"America In Total Chaos!" screams the cover story. Sorry, I must have missed the madness and mayhem – it looks quiet as usual outside my front door.
"Joe Biden's Inflation Disaster Exposed!"
Ah, that's the chaos, apparently. Just the sort of in-depth economic analysis 'Enquirer' readers love.
"Biden blunders blamed for empty food shelves, gas crisis & cash chaos."
Of course he's blamed for that. Just like President Trump was to blame for empty shelves, shuttered shops and empty restaurants in early 2020. Or could Covid-19 have had something to do with both situations?
"Demi's Big Fat Problem!"
Demi Lovato has reportedly gained weight. Enough weight to make the 'Enquirer' sit up and notice, apparently. She's allegedly 181 pounds, and the 'Enquirer' would know because they have a spy camera planted in her bathroom scales, so they couldn't possibly be wrong. Just another sign of the chaos that's plaguing America.
"Fears Skinny Celine Hanging By a Thread!"
Maybe Demi and Celine Dion should share their meals, and they'd both be healthier. The perennially-thin singer is apparently still thin, but that worries editors at the 'Enquirer,' who know that America would be less chaotic if everyone were the same healthy weight.
"Geez Geena! The Lady vanishes."
The 'Enquirer' is really digging deep into personal attacks on celebrity weight this week. A recent photo of Geena Davis allegedly makes her look "shockingly skeletal." The weight-obsessed rag also tells us this week that "chunky" comic Amy Schumer has allegedly had "liposuction."
"Harry & Meghan's Cruel Cop-Out!"
Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan have allegedly "sunk to 'disgusting' emotional blackmail' by refusing to take their two children to England unless the Queen pays for their personal security team. At least they're not too fat or too thin.
"Prince Andrew Romanced Pervy Ghislaine!"
Ghislaine Maxwell's former college classmate Euan Rellie says: "I got the sense Prince Andrew and Ghislaine had probably been girlfriend and boyfriend in the past." Apparently having a feeling that something probably happened passes for facts these days.
"Brad's Shacks Are The Pitts!"
Brad Pitt's 'Make It Right Foundation' is being criticized for erecting homes for 2005 victims of Hurricane Katrina that are subpar. No good deed goes unpunished.
"Shock therapy Nightmare For Monaco Prince's Troublesome WIfe."
Surely that should be "Troubled Wife"? But of course the 'Enquirer' doesn't actually say that Princess Charlene has had electric shock treatment, or is even going too get it. There are just unnamed "sources" who allegedly "fear her playboy hubby, Albert, will okay mind-erasing therapy to protect royal secrets!" Right.
His sex trial hasn't even begun, but the 'Globe' already has the verdict with its cover story declaring: "Prince Andrew Guilty!"
Yes, he is categorically guilty, says the magazine – he's "guilty of breaking his mother's heart," according to an unidentified "high-level staffer."
It's astonishing how the 'Globe' always finds "senior palace sources" and "high-level courtiers" who speak perfect tabloidese.
Andrew is facing trial for sexual assault in a civil suit filed by billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's confessed former sex slave Virginia Giuffre, but the 'Globe' source says that the Queen's "decision to cast him out of the royal circle is the most damning verdict of all".
"Guilty Andrew Suffers Nervous Breakdown! Screaming rages & bitter tears after clash with queen over rape trial disaster." Is that really any different from his usual behaviour? High-level courtiers want to know.
Naturally, Andrew's problem "has the monarchy teetering on the brink of disaster," according to "senior palace sources." Sure.
"Lovelorn Tom Crushing On Angelina!"
He may be a Scientologist, but surely Tom Cruise isn't really that stupid, is he?
"High-Handed Harry Demands British Police Protection! Humiliates royals by suing government to get his way." Sounds about right.
"Lean Remini: Scientology Kept Me Dumb."
Doesn't that imply that she admits being dumb to begin with, and only blames the cult for keeping her that way?
"Nicole & Keith Didn't Finish High School!"
Talk about dumb. Clearly that's what's held back Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban from finding success in life.
"Ben Affleck Hopelessly Henpecked! Terrified he'll lose bossy J.Lo."
The 'Globe' seems to think that in any loving relationship where a man does whatever he can to keep his partner happy, he must be suffering under her tongue-lashing.
"What's Really Wrong With Celine Dion? 100-lb. songbird urged to get rehab after canceling tour."
Only last April the 'Globe' claimed Dion was down to 95 lbs, so she appears to have gained five pounds since then. Some magazines are never happy.
Courtney Cox dominates the cover, under the headline: "Life, Love & What I've Learned."
I think 'People' magazine must save a fortune by reusing this headline every other week, and simply changing out the celebrity name each time. "I've always stayed true to myself," Cox says, explaining everything.
"Eva Mendes & Ryan Gosling: Under Pressure" declares the cover.
Well if they weren't under pressure before, they will be once they read this article about "the HUGE decision that could BREAK them." They've sold their Los Angeles home and are reportedly looking for somewhere more rural and private. An unnamed "insider" says: "Everyone's hoping a change of scenery will do them a world of good." Yes, running away always solves every problem.
"Priyanka & Nick – Why They Kept Baby A Secret."
Could it be because the surrogate birth of a child to Chopra and Jonas is nobody's business but their own?
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Eiza Gonzalez wore it best, that David Arquette owns the rights to "Bozo the Clown," and that the stars are just like us: they buy groceries, flowers and snacks, exercise, play Sudoku, and fire up the BBQ. And clearly have to dress up and put on makeup whenever they go to the supermarket, because they never know when paparazzi may be lurking.
Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .
'OK!' Magazine perpetuates the obsession with celebrity avoirdupois, with its cover story: "Princess Kate Hits Back At Weight Shamers – Don't Call Me Skinny!"
So what does 'OK!' mag do? It reports that Kate "shrinks to 95 lbs!" Good listening skills.
'InTouch' sticks with royalty for its cover story: "The Queen Reunites William & Harry! Meghan & Harry Flying to London for Platinum Jubilee."
Really? That would be news to the rest of the Fleet Street royal press pack. And even if Harry and Meghan returned to Britain for the Jubilee – currently up for debate, as Harry demands an armed protection detail that he's no longer entitled to since being stripped of his royal duties – that still wouldn't guarantee that he'd give William the time of day.
Onwards and downwards . . .