National Enquirer
A week late and several dollars shot, the 'Enquirer' front page declares: "Johnny Beats Lying Amber!"
It's a crude double entendre, subliminally suggesting that Depp "beats" his ex-wife Heard, as well as emerging victorious in his defamation suit.
The subtlety continues with the inside spread headline: "Whatta Slap In The Face!" And it goes on with another two-page spread of photos of the duo displaying their various bruises, under the headline: "Johnny & Amber's Greatest Hits."
Journalism at its best.
The 'Enquirer' promises readers the "Untold story behind Depp's $10.3M revenge!"
The rag fails to deliver, however, except to offer the anodyne observation: "The untold story of the trial is how Johnny's legal eagles outmanoeuvred Amber's team . . . Johnny's charisma and acting talents also likely helped his case."
Well that certainly merits the front page.
"Texas Schoolkids Didn't Have To Die!"
Pulling no punches, the rag blames "coward cops" who "saved [their] own hides" and hid behind "evil lies".
Why won't the 'Enquirer' tell us what it really thinks of the police action in Uvalde. Texas?
"Travolta Trying To Cure Willis!"
Sure, that will work.
'Saturday Night Fever' star John Travolta allegedly "Believes Scientology superpowers can zap pal's brain disorder." Bruce Willis has aphasia, losing his cognitive abilities and struggling with speech, but that doesn't mean he's lost his mind and will let his 'Look Who's Talking' and 'Pulp Fiction' co-star mess with his head.
"Partying Meghan Snubs Ailing Dad!"
For once it's hard to argue with the 'Enquirer' when it notes that Duchess Meghan, AKA "Prince Harry's coldhearted wife," flew to England to celebrate the Queen's Jubilee, rather than visit the hospital bedside of her 77-year-old father Thomas Markle, who had just suffered a stroke.
Let's hope she at least mailed him a "Get Well" card.
"An astonishingly lifelike tribute to Britain's beloved queen."
No, that's not the 'Enquirer' description of the Queen's Jubilee celebrations.
It's the promise in a slightly unnerving full-page ad for a "Queen Elizabeth II 95th Birthday Commemorative Doll," which makes Her Majesty look somewhat like Donald Trump in drag – but certainly life-like.
"Jada Breaks The Bank!"
Will Smith reportedly "can't stop wife from spending like there's no tomorrow."
That's what happens when you let paparazzi snap you shopping in Beverly Hills. Jada Pinkett-Smith allegedly "spends a fortune" on beauty products, masseurs, trainers and fine dining.
Her husband reportedly complains about this, despite his penchant for his Rolls Royce Ghost, Bentley Azure, and Mercedes-Maybach, the 'Enquirer' notes.
"What Killed Ray Liotta?"
The 'Enquirer' has no idea, which naturally leads them to declare an "autopsy cover-up!" How long before they declare that Liotta was murdered, and didn't have to die?
'Globe'
The Obamas are this week's cover couple: "Barack & Michelle's Marriage Explodes! Jealousy, accusations and screaming rages!"
This from the rag that told readers the Obamas were divorcing in 2009, and through the years has repeatedly claimed they were divorcing. In September 2019 the couple reportedly faced a "$150 million divorce showdown," and in 2020 the 'Globe' claimed that the duo had already exchanged divorce papers.
Yet they're still married, and the best that the rag can come up with now is that they're having arguments? Whatever happened to those divorce papers?
Evidently their latest rows are because Michelle Obama plans to have cosmetic surgery "to turn back time" so that she can pursue younger lovers. Right.
"Battling Bidens' Secret Text Wars!"
President Joe Biden and First Lady Jill Biden reportedly "hide their fights from bodyguards" by texting one another. They allegedly call their fight-texts "fexting," and even though such an on-trend neologism seems beyond the septuagenarians' likely capabilities, the story emanated from a good source: Jill Biden herself.
