Kamala Harris may have her detractors, but in the eyes of the 'National Enquirer' she's #1 in at least one questionable category: "Rated Worst Veep in Modern History!"
The cover story brands her "Washington's Queen of Mean!" as she has accumulated enemies along her road to the White House.
Presumably she's the worst Vice President in a history that doesn't include shoot-them-in-the-face Dick Cheney or thick-as-a-brick Dan Quayle, waste-of-space Mike Pence or tricky Richard Nixon.
Harris certainly has a PR issue, having failed to adequately promote her numerous achievements, but the 'Enquirer' claims: "Everyone hates Veep Kamala's guts!"
At least she's not being compared with Vice Presidents John C Calhoun or John C Breckinridge.
"Andrew's Bombshell Sex Tape!"
We've heard this dubious claim about Prince Andrew before, of course. A former employee of convicted billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's claimed that she walked in on him and Ghislaine Maxwell watching a video of Andrew with a topless girl, British national newspaper the Sun reported in July 2020.
London's Daily Mirror reported in January 2015 that cameras were hidden in the walls around Epstein's New York mansion, and sex tapes were likely to have captured Epstein's friends in flagrante delicto.
Here we are again, with the 'Enquirer' citing self-professed "former jewel thief William Steel" – a reliable source if there ever was one – claiming that Epstein showed him Andrew's sex tape featuring a "very young" girl.
Coincidentally, Steel has penned a book: 'Ghislaine: Sensational and Impure.' Impure? Is that the best word of condemnation he could come up with for the convicted sex trafficker, or has he lost his Thesaurus?
"Queen Camilla Is Coming For Harry!"
The tabloids all seem to think that Camilla is already Queen. Camilla is allegedly set to "retaliate" after Harry and Meghan have demeaned and threatened her husband, Prince Charles. "The Sussexes know their fate is sealed," says an unnamed insider, making Camilla sound like the Terminator ready to hunt down Harry and Meghan until the end of all time.
"Kanye Too Cracked To See His Own Kids! Kim fears he's off his meds & off his rocker."
That never stopped him from seeing his kids in the past – why now?
"Adele's Smother Love Sends Beau Howling!"
The "clinging" singer allegedly can't bear to be apart from sports agent boyfriend Rich Paul, who is reportedly growing anxious and wants some "time apart." This is the sort of imminent-break-up report that usually precedes an engagement announcement,.
"New Queen Camilla's Vicious Revenge!" screams the cover story.
Do they really think that Camilla is Queen already? Or, more likely, do they just not care about the facts?
The 'Globe' seems to think that Camilla has turned into the Queen of Hearts, with its headline across a two-page spread: "Off With Their Heads!" Right. Executions all round for anyone who has uttered a bad word about Charles or Camilla.
"Charles' cruel wife leaves Kate in tears!" claims the rag, putting the case that the Duchess of Cambridge is her first victim.
Camilla's apparently already taken action as Queen: "Takes away royal jewels! Slashes cash allowances! Imposes humiliating rules!" This all despite the fact that Queen Elizabeth is still alive and (gently) kicking, that Prince Charles has yet to become King, and that when he does eventually take the throne that Camilla will be Queen Consort in name only, with no executive powers, other than her influence over her husband.
"Kanye West Is A General Pain!"
This is news?
"Hunter Sweats Bullets Over Ex's Tell-All!"
Hunter Biden's own memoir, 'Beautiful Things,' published last September, confessed to his crack addiction, his alcoholism, his affair with his sister-in-law, having guns shoved in his face, and his mother's car-crash death. We've all seen the legal filing by his ex-wife Kathleen Buhle claiming he spent money on prostitutes and strip clubs.
What can Buhle possibly say now in her alleged "tell-all book" that Hunter hasn't already said about himself?
"Angelina Arthritis Nightmare. – Hands are becoming scary claws."
Maybe Angelina Jolie is suffering from arthritis; maybe she isn't. But the photo of her "scary claw" just looks like an ordinary, healthy hand, perhaps a little weathered with age, but hardly something escaped from a Hammer House of Horror movie.
