"Bill Gates' Showdown With Ex-Wife!" screams the cover. "Disaster At Daughter's $2M Wedding!" Well, not quite.
The story purports to tell of a horrific clash between Bill Gates and ex-wife Melinda at their daughter's nuptials, especially after the Microsoft founder was hit with yet another allegation of making sexually inappropriate advances to an employee. But there's nothing to the alleged clash. The rag's own source says the couple were "civil but frosty," and that "they kept to their respective sets of friends" and were "cordial with each other in public." Oh, the horror.
"Coincidence – Or Too Convenient? Brian's Parents Join Hunt & Body Found!" The body of Brian Laundrie, suspected in the murder of his girlfriend Gabby Petito, was found on the day his parents joined the search party – therefore they must have known their son's body was laying there in the wilderness? How would that have worked, exactly? Did they know he was laying there decomposing, or did they move his body and plant it there? Or could the 'Enquirer' be grasping at straws?
"Angie Wastes Away! Skeletal star scaring pals, risking health." The 'Enquirer' claims that Angelina Jolie has dropped to 98 pounds – even though they reckoned she was 93 pounds more than a year ago. Her slender frame "puts her in danger of the crippling bone disease osteoporosis and potentially fatal cardiac problems," says the ever-optimistic medically-trained 'Enquirer' editorial team.
"Last Call For Liz!" That's Queen Elizabeth to you and me. "The queen has been relying on nightly martinis to help her through the lonely evenings without Philip," according to an unidentified palace courtier who apparently has a propensity for midnight phone calls to the 'Enquirer' news desk. "But her physicians have made it clear that needs to stop right now! They know the next drink she has may be the one that ends her long life." When the 'Enquirer' is conjuring up quotes by palace courtiers, someone should tell them that Brits routinely call their medics "doctors," not "physicians."
"Harry & Meghan's Woke Biz Is Wack!" The royal renegades have teamed up with eco-friendly Ethic investment group, but the 'Enquirer' claims that Ethic's holdings include evil empire Facebook, sweatshop-abusing Nike, Uber with its complaints of sexual harassment and discrimination, and fossil fuel companies Hess and Helmerich & Payne. Who expects ethics in banking anyway?
"Lesbian Wedding Splits Kennedy Clan. Hard-liners horrified JFK granddaughter's marrying California cutie." Are they horrified that she's Californian, or that she's cute?
Caroline Kennedy's daughter Rose Kennedy Schlossberg is reportedly poised to wed California restaurateur Rory McAuliffe, and an unnamed source says: "She's already like part of the family and has been for years." So where's the conflict? The 'Enquirer' quotes the late Jacqueline Kennedy saying in 1963, on seeing the first lady of South Vietnam and US congresswoman Clare Boothe Luce: "I wouldn't be surprised if they were lesbians." And that's the extent of the homophobia displayed by the Kennedy clan "hard-liners," it would seem.
Has any Kennedy family member made a criticism of Rose's impending wedding in the past 58 years? Not that the 'Enquirer' can find. The whole story is just a homophobic dog-whistle.
"Bill Clinton On Brink of Death!" proclaims the cover story. The 'Globe' must have been disappointed to see the former president walk out of hospital under his own steam, after a few days being treated for sepsis. The rag claims he was "just 60 minutes from death." And then he strolled out of hospital, the way one does when returning from the brink. Alleged "life span expert" Dr Gabe Mirkin, who has likely never treated Clinton, estimates that the former president "is down to a skeletal 137 pounds."
"UFO Fired Lasers At US Nuke Missile!" No, it didn't.
Firstly, it wasn't a nuclear missile launched from California's Vandenberg Air Force Base in 1964 – even the 'Globe' story admits "the three-stage missile carried a dummy A-bomb." Secondly, the photo of a flying saucer firing a laser at a missile in mid-air makes you wonder if the words "Photo Dramatization" could have been printed any smaller? And thirdly, the UFO was allegedly filmed circling the missile and firing three beams of light at it while traveling at "an incredible 8,000 mph." What camera technology existed in 1964 to film close-up footage of a missile miles up in the air traveling at 8,000 mph and producing viable images? Maybe the camera crew were using alien technology to capture the close encounter?
