The world's long dark midnight of the soul has ended, as the conflict that had us all mesmerised – no, not Russia's attack on Ukraine – has finally come to a close.
"Harry & Meghan – It's Over!" screams the cover of the 'National Enquirer' " New court papers bare bitter bust-up!"
But like Vladimir Putin's claim that there's no war in Ukraine, only a "special military operation," so this 'Enquirer' headline couldn't be more misleading if it tried. And it's certainly trying very hard.
Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan's marriage is not "over," or anywhere near it, at least if the facts in evidence have anything to do with it. The "bitter bust-up" revealed in court papers refers to the defamation lawsuit filed by Meghan's estranged half-sister Samantha Markle, in which Samantha claims that Meghan lied about having little contact with her half-siblings growing up, and endured financial hardships as a child.
Meghan's lawyers have dismissed the claim, but the 'Enquirer' alleges that Harry is leaving Meghan as a result of their marriage being "torn apart by ugly lies and vicious family feud!"
The duo still appear to be happily united, but the 'Enquirer' insists: "He's going home to Britain and she's keeping the kids!"
Right – if they mean that Harry may take a few days off to visit the Royal Family in the UK, while Meghan stays home to care for non-royal spawn Archie and Lilibet. But of course, the 'Enquirer' views such a brief separation as the start of something more permanent.
An unnamed royal insider allegedly told the 'Enquirer': "Meghan has carefully crafted this victim narrative where Harry can feel like the hero who saved her."
But that's errant nonsense. Meghan, if she ever needed rescuing, clearly saved herself long before meeting Harry, by emerging from a broken home and constrained finances to forge her own acting career and find modest celebrity on TV series 'Suits.' It's only the 'Enquirer' that perpetuates the myth that Harry "saved" Meghan, whereas the reality might be that it was she who saved him from obscurity and obsoleccence within the Royal Family.
'Raging Billfold. Lonely sugar daddy De Niro throws money at new honey."
Movie legend Robert De Niro is criticised by the 'Enquirer' for spending money on his new girlfriend, Tiffany Chen. What's he supposed to do? Make her pay for her meals and split the bill when he gives her gifts?
"Miley Twerks Her Butt Off!"
Is that physically possible?
Singer Miley Cyrus allegedly "fears her flabby rear may leave her younger beau feeling flat" and "wants a Brazilian butt lift," whatever that is, to boost "her droopy derriere."
The 'Enquirer' helpfully displays a photo of the posterior in question, clad only in a dental floss thong bikini bottom, looking neither flat nor flabby. But who are you going to believe: the cosmetic surgeons quoted by the 'Enquirer' who have never treated Cyrus, or the evidence of your own eyes?
"Brad Beefs Up On High-End Pigouts."
After quitting booze last year Brad Pitt is "pigging out on cheese, olives and gourmet foods!" claims the 'Enquirer.' Oh, the humanity.
"Hollywood's Most Hated TV Stars."
Four pages of unmitigated vitriol aimed at Whoopi Goldberg, Ellen DeGeneres, Pat Sajak, Dr Phil, Tucker Carlson (perhaps deservedly), Ellen Pompeo, Chris Cuomo, Mark Harmon and Savannah Guthrie. Investigative journalism at its best.
"Ukraine: Defiance & Despair!"
One week it's the start of World War III, the next it's a story demoted to the back of the book. But of course what's happening half-way across the world is only important to 'Enquirer' readers if it affects the US of A, so the grammatically-challenged rag reports: "Heroic Americans put lives on line to drive out invaders."
At least one of the tabloids has its priorities straight, as the 'Globe' cover story proclaims: "Ukraine War In Photos!"
Ooohh, photos! We've never seen those before.
Naturally, the 'Globe' treats the war in Ukraine like a pulp fiction novel: "Bloody combat. Russia's crimes. Refugee horror. Gripping Special Report!"
