"Hollywood's Fakest Boobs & Bottoms Exposed!" screams this week's cover story, with the promise of "Implants! Lifts! Nip/tucks!"
Doing what it does best – ogling vast expanses of female cleavage and protuberant posteriors, while pouring scorn on their owners – the 'Enquirer' has a team of six cosmetic surgeons review photos of celebrities and declare, without a physical examination, whether they are real or fake.
Among those with body parts deemed fraudulent: Kim Kardashian, Kylie Jenner, Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea, Madonna, Cardi B, Salma Hayek, Megan Fox and Amber Rose. Some might argue with their inclusion on this list, while others have freely admitted to getting assistance: Dolly Parton, of course, and former 'Teen Mom' Farrah Abraham, who posted photos of her receiving "butt-boosting injections" on Instagram.
Those who the 'Enquirer' deems are the "real deal"? It's a very short list: Jennifer Lopez and Halle Berry.
"Cruise's Mission: Hayley! Pressure on Tom to try again after Gaga flameout."
Ignoring for a moment the fact that Tom Cruise and Lady Gaga were never, ever going to be a couple, the 'Enquirer' claims that the 'Top Gun: Maverick' star is being "urged by friends" to rekindle his romance with his 'Mission: Impossible' co-star Hayley Atwell. As if any "friend" of Cruise would ever dare tell him what to do.
"Cash-strapped royal renegades" Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan hope to "turn themselves into the next Kardashians" with a reality TV series, claims the 'Enquirer.'
The couple have announced a Netflix docuseries being filmed by cameras following them around, But don't expect to see Kanye West, Travis Barker or Pete Davidson adding to the Sussexes' celebrity quotient. The 'Enquirer' envisions it as "Keeping Up With The Sussexes," with Meghan waking to Tibetan wind chimes, enjoying sunrise primal scream therapy, and breakfasting on tofu and "whole-wheat, organic, locally sourced, sustainable rice crackers."
Someone should politely tell the 'Enquirer' that rice is unlikely to be whole wheat, or indeed to contain any wheat at all.
"China unleashes New Bioweapon – Deadly Monkeypox!"
China naturally gets the blame for a virus first identified in monkeys – where else? – in 1953, and first found in humans in the Congo in 1970. The latest outbreak originated in a British traveller newly returned from Nigeria, which no doubt shows how cunning are the Chinese military, with their ability to plant the disease in West Africa to divert attention away from Chinese biolabs as the source. Thank goodness that the 'Enquirer' team of crack investigators wasn't fooled by that elaborate cover-up.
Monkeypox was conveniently weaponised at the same Wuhan laboratory where Covid-19 allegedly escaped, according to 'Enquirer' source Dr Jim Garrow, who the rag explains "has business interests in China," which sounds like the perfect qualification for obtaining inside information on what happens behind the closed doors of a secret bioweapons lab.
Interestingly, Garrow is credited as the founder of English-immersion schools in China: he has a teaching degree, but admits his doctorate is honorary. In the past the 'Enquirer' has variously called Garrow an "Asia expert," "an expert on Chinese spy and terror tactics," an "international terror expert," and "international affairs expert," all of which are debatable for what appears to be a rent-a-quote.
This is the same Dr Garrow who in 2016 alleged that Barack Obama was an Indonesian citizen educated in a school for Imams, and put in place by the Saudis to bring down America. You can't argue with that level of international affairs expertise.
"Clinton Moneyman Murdered In Epstein Cover-Up!" declares the cover story.
Mark Middleton, formerly President Bill Clinton's special advisor and campaign finance director, who was also linked to billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein – because what campaign fund-raiser wouldn't want to know deep-pocketed Epstein? – was found dead last month, an apparent suicide.
Middleton ran a heating and air conditioning company in Little Rock, AK, and was found hanging from a tree in the woods, having apparently put a noose around his neck and then shot himself with a shotgun, the rag reports.
But the 'Globe' suspects it's murder and "yet another staged suicide" to cover up Epstein's links with the rich and powerful.
It's been almost two years since Jeffrey Epstein was found hanging in his New York jail cell. So who does the 'Globe' think is killing people in this cover-up? They're not saying.
"Putin's Secret Cancer Surgery."
It's so secret that only the 'Globe' knows about it. Are they going to have enough shelf space for all the Pulitzer Prizes they'll be hauling in?
"Meghan's Minions Abandoning Ship!"
