Cinnamon Toast Crunch spread will save us all

When you stop and marvel at the staggering number of achievements we've made as a species, it's enough to bring a tear to your eye. In only a few short millennia, we've mastered the art of teaching bears to unicycle and created bubble gum that doubles as measuring tape. The limits to human ingenuity are so indescribably boundless that even the famed bubble tape can't measure it. Despite how miraculous the aforementioned inventions are, nothing compares to Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Now, the geniuses behind the most important breakfast cereal in human history have upped the ante.

Earlier this week, General Mills unveiled a new Cinnamon Toast Crunch spread. You have to admire the cajones of General Mills. With childhood obesity reaching insane levels, the cereal company decides to double down on its commitment to widening America's waistline by introducing this assuredly addictive snack. Snark aside, I'm definitely going to Costco to stock up on a drum of Cinnamon Toast Crunch spread as soon as possible- ya know, for research.