And of course, there's the mandatory teaser: "What Putin doesn't want YOU to see!"
Actually, it's Russian citizens who Putin doesn't want seeing images of Russian soldiers killed and tanks destroyed, and victims of apparent war crimes.
But the rag pats itself on the back: "Globe is proud to bring you the pictures Putin tried – and failed – to suppress!"
How exactly did Putin try to suppress photos appearing in an American tabloid? Did he threaten to cancel his subscription?
"Sally Field, 75, Prowling For A Man!"
Can we expect to see the Oscar-winner roaming the streets of Hollywood with a large net? She's apparently poised to film a movie with Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin, so in a bizarre non sequitur an unnamed insider claims "she still believes in marriage and wouldn't be averse to giving it another try".
But that's not exactly the same as being "on the prowl!"
"Kanye Is Dangerous!"
To himself, maybe.
"Shrink insists kidnap video proves rapper needs HELP!"
That's according to a forensic psychiatrist who has never treated Kanye West, analysing the singer's claymation video targeting his ex-wife Kim Kardashian's new beau Pete Davidson. Because analysing animated shorts is now an accepted diagnostic tool under American Medical Association guidelines.
"Prince Andrew On FBI Hot Seat!"
This story is no more true that it was two years ago when the FBI hoped to interview the reluctant Royal.
Andrew has paid off his sex abuse accuser Virginia Giuffre, but the FBI still wants to interview him about what he knows of his former friend, billionaire pedophile sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. Andrew is still declining to sit down for talks with the FBI, so he's no closer to a "hot seat" than before.
"How My Wife Saved My Life" declares the cover story.
Samuel L. Jackson tells how his marriage to Broadway actress La Tanya Richardson Jackson helped save him from "harrowing addiction" and helped him "become the man I am meant to be."
'People' mag's Photoshop editors worked overtime on the implausibly flawless smooth and unlined skins of this 73-year-old husband and his 72-year-old wife.
The secret to their successful marriage?
"A lot of compromise and a hell of a lot of amnesia," says LaTanya.
"What the Queen is Really Like."
A new biography by Robert Hardman, titled Queen of Our Times, reveals: "She really enjoys what she does."
Well, at 95 it might be a little late for a career change now.
Apparently HRH is "upbeat and positive" with a "sense of humorr."
The book reveals how the Queen chose "stillness" amid the mayhem of Princess Diana's death, never lost her cool during 1992's "annus horribilis," privately struggled with the divorces of her children Charles, Andrew and Anne, and wants to be buried near her parents.
At least she has something to look forward to.
"Why Cameron Diaz Disappeared," offers the cover story.
Apparently "quitting Hollywood saved her life – and her marriage – after heartbreaks, setbacks & botched Botox."
But would she have died if Diaz had kept working in Hollywood? That's definitely the inference.
Thankfully now she's become a wife and mother, Diaz is certain to live forever. Right.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'us Weekly' to tell us that Katie Hoklmes wore it best, that Miranda Cosgrove ("I can't leave the house without Kind bars"), and that the stars are just like us: they shop at farmers' markets, feed parking meters, and go on coffee runs. Life-affirming news, as always.
Elsewhere in the tabloids:
"Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michael Douglas – It's Over! After 21 Years – $500M At Stake."
This story has been written so many times over the years, and it's not been right yet. One day perhaps it might be correct. But is this that day . . ?
'Life & Style'
"Summer Weddings – The Rings, The Dresses & The Prenups!"
Pure romance for the stars soon to walk down the aisle, including Katy Perry and Britney Spears.
"Brad & Jen – Living Together In Paris for 6 Months!"
This "world exclusive" claims the once-married and long-divorced duo are staying in a "$25,000-a-night penthouse!"
Hasn't Jennifer Aniston heard that Brad Pitt is pigging out on cheese and olives? Perhaps he can carve up some Camembert and Brie while he's in Paris?
Onwards and downwards . . .