"Coroner Proves Two Shooters Murdered JFK!"
When did coroner Dr Cyril Wecht prove that "accused gunman Lee Harvey Oswald didn't act alone!"?
The claim is made in "an explosive new book," reports the 'Globe.'
But if you keep reading the story, you discover that Dr Wecht first made this claim more than 43 years ago, in 1978. This is what qualifies as "news" in the 'Globe.' And even back then, Hecht didn't have any "proof," but only conjecture that two gunmen had to have Killed JFK.
"Do Ya Think It's Scary? Docs say Rod Stewart is riddled with cancer."
Doctors who have never treated Rod Stewart have been shown a photo of the rocker's face, and conclude that it "shows evidence of skin cancer and radiation scarring." Most doctors who see questionable markings on the skin will request a biopsy, but the 'Globe' medical experts don't need to waste their time with such niceties.
"That's definitely a skin cancer," says New York internist Dr Stuart Fischer, after examining a photo. Can't argue with medical science.
Former supermodel Linda Evangelista is this week's cover girl, beneath the headline: "My Cosmetic Procedure Nightmare."
She displays graphic photos of the hardened lumps that have erupted on her neck, thigh and upper torso as a result of cryogenic fat-freezing gone horribly wrong. We've known for some time about her lawsuit against body-contouring therapy CoolSculpting, but these photos make it clear she's not exaggerating when Evangelista claims to have been "brutally disfigured."
But perhaps she goes too far when she adds: "They said I was unrecognizible, and I didn't disagree." Her figure certainly appears to have become mis-shapen, but there's no mistaking the unique face that graced the cover of 'Vogue' and a thousand fashion runways across the globe.
"I Survived A Serial Killer – One Woman's Terrifying Ordeal."
Kara Robinson was 15 when abducted and raped by a killer who had already murdered three girls. She managed to escape and led police to the predator, who killed himself. Now aged 35, she shares her experience with students, assault victims and law enforcement, in the hope of saving future lives.
"Prince William on Turning 40," declares the cover story. "Feuds, Family & Making Diana Proud."
William sits down for an exclusive interview with 'Us Weekly,' opening his heart to the tabloid.
The rag, which has never spoken with the Prince, nonetheless explains: "Why he will never forgive Harry . . . His affair scandal & promise to Kate . . . What he really thinks about Camilla."
But what's really going on here?
The article doesn't actually say he'll never forgive Harry; only that "he has yet to forgive his brother."
On his alleged "affair" with Rose Hanbury: "William emphatically denied those rumours," and supposedly has vowed "that he'd never stray."
As for Camilla: "William greatly admires Camilla's work ethic and overall dedication to the monarchy." Right. He's probably completely forgiven Camilla for destroying his mother's marriage with an illicit affair.
"Taylor & Joe – Finally Engaged!"
It's still being speculated elsewhere, but 'Us Weekly' isn't hedging its bets, definitively stating that Joe Alwyn has put a ring on Taylor Swift's finger. Time will tell.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Cara Delevigne wore it best, that 'Dancing With The Stars' winner and NBA star Iman Shumpert loves Honey Nut Cheerios, tacos, ginger beer and 'Johnny Bravo' cartoons, and that the stars are just like us: they drive electric cars, enjoy theme park rides, and get their food delivered – unless you're one of the millions who can't afford an electric car, theme park ticket prices, or the luxury of food deliveries, in which case the stars are nothing like you after all.
Elsewhere in the tabloids:
"Mila & Ashton – Pregnant and In Love Again! His tearful promise after cheating scandal."
'Life & Style'
Pamela Anderson: "Divorce, Drugs & That Sex Tape – I've Made A Lot of Mistakes!"
After five broken marriages, that's not an unreasonable conclusion.
"Bob Saget's Death – What Really Happened? He Suffered Catastrophic Head Trauma 'Like From a Baseball Bat'"
What really happened? In Touch doesn't really know, but like any good tabloid they're happy to speculate.
Onwards and downwards . . .