'National Enquirer'
Which famous actor sleeps with blow-up sex dolls?
Who's is the macho superstar caught giving oral sex to another man?
Which leading TV actress was gay, who are the married actresses with lovers on the side, and can you name the major male movie producer who routinely wore a bra?
Don't expect to find the answers in this week's 'Enquirer' cover story: "Celebrity Fixer Breaks Silence! Hollywood A-Listers Panic as Dark Secrets Are Exposed!"
The time to panic may yet come, but no secrets, dark or light, have yet been revealed.
Behind these lubricious allegations lies former private investigator to the stars Anthony Pellicano who reportedly claims to be telling all in a memoir that may or may not have yet been written.
Pellicano, whose former clients included Sylvester Stallone, Michael Jackson, Pamela Anderson, Roseanne Barr and Steven Seagal, presumably knows where some skeletons are buried, but he's not rattling their bones yet.
Pellicano reportedly teases that his book will expose the identity of all those mystery Hollywood heavyweights indulging in their own private sex lives behind closed doors – but contrary to the headline, he has not yet broken his silence or exposed any dark secrets.
Pellicano spent 17 years behind bars for racketeering, wiretapping and bribery, so he seems like a reliable source whose word can be trusted.
"Bob Saget Didn't Have to Die!"
Apparently if he'd only had someone in his hotel room who could have called an ambulance, he'd still be alive today.
The moral of the story is: never sleep alone in a hotel room.
"UFOs Menace America!"
According to the 'Enquirer' "UFOs Swarm America!" and there have been "550 eyewitness reports since January". What are the odds that they're all 'Enquirer' readers?
Yet there is no evidence that any of these sightings, most of which are bright lights in the sky, are of extraterrestrial origin.
Naturally, the 'Enquirer' claims "the government is covering up the terrifying truth."
The rag reports that "UFOs are closely monitoring America". But if the UFOs are really aliens, is it truly menacing that they're just watching us? Wouldn't it be more menacing if they locked us all alone in hotel rooms?
The favorite tabloid sport of body shaming continues, with Lady Gaga accused of pumping her face with "fillers and injectables" – "Gaga's Face: It's Larger Than Life!" – while Janet Jackson is photographed in a baggy coat and accused of gaining 80 pounds – "Nasty! Giant Janet Expands Her Base."
Naturally, no medical experts who treated either singer were involved in either story.
"Why Harry & Meghan Are Flying The Coop!"
The renegade royals are reportedly selling their Montetico home in California because of a high property tax bill, and the overpowering stench of bird poop from a nearby refuge, coupled with odor from a nearby marijuana farm.
"Is Tucker Vlad's Twisted TV Toy?"
Do they have to ask? Tucker Carlson's fawning support of Russian president Vladimir Putin comes under the rag's insightful geopolitical scrutiny.
"Fraud Probe Over Epstein's Lost Loot"
Billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's fortune was valued at around $656 million when he died in 2019, but executors claim the estate is now worth only $166 million, after paying out some $325 million to victims and for taxes. What happened to the missing money?
It's an intriguing question, but despite the 'Enquirer' story, there is no probe into Epstein's estate.
'Globe'
The Royal soap opera continues: "Cruel Harry Insults Dying Queen, 95!"
Prince Harry "publicly humiliates own grandmother" by travelling from his California home to Holland to attend the Invictus Games, which he founded and heads, without stopping in England to visit with HRH, the 'Globe' claims.
Harry finds himself committed to attend the Games because the first major show under his reported $100 million Netflix deal is to produce a series following the journey of several wounded warriors to the Invictus Games, with Harry as our host and guide.
And there's nothing to stop Harry popping in on granny once the Games are done.
"Putin Stashes Baby Mom In Swiss Haven!"
Vladimir Putin's reputed lover, former Russian rhythmic gymnast Alina Kabaeva, branded by the 'Globe' as an "X-rated pin-up queen mistress" and their "four love children" are reportedly holed up in a luxury Swiss chalet while the war with Ukraine rages.
Where would they rather she was living? In a trailer park in Bakersfield?
"Epstein Madam's Assassin Terror."
The 'Globe' tells readers, yet again, that Jeffrey Epstein's right-hand woman Ghislaine Maxwell has long feared she was a target, reportedly keeping "a hand grenade on her desk" – highly unsuitable for close-range protection, when a gun would do the job better and with less collateral damage – "and was fearful of delivery men," which seems reasonable if like Maxwell you're living in a secluded home in the woods and a stranger comes knocking at your door.
"Wayne Newton's Face Is Melting!"
No, he's not the Wicked Witch of the West, and no, the singer's face is not melting.
Newton has allegedly undergone what the 'Globe' considers to be more than the acceptable amount of cosmetic surgery, and must be duly chastised for this transgression.
He allegedly looks "like his face is thawing and dripping to the floor," says an unidentified source who apparently is neither a doctor nor a cosmetic surgeon, but is an expert in the deliquescence of human flesh.
'People'
And the Royal soap opera continues . . . "William and Kate – Royal Tour Controversy."
Facing protests in the Caribbean, where the royal couple have been blamed for the past evils of colonialism and called to make reparations for slavery, the duo "calmly carry on."
Sandra Bullock, promoting her new movie 'The Lost City,' is the subject of "Sandra's Big Move – Why She's Stepping Away From Acting."
Apparently for the same reason that Cameron Diaz hit the cover of 'Us Weekly' last week: to spend more time with her family.
'Us Weekly'
"Julia Roberts' 20-Year Marriage – Breaking Point?"
Rumors of Roberts' divorce from her cinematographer husband Danny Moder have circulated for at least five years, becoming an annual cover story in the tabloids that repeatedly predict an imminent $250 million divorce that so far has failed to materialise. This time the rumours "just WON'T go away" says 'Us Weekly,' claiming that the duo are practically living separate lives.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Celine Dion wore it best, that Mira Sorvino dislikes "cruelty, prejudice and shallowness" (who'd have suspected it?), and that the stars are just like us: they shop at flea markets, eat solo, and bargain hunt at 99 Cents Only stores. Because they're cheapskates, like us?
Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .
'Ok!'
Brad Pitt's daughter Shiloh allegedly proclaims: "My Dad Is Not A Monster."
The rag picks through court documents from Pitt's divorce from Angelina Jolie, but good luck finding Shiloh's quote among the paperwork.
'Life & Style'
"Twins For Kate at 40!"
Sure. Just like the 'Globe' reported that Duchess Kate was having twins back in July 2016. Whatever happened to them?
'In Touch'
"Prince Harry's Secret Double Life! Why he disappeared 6 times in 12 months! Meets up with 22-year-old bombshell! Meghan's devastating ultimatum."
Harry can't "disappear" when he's one of the world's most recognisable and paparazzi-pursued personalities.
Meeting people is part of his brand: he needs to be seen to promote himself.
And since when was "meeting" someone, regardless of their explosive looks and relative youth, considered bad form? An affair, yes. But meeting someone?
As for Meghan's ultimatum?
Let's not forget that according to 'In Touch' magazine she's been dealing with this for years. Remember their cover story in December 2020: "Harry & Meghan Divorce Rumours! 10 Signs Marriage Is Cracking!"
This is the same magazine that was threatened with legal action by Prince William's attorneys for suggesting that he was having an affair in 2019.
Onwards and downwards . . .
