"Biden Grand Jury Cover-Up Exposed!" Screams the front page headline. "Truth about Joe & Hunter buried!"
Well, not exactly.
A grand jury's proceedings are, by law, held in secret. There's no cover-up. Only if the grand jury brings an indictment will it then become public.
A grand jury subpoena was issued 17 months before the 2020 election seeking Hunter Biden's dealings with the Bank of China, a detail recently revealed by the "anti-corruption non-profit group Marco Polo."
The 'Enquirer' fails to mention that Marco Polo was founded by former Trump administration official Garrett Ziegler, who is doubtless an impartial seeker-of-truth and warrior against corruption.
"These federal grand jury revelations show how corrupt the Biden family is," says political commentator Naresh Vissa.
No, they don't. An investigation isn't proof of wrong-doing. That's why they have the grand jury: to make the determination, or find no case to answer. Seventeen months later without an indictment, a casual observer might draw a different conclusion than condemning the Bidens for corruption.
It's gratifying to see Republicans supporting the US Attorney for Delaware investigating Hunter Biden's tax affairs, no doubt having learned the error of their ways after previously supporting President Trump's refusal to disclose his own taxes.
"Miss USA Cheslie Was Murdered!"
No, she wasn't. Police believe Cheslie Kryst committed suicide by jumping from the ninth floor of her New York apartment.
"Beauty didn't jump – she was pushed," insists the 'Enquirer.'
No she wasn't, as the 'Enquirer' makes clear in its own story.
When the rag says she was "pushed," they actually mean that "she was pushed into suicide."
They may as well have written that she was "poisoned" by sorrows, "run over by a truck" load of mental troubles, "stabbed to death" by pangs of regret, and "eaten by wolves" of worry.
Getting to the point, the 'Enquirer' claims the 2019 pageant queen "was relentlessly hounded by digital bullies and driven to take her own life!"
They offer no evidence of this, yet claim that's "the conclusion of top mental health experts consulted by the 'National Enquirer.'"
Well, they'd know, wouldn't they.
"Andrew Crushes On Harry & Meghan!"
The 'Enquirer' inexplicably imagines that Royal outcast Prince Andrew, disgraced by his involvement with convicted paedophile billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, is looking for support in his legal battle against rape accuser Virginia Giuffre from Harry and Meghan – equally royal exiles.
Why would he do that?
"If Andrew could team up with Harry and Meghan and pick their brains about law and the way it all works in America, he'd be all over it in a flash," an unnamed source tells the 'Enquirer.'.
Sure – Andrew is paying America's top defence attorneys over $1,000-an-hour for their expertise and guidance, but his problems would all disappear if only Harry and Meghan would share their legal knowledge. Who comes up with this stuff? Is the 'Enquirer' outsourcing its editorial to preschoolers as part of yet another cost-cutting exercise?
"Whoopi Ready To Quit Over 'View' Black Eye."
Is she, though?
"Gwyn's Vagina Candle Takes A Licking!"
No, Gwyneth Paltrow is not really licking her vagina-scented candle. She's nibbling at it – and even then, it's only for laughs in a Super Bowl commercial for delivery service Uber Eats. Warning: Do not try this at home – at least, not when the candle is burning.
"Palace Spy Ring Caught!" Declares this week's cover story. "Queen's inner circle infiltrated! China's brazen plot to destroy monarchy!"
Not exactly. And certainly not a plot to destroy Britain's monarchy. A Chinese spy operation was caught by Britain's MI5 allegedly infiltrating the environmental and conservation group FaithInvest, a charity uniting different religions, that was co-founded in 1995 by the Queen's late husband, Prince Philip.
Alleged Chinese spies did meet once with Philip, in 2017, but they can hardly have expected to use him to buy influence and conduct operations.
How were they going to "destroy the monarchy"? Lure the then-95-year-old Prince with a honeytrap? Bribe the husband of the world's wealthiest woman?
Yet readers of the 'Globe' might think it's the end of the road for the royal family.