Of course, the First Lady didn't tell that to the 'Globe,' but rather to Harper's Bazaar, whose story has been dutifully copied by the tabloid.
"Meghan Mimics Kim Kardashian!"
While it's true that the Duchess of Sussex and husband Prince Harry are filming a reality series about their lives, which has superficial similarities to the manufactured reality TV series Keeping Up With The Kardashians, it seems a stretch to suggest that Meghan is mimicking Kim because she recently wore an all-white ensemble (like Kim), appeared on Ellen DeGeneres's' chat show (like Kim) and has sat on a beach (like Kim and 700 million other people.) If the fact that they're both friends with Serena Williams doesn't convince you that Meghan is copying Kim, then this will: they both live in mansions!
You can't argue with imperial evidence like that.
"Epstein Madam Cheats Death!"
Billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein's convicted enabler and friend Ghislaine Maxwell was allegedly attacked in her cell by two inmates with a shiv in a "vicious attempt to kill her."
Maxwell, awaiting sentencing for child sex trafficking, was reportedly "stabbed at her side with a shank knife," and has been "targeted for death in prison."
But Maxwell reportedly fought back, and was treated for only "superficial wounds," which makes it sound like someone doesn't know how to use a shiv properly.
This is according to a "jailhouse snitch," an unnamed source behind bars, whose veracity and accuracy are doubtless unimpeachable.
'People'
Robin Roberts is this week's cover girl, telling of "Love, Faith & Breaking Barriers."
It's 'People' mag's gay pride issue, so the 'Good Morning America' anchor talks about coming out, surviving cancer, and caring for her partner as she fights the same disease.
"All The Jubilee Tea!"
Dishing the dirt on the Royal Jubilee celebrations, 'People' mag discloses that "Prince Louis went off script, Meghan and Harry made a rare royal appearance, and the woman of the hour, Queen Elizabeth, felt the love". Yawn.
"Johnny Depp & Amber Heard – Facing Their Futures."
But not together.
An unnamed Hollywood agent says: "Years of building up reputations have been torn down on both sides in a couple of weeks Nobody truly won."
Except maybe Court TV. And both actors' teams of attorneys. And all the media outlets reporting on the trial.
'Us Weekly'
It's yet another royal cover story: "Kate & Meghan – What Really Happened."
The world's press was locked out of Buckingham Palace, reduced to peeking through windows, but 'Us Weekly' reveals what happened with the "ticking time bomb waiting to explode" when the Duchess of Cambridge went up against the Duchess of Sussex, and the "frail queen . . . begged them to keep the peace".
Calling it the "Point of No Return," 'Us Weekly' claims that relations between the sisters-in-law "remain frosty after a tense showdown."
But what showdown? Kate and Meghan were never seen meeting face-to-face during Jubilee celebrations last week, and were some considerable distance apart at events they both attended. They were only seen in the same room together during a service at St Paul's Cathedral, when Meghan may (or may not) have turned her head away when Kate entered.
"Putting On An Act."
Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson's eight-month romance may seem to be going strong, but the rag claims that "behind the scenes things are cooling off."
Never saw that coming.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Olivia Culpo wore it best (let's face it, she would still look great in a black plastic trash bag), that actor Cheyenne Jackson cooks "a killer waffle," and that the stars are just like us: they attend ice hockey games, pick up packages, and drink healthy smoothies.
Enlightening, as ever.
Elsewhere in this week's tabloids:
'OK!'
The long dark nightmare of our souls continues as 'OK!' mag is absent from newsstands for yet another week.
'Life & Style'
"Summer Brides! Shedding for the Wedding!" Alleged bridal dieters include Kate Hudson, Katy Perry, and Jennifer Lopez.
'In Touch'
The Royal Family supposedly got together for a bite to ea while the 95-year-old monarch is on her last legst, experiencing "Joy, Drama, & Naming The Next King!"
Spoiler alert: It will be Charles.
Onwards and downwards . . .
