"Why Biden's Asleep At The Wheel!" screams this week's cover.
Yes, the president appeared to fall asleep at the recent COP26 climate summit, though in all fairness he could have been listening attentively with his eyes shut. Always rushing to judgement, the 'Enquirer' sees this as a sign of a "Dangerous New Health Crisis!" Joe Biden is allegedly "confused by his own plan to pay illegals millions!" and his "blundering Oval Office is out of control!" Coupled with reports that he broke wind during a meeting with Prince Charles' wife Duchess Camilla, and suggestions that he is forgetful, a doctor who has not treated Biden says definitively: "It all points to cognitive decline and perhaps even the early stages of dementia." Whereas Trump suggesting injections of bleach and exhibiting signs of narcissistic megalomania were evidence of his fitness for another four years in office?
"Texas Hunk Exposes All Meghan's Lies! What Harry doesn't want to hear."
It's interesting that when Duchess Meghan's former communications chief Jason Knauf reveals evidence that she lied in her court case against British tabloid The Mail on Sunday, he's described as a "Texas Hunk," as if that's the most important feature about him. A "high-level palace courtier" who naturally goes unnamed says of the Royal Family: "I can't say they have any sympathy for Meghan apparently being unmasked as a liar." And what is it that Harry doesn't want to hear? We never find out.
The tabloids are back at their favorite pastime of body-shaming again.
"Beached-Whale Watch For 'Baywatch' Pam!"
Former 'Baywatch' actress Pamela Anderson has allegedly "packed on nearly 30 pounds," prompting the tabloid's scorn, and a source who claims that after marrying husband No. 5 last December "She's spent most of her time eating her sorrows away!" What sorrows? They don't bother to explain.
"Tubby Times For Alec!"
Alec Baldwin might have other things on his mind, like the fact that he pulled the trigger that killed his cinematographer on the movie 'Rust,' and that as one of the film's producers he could be criminally and civilly liable, but the 'Enquirer' focuses on the really important issue confronting the actor: "Baldwin's big belly more than his wife can swallow." Right. Figuratively speaking, one hopes.
"Ghislaine Jurors Spill Sex Secrets!"
Not exactly. Potential jurors in the trial of the late millionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's right-hand woman Ghislaine Maxwell are being asked in a questionnaire at what age they believe people can give consent to sex, and if they or any family members had ever experienced or been accused of sexual abuse.
"Angelina Douses 'Eternal' Flame!"
After Marvel's latest superhero outing 'Eternals' disappointed at the box office, the 'Enquirer' claims that "friends and fans fear the Oscar winner's career may be kaput!" It's hardly likely that Angelina Jolie's friends think that, and she would care more about what studio chiefs think. Jolie was just part of a large ensemble cast in 'Eternals,' didn't carry the movie, and nobody in Hollywood is counting her out yet.
"Ghislaine Maxwell Guilty As Sin!" proclaims the cover.
Who says so? "Maxwell's accusers," reveals the 'Globe,' which perhaps doesn't quite understand the concept of proving guilt or innocence in a court of law. "Former child slaves deliver their verdict: GUILTY!" proclaims the rag. Why bother with a trial then?
"Booty & The Beach."
The tabloids' obsession with celebrity weight continues, as bikini-clad singer Camilla Cabello is photographed at the shore, and the health-conscious 'Globe' helpfully tells readers "she's still got a tubby tummy and a colossal caboose!"
"Between Rock & A Lard Place."
Feuding with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, his 'Fast & Furious' co-star Vin Diesel is reportedly now "dumpy," "flabby," and "has literally gone to pot!" Proving that the 'Globe' doesn't know the meaning of the word "literally," and that it is willing to go to any lengths for a headline pun.
"Queen's Grudge Against Charles 'Wicked' Wife!"
Hold the front page! The 'Globe' revives the decades-old story that the Queen still hasn't forgiven Camilla Parker-Bowles for being the catalyst behind Charles' divorce from Princess Diana. An unidentified "high-ranking courtier" says that despite making peace in public, the Queen probably still sees Camilla "as a tawdry temptress." Sounds just like the language the Queen would use.
"Gasbag Camilla Spills Beans on Biden's Toots!"
