'National Enquirer'
Johnny Depp's libel suit against his ex-wife continues to dominate Enquiring minds, giving us this week's cover story: "Amber Heard: Most Hated Woman In Hollywood!"
So much for lending a sympathetic ear to every woman accusing a man of abuse.
The rag claims that Heard is "Shunned by A-listers! . . . Trashed as toxic liar! . . . Cut from film projects."
Showing their usual flair for fair and balanced reporting, the 'Enquirer' calls her "haughty," a "bitchy blonde," "greedy gold-digger," and "huffy hottie."
"Zombie Pete Obeys Kim's Commands!"
The magazine routinely calls Prince Harry "henpecked," but Pete Davidson is allegedly the helpless voodoo slave of girlfriend Kim Kardashian, who has "truly got her claws into him now and is totally running his life," according to an unnamed insider.
Sources say "pals worry the funnyman may even give up his lucrative 'SNL' gig, which would put him fully under the sway of Kim and her controlling clan!"
As if that could ever happen. Oh, wait . . . Davidson quit SNL on the day the 'Enquirer' went to press.
The tabloid has Haitian spiritual magic on its mind, claiming that Kim's sister Kourtney Kardashian and her Blink-182 rocker husband Travis Barker – kindly described by the rag as a "tattooed scarecrow" – want a "voodoo wedding redo!"
WIth little in the way of corroborating evidence, the story claims the couple want a "voodoo-style marriage blessing". Perhaps it's not so far-fetched for the couple who reportedly sealed their engagement in January by drinking one another's blood.
"Meghan's Desperate Makeover!"
The Duchess of Sussex allegedly "primps, preens and slims down to impress royals," but sadly they only "look away."
"Manipulative Meghan is pulling out all the stops to make a glam impression while she's in the UK," reports the 'Enquirer,' even though she hasn't even embarked on the trip to Britain yet. What do they expect her to wear: Dollar Store discount bin rejects and off-the-rack fashions from Ross ("Dress for Less!)?
Will Smith admitted in his 2021 memoir that as a 20-year-old Philadelphia rapper worth $1 million "the only people who can afford to hang with you are other rappers, professional athletes, or drug dealers. I picked drug dealers."
That leads to this week's "Enquirer Special Investigation," which claims: "Will Smith's Ugly Gang Ties Exposed!"
But there's no suggestion that slap-happy Smith was part of any criminal street gang, let alone an "affiliate" as the 'Enquirer' claims. The rag reports that charges against Smith for an alleged 1989 assault were dropped after gang members kidnapped his victim's 13-year-old son.
The 'Enquirer' adds that "there is no suggestion that Will personally knew" about the kidnapping. Why would he?
'Globe'
This week's cover is dedicated to a country music legend's sad demise: "Naomi Judd – Autopsy Secrets!"
Credit where it's due: The 'Globe' did break the story that Judd had taken her own life with a gun. But the fact that Tennessee's Williamson County Sheriff's department has chosen not to release 911 tapes, police reports or witness statements does not necessarily mean that there's a "cover-up" as the 'Globe' claims, but could mean they are simply respecting the family's privacy.
The 'Globe' further moans that "the family is keeping the location of Naomi's grave . . . under wraps," which is perhaps understandable since the rag's reporters would be trampling all over her final resting place if they could find it.
"Trump's Hairdo Secret Revealed!"
It's been revealed before, but the 'Globe' is happy to repeat it years later, claiming that the former president's coif is a combination of "scalp reduction surgery, plenty of hairspray & Just for Men color."
"Britney Meltdown After Losing Baby."
What? They expect Britney Spears to be out partying every night after suffering a miscarriage?
"Harry & Meghan's Silly Sour Grapes"
Not invited to join the rest of the royal family on the Buckingham Palace balcony while celebrating the Queen's Jubilee next month, Harry and Meghan reportedly insist that their "humiliating absence" from the famed balcony "was their idea."
Says an unnamed royal insider: "This is sheer nonsense – a laughable attempt to save face." They may have a point.
The 'Globe' has a regular editorial opinion page, which actually amounts to a weekly spot for celebrity character assassination. This week's target is "Pompous Prince Harry" under the headline: "Whatta joke! No Sweat Harry Fears Burnout!"
The prince recently expressed his concern that he might "burn out" while fighting to improve the world – he actively campaigns for environmental and mental health issues – but the 'Globe' hits out: "You have to work hard to burn out – and have an actual job instead of playing polo!"
Oh, those wags.
'People'
Hollywood veteran Jeff Bridges is this week's cover story, telling of his health crisis: "Covid During Chemo . . . I Was Close to Dying."
Diagnosed with cancer and weakened by chemotherapy, the actor nearly died of coronavirus before pulling through, embracing life, and saying: "Love is the deal."
Of course. There's no point going through a life-changing experience if you can't come out the other end offering 'People' mag some life-affirming aphorism dripping with positivity.
Bridges apparently recovered from covid thanks to "convalescent plasma," using blood from people who have already recovered from the virus.
And the tabs think Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker are crazy for drinking each other's blood?
'Us Weekly'
Julianne Hough is this week's midriff-baring cover girl, revealing: "My Best Body!"
Her best body is, unsurprisingly, the same one she's had for the past 33 years. She's the face of the rag's annual summer "diet and workout tips" issue, offering advice from stars including Beyoncé, Lily James, Megan Fox, J. Lo, Jessica Biel, Megan Thee Stallion, Shawn Mendes, Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston, David Beckham and Kim Kardashian – and the chances are that not a single one of them actually spoke with the magazine.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Kelsea Ballerini wore it best, that Bethenny Frankel makes "superb scrambled eggs," and that the stars are just like us: they chat on their phones, get food to go, and paddleboard with their siblings. It's practically designed to make you feel bad about yourself if you haven't paddleboarded with a sibling lately.
Elsewhere in the tabs . . .
'In Touch'
Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker's "Wedding Joy and Drama" takes the cover, telling how their "'Magical' Weekend Almost Goes Horribly Wrong."
Sister Khloé Kardashian allegedly broke down and fled the wedding reception, while family matriarch and 'momager' Kris Jenner reportedly got "wasted."
'Life & Style'
"Princess Kate" is this week's cover girl, which should already tip you off that this isn't strictly kosher, since Kate isn't a princess at all, but only a Duchess.
Nevertheless, she is apparently telling her favorite tabloid: "Lessons I learned From the Queen." I'm sure the 'Life & Style' staff had a great sit-down interview with the Duchess of Cambridge, who reportedly talks about her "royal duties, managing anxiety, and the secret to a happy marriage."
It probably involves not talking to the tabloids.
'Ok!'
The magazine quietly slipped off the newsstands and into the history books this month, becoming the first of the troubled major celebrity glossy magazines to succumb to falling circulation. The rag will now only appear irregularly to offer occasional special issues, though an avatar will endure online. This week, however, there's just a gap on the newsstands where it once sat.
Onwards and downwards . . .
