"Why COVID shots don't work!" screams the scare-mongering cover story. "2,675 fully vaccinated Americans have died!"
The 'Enquirer' fails to mention that most of those deaths were people with underlying medical conditions. or that millions of vaccinated Americans have avoided hospitalization and death thanks to the shot.
"Britney Planning $1M Freedom Bash!" Don't bet on it. Singer Britney Spears is supposedly planning a lavish bash to celebrate her father's removal as her court-ordered co-conservator. But she's still under a conservatorship – are those in charge of her fortune likely to give the okay for her to blow $1 million on a party?
"Daniel Craig's Secret Life. Gay scandal. Shoplifting. Hidden affair." Is it a "secret life" if it's all been reported in the tabloids years ago? Especially if it's not necessarily true.
Craig supposedly was seen in 2010 kissing a man outside a California gay bar – not in itself evidence that he is gay. He could have been playfully friendly, and he recently admitted: "I kiss all my leading men," because it "breaks the ice." Way back in 2006 he admitted to shoplifting as a child. As for Craig's "affair," it was with his now-wife Rachel Weisz: the two fell in love in 2011 while he was engaged to Satsuki Mitchell. All old news – so what's the secret?
"Tom Eats It!" Yes, Tom Cruise looks like he may have gained a few pounds – precisely 20 pounds, claim the Guess-Your-Weight experts at the 'Enquirer.' Supposedly he "keeps feeding his face to soothe his bruised ego since getting the heave-ho from hottie Hayley Atwell." Or might he be gaining weight for a role?
"Goops! Gwyneth Reigns As New Queen of Mean!" Goop insiders allegedly claim "Gwyneth Paltrow is the boss from hell . . . a penny-pinching tyrant who plays favorites with her staff and pushes employees to work long hours while grossly underpaying them."' We've seen these allegations before, and whether true or not, they hardly merit Paltrow being dubbed the "New Queen of Mean," when according to past tabloid stories she has long been the reigning Queen of Mean.
"Proof Pentagon Has UFO Wreckage!" The 'Enquirer' has no concept of what the word "proof" actually means. They have a photo, lifted from a video, of a "sleek, futuristic-looking craft" being transported within defense contractor Lockheed Martin's Helendale Radar Cross Section Facility in California's Mojave desert. This "craft" is vaguely saucer-shaped, so the 'Enquirer' naturally concludes that it has been reverse engineered "based on research gained from studying alien crafts." Or it could just as easily be a shade roofing structure, or a radar component, or any of a thousand things that aren't a spaceship.
"Kelly's Big Manhunt!" Newly-divorced singer Kelly Clarkson is "love-starved" according to the 'Enquirer.' Why do the tabloids assume that every single woman is desperate to find a man?
"Kim Jong-Un Is Dead!" proclaims the front page splash. "Ruthless kid sister stages secret coup!"
The 'Globe' tried this same story more than a year ago, and was met with laughter in official circles. Now that the North Korean dictator appears to have lost a substantial amount of weight, he certainly looks different – thinner, might be the appropriate word – which prompts the 'Globe' to post a photo of the newly-svelte Beloved Leader with the headline: "Replaced by this skinny impostor." But why would Kim's sister Kim Yo-Jong replace her brother with a substitute who looks so very different? It would only make sense if she replaced him with an impostor who looked exactly like the fatter Kim Jong-Un of 2020. That doesn't stop the 'Globe' running a two-page spread under the headline: "Savage Sis Kills Kim Jong-Un!"
"Andrew & Fergie Marrying Again," claims the 'Globe', explaining that in doing so Prince Andrew's ex-wife Fergie will be able to refuse to testify against her husband "at his New York rape trial. " So far it's a civil suit rather than a criminal trial, but better send a wedding gift, just to be safe. The 'Globe' has such faith in this story, they ran it at the back of the book on Page 40, following the graphic story: "Mom Loses Leg After Festering Spider Bite!"
"Jen Aniston Is Back On The Prowl." Why do the tabloids assume that every single woman is desperate to find a man?
"Battered Bubbles Attempted Suicide!" Michael Jackson's former pet chimp, now living comfortably in a Florida primate refuge, allegedly was beaten by the Gloved One and was "so miserable he tried to kill himself!" How does a chimpanzee commit suicide? Pills? Hanging? Slash his wrists? The 'Globe' says: "Details are scanty." Indeed they are.
"Naked Truth About Britney." Spears recently posted a discreetly-edited near-nude photo on social media, which some might see as a declaration of her newly-won freedom from her father's conservatorship. Not the 'Globe,' which enlists a psychiatrist who has never met Spears to call the photo "the act of an unhinged and desperate woman crying for attention." Right.
"Katie Couric Tells All," is this week's cover story. She talks about sexism in American TV news, her teenage struggles with bulimia, and her late husband's cancer death. But when it comes to talking about what she knew of former 'Today' co-anchor Matt Lauer's sexually predatory behaviour, she insists: "I never felt he was pervy or inappropriate in my presence, ever." Which isn't to say Couric wasn't aware of Lauer's abusive mistreatment of women when she wasn't around.
"Adele's Brutally Honest Tell-All," proclaims the cover story about yet another newly-divorced singing star. "Surviving Two Years of Hell." Sadly, the brutally honest tell-all appeared in 'Vogue' magazine. 'Us Weekly' lifts a few quotes, and then cites unnamed sources who offer such insightful inside information as: "She's really begun to focus on her own happiness." Priceless.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Tinashe wore it best, that model Chanel Iman reveals "some designers glue their model's feet into their shoes so they don't slip off on the runway!" (but how do they ever get them off?), and that the stars are just like us: they take out the trash, take tourist photos, and use umbrellas to "try to stay dry." How would we ever know that the stars did such things if 'Us Weekly' wasn't there to keep us informed?
Onwards and downwards . . .