'National Enquirer'
Attacking the threat of liberal woke culture is evidently front page news for the 'Enquirer,' whose cover story declares: "Disney's Dirty Secrets Exposed!"
Apparently the Disney corporation is pushing a "woke" agenda by pushing back against Florida's "don't say gay" law, and by – shock! horror! – having a same-sex couple kiss in a recent 'Star Wars' outing.
Disney also allegedly exploits "tragic child stars" who are "used, abused and tossed in there trash," the magazine claims.
Who are these abused and abandoned child stars who "have been sucked into drug addiction and pornography, or had mental health issues"? The list of victims includes Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera, Ryan Gosling, Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, Selena Gomez and Shia LaBeouf.
Whatever became of those poor, lost, abandoned and forgotten stars? Where are they now?
"Bonkers Bigshots Teeter on the Edge!"
The 'Enquirer' claims that "berserk Oscar thug" Will Smith isn't the only celebrity whose "unhinged behaviour is worrying mental health experts."
Add Cardi B (allegedly making death threats to fans) and Kanye West (attacking his ex Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend Peter Davidson) to the list.
Presumably "mental health experts" spend much of their time examining celebrity behaviour by reading the tabloids, and commenting on the medical condition of stars they have never met.
"Madonna Freaks Fans With Disfigured Face!"
This is news?
"Obama Tells Joe: It's Time To Go!"
Barack Obama visited the White House to celebrate the 12th anniversary of the Affordable Care Act. Or, as the psychic empaths at the 'Enquirer' describe it, Obama went to his former home to "send a pointed message to the embattled current commander in chief," telling President Joe Biden to "abandon his bid for reelection."
Strange how the lamestream media all missed that exchange.
"The Prince & The Pervert!"
Prince Charles' private letters to the late British TV personality and pedophile Jimmy Saville are exposed, proving that Charles was as bad a judge of character as every other member of the British establishment in being unaware of Saville's sick predilections.
Charles understandably claims he was unaware that Saville was a child molester, but the 'Enquirer,' never shy of little hyperbole, calls his letters "cataclysmic for the already endangered monarchy."
"Sky's The Limit For Travel-Crazy Congress!"
Members of Congress allegedly spent $32 million in overseas travel expenses in the last four years, complains the 'Enquirer,' "which appear to be vacations in disguise!"
Sure, like all those vacations they took to Afghanistan, Iraq, and other conflict zones.
The 'Enquirer' laments that Californian Rep. David Valadao spent nearly $15,000 on last-minute airfare to fly to Albania to visit Afghan refugees. Sounds like everyone's dream vacation.
'Globe'
Another British royal intrigue graces the 'Globe' front page: "Prince Andrew Caught In New Bribe Scandal!"
It's a hyped-up repeat of recent UK revelations about Andrew and members of his family accepting money from Nabahar Isbilen, the wife of an imprisoned Turkish politician.
"How Bruce Willis, 67, Will End His Last Days."
The 'Globe' offers readers a cheery look into the many gruesome ways the actor could die after being diagnosed with aphasia.
The 'Globe' team of psychic medical experts conclude that Willis's illness "could be Alzheimer's," and that he "may be dead in just FIVE YEARS."
The rag gleefully reports that patients routinely "lose the ability to do routine bodily functions like eating and bladder and bowel control," and become "bedridden and die of urinary tract infections or pneumonia."
Trust the 'Globe' to always look on the bright side of life.
"Beyonce's Perfect Vampire Boobs! Too good to be natural."
An unnamed source claims the singer "recently had some fat transfer done and perhaps new implants too."
Perhaps?
Apparently the "vampire breast lift" is a technique that "rounds and increases boob size with injections of platelet-rich plasma."
Just the way Nosteratu likes it.
"Meghan & Harry Get A Spanking!"
No, there's no BDSM going on in royal quarters (at least, that we know of.) It's just Meghan's dad Thomas Markle complaining that the couple's "unforgivable" absence at Prince Philip's memorial service was a "slap in the face" to the Queen. Maybe, like Will Smith, Harry and Meghan will be banned from the Oscars for the next ten years.
"What Really Happens At Mortician's School. Gal reveals it's not for the squeamish."
Well, that's a shock, though it's heartwarming to see the term "gal" rescued from the 1940s.
"Two UFOs Menace U.S. Warship Again! Navy brass confirms 'they are NOT ours!'"
So they belong to someone else then? That doesn't necessarily make them alien craft.
Witnesses on the USS Kearsarge claim to have seen two balls of light about half a mile distant, and anti-drone weaponry failed to down them. So they must be extra-terrestrial?
'People'
Actress Viola Davis is the cover girl, proclaiming: "This Is My Survival Story."
Yes, but it's the same survival story she's told before: "Impoverished, hungry & abused as a child," she learned to forgive "in order to heal."
The confirmation of Ketanji Brown Jackson to the US Supreme Court gets a full page – but only one short paragraph: a mere 59 words including headline and caption. Maybe that's why they title this momentous event "Making history."
"Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez – Their Perfect Engagement."
Isn't that what they said the first time round 20 years ago?
'Us Weekly' is absent this week, apparently gliding on the back of last week's double issue, which they forgot to mark as such. Anxious readers are left wondering who wore it best, and if the stars are really just like us.
Elsewhere in the tabloids:
'OK!'
"Hollywood Divorce Drama!" Screams the cover.
Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson and husband Eric, and Will Smith & wife Jada are all in the rag's cross-hairs. The tabloids have been promising for years that this triumvirate are poised to divorce, but it hasn't happened yet.
'Life & Style'
"A-Listers Secretly Obsessed With Fame!"
Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman and Angelina Jolie are among those in the firing line.
Allegedly they alter the paparazzi about their movements, and scream at publicists.
Bear in mind that it's 'Life & Style' mag claiming the stars are obsessed with fame. Pot, meet kettle.
'In Touch'
Prince Andrew's daughter find themselves dragged into the tabloid mire thanks to their father, prompting the cover story: "Eugenie & Beatrice – Destroyed By Greed!"
It's the "$1 Million Fraud Bombshell" of which neither sister claims to have been aware. Apparently they have their dad to thank for landing them in the scandal-sheets.
Embarrassing, yes. But destroyed? Seriously?
Onwards and downwards . . .