"Mick Jagger – Wedding & Baby At 78!" Jagger was seen drinking alone at a bar while on tour, so the 'Globe' concludes that he is lonely after the death of Rolling Stone bandmate Charlie Watts, forcing him to realize that he likes ballerina girlfriend Melanie Hamrick, and therefore "plans to marry her and have another baby!" Because that's how Jagger's mind works – and only the 'Globe' has the sophisticated psychological insight to understand him.
"Harry & Meghan Get Spanked!" Not literally. It's Meghan's father, Tom Markle, calling the couple "childish" and caring only about money. He'd know best, not having spoken to either of them for more than four years.
"Anguish & Outrage" declares the cover story about the death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins while filming the Alec Baldwin movie 'Rust.' "Shocking tragedy on Set."
Alec Baldwin is distraught, cinematographer Hutchins is dead, and the film's crew complain of safety violations. "We'll make sure that nothing like this ever happens again," says a friend. Just like it was said by friends of John Eric Hexum. And Brandon Lee. And Vic Morrow . . .
This week 'People' mag offers readers an alternative cover on some copies: "Angelina Jolie – What My Kids Have Taught Me About Kindness." Whatever her kids know about kindness, they haven't shown much of it to their father, Brad Pitt, who has been ostracized by eldest son Pax, and reportedly hasn't spoke to daughter Shiloh in more than four years. Angie says: "My children's kindness has been very healing to me." But can their kindness heal her impending osteoporosis?
It's 'People' mag's "Kindness Issue," featuring a slew of celebrities – rapper/actor Common, Uzo Aduba, Padma Lakshmi, Kristin Chenoweth – and non-pro civilians who are "lighting the way" for others with kindness. Yet another aspirational issue designed to make readers feel hopelessly inadequate.
"Queen's Final Days" laments the cover story. "Battle for the throne – William makes his move." No, he doesn't. The only move that Prince William can make is to kill his father, Prince Charles, and then kill the Queen or force her to abdicate. Otherwise he's stuck waiting for the Queen and Charles to die, while living with the reality of the 1701 Act of Settlement that demands that the royal succession pass from the Queen to her eldest male heir, which would be Charles.
As for the Queen's final days, the tabloids have been regularly predicting her imminent demise for more than a decade, and they've been wrong every time so far. At 95 years old she's going to prove them right one of these days, of course, but she's shown a propensity for doggedly hanging on. "Charles is next in line," concedes 'Us Weekly,' "but there are whispers that William is making his move." Let's see how that works out, shall we?
"Alec Baldwin – Haunted by Tragedy." It's the subject everyone in Hollywood is talking about: the terrible and needless death of a cinematographer. And 'Us Weekly' gives it one full paragraph tucked into the corner of a page, noting that Alec Baldwin, who pulled the fatal trigger, is "overcome with grief," while suffering "shame and depression." That about covers it. Who needs a second paragraph after that?
Elsewhere on the tabloid newsstand
'In Touch' magazine's cover story reveals "Alec Baldwin's Worst Nightmare – 18 Months In Prison!" But wouldn't the actor be more terrified of ten years in prison? Or life without parole? What about being buried alive? Or being eaten by rats? If Alec Baldwin's worst nightmare is truly 18 months in prison, he's sorely lacking in imagination. Or maybe it's 'In Touch' mag that's imaginatively challenged.
Duchess Kate is this week's cover girl in 'OK!' magazine, with its headline: "Baby No.4 On The Way." That's been reported numerous times before, and always proved wrong. It seems highly unlikely that Kate would give such news exclusively to OK! mag, but maybe that's what happens when she's blindsided by morning sickness and mis-dials her phone. Let's watch this space.
Onwards and downwards . . .