Retelling the story of Joe Biden's alleged crime of breaking wind in public, the 'Globe' notes that Camilla's son Tom Parker-Bowles allegedly revealed that his mother also suffers from chronic flatulence. This story's so full of hot air.
"Air Force Nuked Carolina Farm!"
Except they didn't. The 'Globe' claims that the US Air Force accidentally dropped a bomb "that was ten times more powerful than the A-bomb that destroyed Hiroshima." Except it wasn't. When the bomb fell in rural South Carolina in 1958 – yes, it's a 66-year-old story masquerading as news – it carried an explosive charge but the bomb's atomic core had been removed, so it wasn't a nuclear bomb at all. It was certainly a gargantuan screw-up, which left a crater on a farm, but not Hiroshima ten-fold, or we probably would have noticed.
"Tori Boots Bottom Line!"
Actress Tori Spelling has allegedly spent $7,000 on a "non-surgical butt lift," whatever that is, supposedly in preparation for a return to the dating scene amid a "marriage crisis." Right.
There are two alternate covers this week, depending on what newsstand you frequent.
"Iman Remembers David Bowie – Our Untold Love Story," declares one of the covers.
Five years after the singer's death, Iman reveals: "He was my soulmate." Who would have guessed? She has created her first cologne, 'Love Memoir,' (exclusively available at hsn.com) as a tribute to their "epic romance." Certainly not to cash in, oh no. Never let it be said.
The rival cover brings us a less-heartwarming tale: "Murder In Paradise?"
Texan firefighter Elijah Snow 'turned up dead' while on vacation in Cancun, Mexico, and wife Jamie "suspects it wasn't an accident." She left him drinking at the hotel bar one night, and the next morning his body was found squeezed into a small ventilation window of the restroom at a neighboring hotel. You know, the way it so often happens. Police decided he'd tried to climb out of the bathroom window, got stuck and asphyxiated. Unsurprisingly, his family and friends suspect foul play.
"What's Next for a Free Britney?"
Rid of her court-ordered conservatorship after 13 years, singer Britney Spears is reportedly planning her wedding to fiancé Sam Ashgari and contemplating a return to music. Now we can see how well she can screw up on her own.
"What's Next For Britney" asks the cover story, though 'Us Weekly' evidently can't afford to add a question mark at the end of this sentence.
Britney Spears is allegedly "rushing to wed – with no prenup!" while "trying for baby No.3!" and "telling all in a revenge book deal!" She's also calling for her father, Jamie Spears, to be investigated for his mismanagement of her conservatorship, telling the judge: "anyone involved in this . . . should be in jail." She's not too happy with her mother, Lynne, either, saying: "She secretly ruined my life."
"Meghan & Harry – Royal Trial of the Century!"
After Duchess Meghan was exposed by London's Court of Appeal for lying in her lawsuit against British national newspaper The Mail on Sunday, 'Us Weekly' unhelpfully adds: "The War Rages On." Because that's what happens when a legal case in ongoing. If it's the "Royal trial of the century" that's only because Britain's Royal Family rarely ever takes a case to trial.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Justine Skye wore it best, that activist and author Katherine Schwarzenegger will "order off the children's menu when I go out to dinner," and that the stars are just like us: they shop in grocery stores, drink shots, and throw away the trash (thank you, Jennifer Garner, for being a good global citizen and tossing your used coffee cup into a nearby bin.)
In other tabloids:
'In Touch' mag returns to the 25-year-old slaying of prepubescent pageant queen Jon Benet Ramsey with its cover story: "Murder Cover-Up Bombshell!" Just like every other cover-up bombshell claimed since her unsolved killing.
"Tori Spelling Storms Out – Divorce!" screams the headline of 'Ok!' magazine, reporting that the actress and her husband are engaged in the "fight to end all fights!" Perhaps they were arguing over the cost of her non-surgical butt-lift?
'Life & Style' mag brings together three celebrities who you might think have little in common: Prince Harry, Tom Brady and Keith Urban. Yet here they are, united on the cover under the headline: "Hollywood's Most Henpecked Husbands!" They must be so proud.
Onwards and downwards . . .