"War In The White House!" Screams last week's cover story. "Kamala Stabs Biden In Back!"
Just in case you hadn't noticed, there's a soap opera's worth of violence, betrayal and scheming going on at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Vice President Harris "is at Biden's throat and determined to bring him down," claims the rag, allegedly because the president is "planning to dump her from the 2024 presidential ticket."
Harris is reportedly "absolutely furious" to have been "saddled with near-impossible tasks" like fixing the Mexican border issue – which should be a breeze after Jared Kushner solved the Middle East crisis – and her staff are allegedly slamming Biden as "a doddering, senile laughingstock."
Politics as usual.
"Clooney Goes Loony For Amal's Sexy new Look!"
Accomplished and independent human rights lawyer Amal Clooney puts on some makeup, has her hair done and wears a body-hugging red dress, and the 'Enquirer' calls it a "$3 million makeover" that has saved their marriage. Right. Because appearance is more important than character.
"Clown Prince Harry In Hot Water Again!"
The Prince filmed a YouTube ad for his sustainable travel project Travelyst, that the 'Enquirer' deems a slap in the face to the Royal Family because it's yet another of his and Meghan's "shameless attempts to cash in on their connection to the crown."
Except while Harry's certainly raising his public profile he's not exactly trying to cash in – Travelyst is a non-profit charity trying to transform the travel industry with more ecologically beneficial vacation planning.
Harry is also accused of insulting New Zealand's native tribes by using the Maori word "kaupapa" in the video, which apparently means work for public good.
The Enquirer doesn't even bother quoting any unnamed sources in New Zealand, but simply states that Harry is "exploiting their culture to advance his own PR agenda." Their sources, it turns out, come from British newspaper The Daily Mail quoting unnamed Twitter users.
"Baby Formula Shortage Puts Kids At Risk!"
"Adele Is Rolling Deep In The Dumps!"
The singer's boyfriend, sports agent Rich Paul, missed Adele's 34th birthday, instead hanging out with client LeBron James in Miami. The 'Enquirer' says it's a sign she's about to be dumped. Others might say that Paul was working.
The magazine has been predicting the divorce of Barack and Michelle Obama for years, so far without success, so you can sense their delight in their latest cover story: "Michelle Falls For Race Car Driver, 37!"
The former First Lady is photographed hugging race car driver Lewis Hamilton, with a caption that clearly indicates they've been caught red-handed: "Gotcha!"
But this was no clandestine embrace. They were out in public before hundreds of witnesses at a practice session before the Miami Grand Prix at the Miami International Autodrome.
The duo had an animated conversation that both appeared to enjoy, but leave it to the 'Globe' to say: "They looked like a loving couple," and claim that the former First Lady "is playing Russian roulette with her shaky marriage."
"Failing Meghan Erases Her Past!"
Duchess Meghan and Prince Harry's animated series 'Pearl' was cancelled by Netflix while still in development, and the website for her production company Archewell has removed mention of the show.
That's Meghan erasing her past, according to the 'Globe.'
"Putin's Greatest Hits!"
No, the Russian prime minister is not secretly topping the charts with a clandestine singing career, or appearing in the next season of The Masked Singer. It's a catalogue of Russian oligarchs who allegedly "got on the wrong side" of Putin and were "slaughtered under suspicious circumstances."
"Nicole's Funky Face Freaks Out Fans!"
Frivolous "Fs" flying furiously freely as the alliteration-loving 'Globe' challenges Nicole Kidman's claim that "she's never gone under the knife," after unnamed fans – perhaps those sitting in the 'Globe' editorial office? – declare her "unrecognizable."
A cosmetic surgeon who has never treated Kidman explains: "No doubt she has had surgery".
These words, "no doubt" – I do not think they mean what you think they mean.
After years of Hollywood success (let's not mention 'Cats') without worrying about her weight, Australian comic actress Rebel Wilson's 80-pound slim-down over the past two years makes her this week's cover girl declaring: "It was time to change."
She explains that it wasn't societal pressure to conform to unrealistic stereotypical cultural body standards that prompted her reduction, but the result of being told by a doctor that it would be harder to conceive a child if she remained overweight.
Yes, she's living her best life now, as is everyone in 'People' mag. Except she still hasn't had a baby.
"Hate & Terror in Buffalo – 'This Is Pure Evil.'" Ten people die in a mass shooting, warranting four pages in the mag that devoted six pages to Rebel Wilson, clearly getting its editorial priorities straight.
Singer Bobby Brown, who lost daughter Bobbi Kristina in 2013 and son Bobby Jr in 2020, sees them laughing in his dreams, and says: "That's enough for a father to feel like God has them."
Presumably because God is the network programming chief our dreams.
"Michelle Dockery & Elizabeth McGovern – Downtime With a Downton Duo."
After playing mother and daughter on TV's 'Downton Abbey' for more than a decade, the two actresses feel like "proper family."
They adored one another from the first, formed a "quite emotional" friendship, and are both addicted to 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,' they reveal.
'Top Gun: Maverick' star Tom Cruise dominates this week's front page: "Inside Tom's Private World – Scientology, Surgery & Turning 60."
It's yet another cover story without interviewing the subject.
He has apparently "turned his back on Hollywood for England" because people in the street react to him more positively there, is highly competitive with Brad Pitt and fellow Scientologist John Travolta, and allegedly has "bizarre dating rules," which amount to wanting a romantic partner "in tune with his beliefs and philosophies." How bizarre is that?
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Katrina Bowden wore it best (and feel some pity for Rumer Willis, who wore her Rachel Parcell knitted dress like a sack of potatoes and garnered a dismal 4 per cent of readers' sympathy votes), that country singer Trace Adkins thinks "cats are a**holes," and that the stars are just like us: they shop for groceries, eat pizza, go jogging and get their nails done. And are stalked by paparazzi while doing it.
Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .
'Life & Style'
Recently liberated from years under court conservatorships, Britney Spears and Amanda Bynes share this week's cover: "Britney & Amanda – Struggling With Freedom. Nude selfies, drug binges & breakdowns."
The rag takes its usual sympathetic ands supportive look at the duo.
"Britney's blowing $80,000 a week," claims the rag. "Cops rush to Amanda's house after 911 call."
But Spears earned every penny that she's now free to spend. And there was not one 911 call but two from Bynes home, as both she and fiancé Paul Michael both called police as a domestic argument brewed. Hours later the couple were spotted kissing while running errands, suggesting that after accusing one another of drug abuse all had been forgotten and forgiven after Michael's drug test came back clean.
The Kardashian matriarch and momager is this week's cover girl: "Kris Jenner's Dirtiest Secrets Revealed! Robbery, Abuse & A Fatal Car Crash."
She allegedly "leaked Kim's sex tape for $1 million!", "Demands O.J. & Khloé get DNA test!" and "Tried to stop Kourtney & Travis' Wedding!"
Because that's what a mother's love looks like.
Onwards and downwards . . .