"Discovery of the scheme has thrown the palace into chaos," the 'Globe' reports, adding: "everything Queen Elizabeth has worked for could be destroyed."
Everything? I don't know if the 'Globe' can even spell 'hyperbole,' but they certainly embrace it whole-heartedly.
"Aqua man Momoa Moves Into Camper."
Yes, Jason Momoa, newly separated from wife Lisa Bonet, has apparently moved into a luxury RV that costs more than the average American home. Cue the violins.
"Shirley MacLaine Martini Rampage At 87!"
You sip one martini and you're an alcoholic. Sip two, and you're on a rampage!
So it goes in the tabloids, where MacLaine appears to have been caught by paparazzi delicately imbibing a martini while filming a new project: she's in the next season of 'Only Murders In the Building,' and the movie comedy 'American Dreamer.' From the photos it actually looks like she's hard at work, and not on a black-out bender.
"Dwarfs Cut Dinklage Down To Size."
How could the 'Globe' resist this headline after several dwarf actors hit back at the 'Game of Thrones' star Peter Dinklage for condemning Disney's coming live-action reboot of 'Snow White.' Evidently little people who hope to be cast in the movie don't take kindly to Dinklage trying to shame Disney into scrapping the project.
Interesting to note that in the 1937 foreword to 'The Hobbit,' J.R.R. Tolkien wrote: "In English, the only correct plural of 'dwarf' is 'dwarfs.' " Good to see that the 'Globe' wasn't seduced by the lure of "dwarves."
It's Black History month, so 'People' mag celebrates by putting Lionel Richie on its cover with the usual triumph-over-adversity tale: "I Survived It All."
No, he didn't survive the holocaust, a deadly tsunami, earthquakes or wildfire. He wasn't mugged, beaten, shot, kidnapped or left for dead.
But "after a divorce, his father's death and nearly losing his voice, the music superstar reveals how he rediscovered joy and found new purpose."
Why don't celebrities ever get real and put themselves on the cover of 'People' mag when they are depressed, at rock bottom, unloved, refusing to go to rehab, and suicidal?
Black History month also brings us 'People' profiles on Halle Berry, Danny Glover, Harry Belafonte, Donna Summer, Martin Luther King Jr., Bob Marley, Muhammad Ali, Isaac Hayes, Richard Pryor, Whitney Houston, the Jackson family and many more. One suspects that several of these may not be recent interviews.
"Inside Kim Kardashian's House of Horror" promises the cover story.
But when 'Us Weekly' offers to take you "inside" somewhere, you can be pretty sure you're not going anywhere.
"Kim changes the locks & hires 24/7 security," adds a headline on the front page. So now we know for certain that we're not going inside Kim's horror home, where Kanye West is locked out along with us.
"He's forced to deny hiring hitman to kill her," claims the rag.
Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Ciara wore it best (quite an achievement when you're up against Kendall Jenner), that Rick Astley thinks "Rick Rolling is amazing," and that the stars are just like us: they chat on their phones, have pedicures, and go shopping. Who'd have thought it?
Elsewhere in the tabloids:
A famed supermodel and recently retired NFL superstar couple dominate the cover: "Gisele & Tom Brady – $650M Divorce Ultimatum. Fights, Lies & Living Apart! . . . Their amazing lifestyle is a sham!"
Does that mean he didn't really win seven Super Bowls?
'Life & Style'
"Britney's $15 Million Tell-All! Drugs, Affairs & Starting Over" declares the front page.
I don't think 'Life & Style' paid Britney $15 million for her tell-all, so the story doesn't reveal that much after all.
Royal sex scandals never die, as evidenced by this week's cover story: "Devastated Kate – Showdown WIth William's 'Mistress'. Kate Demanded The Truth, Once And For All! Rose Denies affair is ongoing!"
"Rose" is Rose Hanbury, the Marchioness of Cholmondleley and Duchess Kate's erstwhile friend. Like Prince William, she has never stopped so low as to comment on the tongue-wagging of the hoi-polloi, and it seems unlikely she has changed her tune now.
Never a dull moment with the Royal Family.
Onwards and downwards . . .