The Duchess of Sussex is yet again accused of being "an abusive bully" as she sees the resignation of her 12th senior employee in the past four years: PR director Toya Holness. Well, maybe you should expect bad publicity when you fire your PR director.
"Queen Elizabeth's Bizarre Secret Life."
Russian cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin allegedly stroked the Queen's thigh, and the Duke of Rutland Charles Manners "made a bold pass" at her, according to royal biographer Andrew Morton. Both events took place more than 50 years ago, which counts as breaking news in the 'Globe.'
"TV Chef Gordon In Arthritis Hell!"
Gordon Ramsay is suffering "crippling arthritis" which inexplicably has those closest to him terrified, as "friends fear he's headed for an explosive crash!"
No, not a car crash or plane crash. He works 12 hours a day and then exercises for another two hours (the way that people do when "crippled" by arthritis) and friends are allegedly concerned that "he's taking on so much." Right.
"Hunchback Ozzy's Crazy Back Train! Stooped rocker, 73, facing wheelchair if he doesn't slow down."
Osbourne has been walking with the aid of a cane for years, and despite what the 'Globe' thinks, staying active is probably keeping him out of a wheelchair, not putting him into one. As a doctor who hasn't treated Osbourne tells the rag: "Inactivity will exacerbate his health problems". Of course it would. Do the 'Globe' reporters even read their own stories?
"21 Lives" dominates this week's cover. "Stories of Love & Anguish From Uvalde, Texas."
It's a special report on the horrific school shooting that stunned a nation and that 'People' magazine hopes will sell more copies than putting 'Star Wars' alums Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen on the cover. Instead the duo are feeling "the force" on the inside pages, discussing their new 'Obi Wan Kenobi' series.
"Elle Fanning Knows Exactly What She's Doing."
If that's true, she's the only one in Hollywood who does.
"Hunter Biden's Ex Tells Her Story."
Kathleen Buhle has been through the wringer: "Her husband's addiction shredded her sanity; his affair with his brother's widow shattered her family." Five years later she has found forgiveness, and is marketing it in her new memoir, 'If We Break.' But what more is there to tell when Hunter has already done such a good job of self-evisceration?
There are duelling covers of the mag on the newsstands this week:
In one, Prince Harry is branded "A Prince Under Pressure," as the rag explores the "mystery behind missing $20M memoir."
Well, Harry's memoir isn't so much missing, as it is delayed, now expected to be published in 2023 instead of later this year. The rag assumes it's because he hasn't dished enough dirt on the Royal Family, and is being asked to come back from the Queen's Jubilee celebrations in England this month with a new chapter or two of family conflict and angst.
In the rival cover story, Heidi Montag is "Pregnant & In Love AGAIN!" In one of rare occasions when the celebrity subject actually appears to have spoken to the magazine. What a concept.
"Why Brad Vanished. – 4 Months in Hiding."
Did anyone even notice that Brad Pitt had disappeared off the face of the Earth? Have they searched the International Space Station for him?
But no, Pitt hasn't "vanished." He's still enjoying life in the privacy of his own homes, and happily hanging out at his art studio. But because he hasn't been seen by the paparazzi for four months, 'Us Weekly' concludes that he "is becoming increasingly reclusive" and living in a "lonely world." Right.
Meanwhile his ex-wife Angelina Jolie is "out & about" at red carpet events, engaging in charitable endeavours, running errands, and posting on social media. So she must be winning!.
Elsewhere in the tabloids:
Married celebrity couple Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton may be surprised at this week's cover headline: "Gwen & Blake – Shock Split!"
Stefani and Shelton were allegedly seen arguing in Los Angeles, and as anyone knows that means the marriage is over. Call the divorce lawyers!
Or, as 'Star' magazine phrases it: "Is one of them cheating with a hot co-worker?"
What other possible reason could there be for a couple of argue?
'Life & Style'
When absolutely nothing scandalous is happening in Hollywood, the rag dives into photos of the homes of stars to bring us: "25 Most Expensive e Celeb Homes!" The catalogue of old at-home photoshoots includes Adele, Adam Levine, Mark Wahlberg and ("celebrity"?) Ivanka Trump.
Harry Styles, ahed 28, and his 38-year-old girlfriend Olivia Wilde, are having a "Wedding & A Baby!" the rag claims.
Styles and Wilde may be the last to know.
The couple allegedly say: "We'd love to have a girl" and are planning a "$2 million Italian ceremony."
I'll believe it when I see it.
Onwards and downwards . . .