dropped the 63 pregnancy pounds it claims she gained, and is offended that she wore unseasonal coats on a recent visit to sunny New York, allegedly to hide her bulging figure and con the public. The misogynistic 'Enquirer' evidently has no qualms about fat-shaming a new mother, and assume that the public will accept nothing less than a rail-thin royal.

"Royal Hypocrites Parade Luxury On NY Visit." Prince Harry and Meghan are excoriated for advocating an end to poverty and then flying on a private jet, rolling around Manhattan in "a convoy of gas-guzzling vehicles," and for the Duchess wearing expensive "high-end fashion" along with an alleged $387,000 worth of jewels. Presumably they would rather see the Royal couple wearing Old Navy sweatpants and Hanes t-shirts, driving around town in a Kia, and returning to California flying coach on JetBlue.


"Chris Cuomo Sex Scandal Explodes!" screams the cover story, coming just months after his big brother Andrew Cuomo was ousted as New York's Governor amid a torrent of sexual abuse allegations.

CNN anchor Chris's former boss at ABC's 'Primetime Live,' Shelley Ross, claimed recently in a 'New York Times' op-ed piece that in 2005 Chris Cuomo put his hand on her butt at a New York bar. She claims that an hour later Cuomo sent her an email apologizing for his behavior, which sounds like pretty speedy contrition and recognition that he acted inappropriately.

"If more accusers come forward his goose could be cooked," gasps the rag. But more accusers haven't come forward – yet – with allegations of sexual impropriety, though Melanie Buck, who departed as producer of his current show 'Cuomo Prime Time' in 2020, has claimed that she left the program as the duo "clashed over significant differences." That hardly seems to justify the cover headline claiming Cuomo's "Sex Scandal Explodes!"

"Hunter Biden $150B Blood Money Scandal!" The 'Globe' lifts this report from 'Business Insider,' adding inch-high headlines and a lavish profusion of exclamation points. 'Business Insider' recently uncovered emails – yet to be authenticated – from two mid-level Democratic donors indicating that Hunter Biden offered to act as a fixer in a bid to free up to $150 billion in frozen Libyan assets in 2015 while his father Joe was Obama's vice president. The deal never happened, Hunter broke no laws, and there is no indication that Joe Biden was aware of his son's potential involvement in the scheme.

"Loch Ness Monster Caught On Camera!" And they have the photo to prove it. Or do they?

A creature that "resembled a plesiosaur, a sea dinosaur that grew as large as 50 feet long," was allegedly caught on a drone video. Or it could have been a log, or a piece of industrial debris, or Jimmy Hoffa's body wrapped in a large rug. Yeah, it was probably Jimmy Hoffa.

"Romancing the Stone! Monaco's smitten prince plays with Sharon while wife's 5,000 miles away." Yes, Prince Albert did appear to have his hand rather low on Sharon Stone's derriere when photographed together at a gala event in Monaco last month, but that doesn't make them anything more than friends, and Albert insists that his wife Charlene – allegedly marooned in South Africa for months because of health issues – will return to the principality soon.


It's the Britney/Brittany issue.

"What Really Happened To Brittany Murphy?" asks the cover story. "Chilling New Details." Yes, there are new details about the actress's death, but they mostly relate to Murphy's husband Simon Monjack's former fiancée Elizabeth Ragsdale, who calls Monjack a serial liar who abandoned her when she was pregnant with his child. Why is this story running 13 years after Murphy's death from pneumonia? Credit a new HBO Max documentary, 'What Happened, Brittany Murphy?' which airs on October 14. Monjack was allegedly a fabulist and a control freak who dominated Murphy – but that doesn't quite explain why he then mysteriously died of pneumonia himself just five months after his wife.

"Britney Spears – Taking Control of Her Future." No, she's not. After years of fighting she has managed to finally oust her father Jamie Spears from control of her conservatorship, only to exchange him for another conservator. Much as she'd like it, she still has no control of her future.

'Us Weekly'

British royalty continues to sell magazines, judging by their dominance on covers, including this week's 'People' mag, reporting on "Kate's Royal Makeover – Just Like Diana!"

She wears one glittering golden gown, and suddenly Duchess Kate is Princess Diana?

"She's showing the world that she's a queen in the making," says an unnamed insider, who apparently hasn't looked at what Her Majesty the Queen actually wears these days. Hollywood glamor it ain't.

Kate has allegedly overcome the initial anxiety she felt amid the Royal Family, learned to cope with constant scrutiny of her weight and appearance, and has never lost her "sense of duty and gratitude over leading this fairy-tale life." It was a gold dress, for cryin' out loud, not a manifesto for world peace.

'Us Weekly' reveals how Harry and Meghan are faring with their newborn, with its story: "Life With Lili."

"She's beautiful," said Meghan recently, which is all the insight we're going to get into life with Lilibet. "They feel more like a family now," says an unnamed but equally unilluminating source. Prince Harry allegedly "just adores Lili and loves reading her bedtime stories and rocking her to sleep. He has a real magic touch." Reading bedtime stories to a four-month-old? Really?

Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Rhianna wore it best, that actress-model Yaya DaCosta has "studied various modalities: the Akashic records, Kundalini yoga, Buddhism and Ifå," and that the stars are just like us: they run errands, get take-out, shop for pumpkins, and take vacation selfies. Is there anything more humbling that seeing Miles Teller strap on his seatbelt before driving away from his West Hollywood gym after a workout? It just makes life worthwhile, which is no doubt the raison d'être for the tabloids.

Onwards and downwards . . .