When senior members of Britain's Royal Family talk, they talk to the 'National Enquirer.'
At least, you'd be forgiven for thinking so after reading this week's cover story: "Kate Finally Tells All!"
The Duchess of Cambridge is planning to dish the royal dirt in "a blockbuster TV interview" which will take readers inside Kate's "nasty war with mean Meghan!" It will also detail "her secret battle with crippling anxiety!" and allegedly reveal "why William will never forgive Harry!"
Even if Kate agreed to sit down for a TV interview, as the future Queen of England she is far too diplomatic, restrained and self-controlled to say anything that would rock the royal boat.
The 'Enquirer' claims Kate will "finally respond to Meghan and her hubby Prince Harry's explosive American sit-down last year."
Like hell she will.
"Tom Cruise & Brad Pitt Blood Feud Explodes."
No it doesn't.
Cruise's action blockbuster 'Top Gun: Maverick' is atop the global box office, but Pitt doesn't even have a film out in cinemas, so it's not as if they're in head-to-head competition. There's no suggestion in the story that either actor has said a word against the other's latest successes. It's just wishful thinking.
"Royal Renegades Run For The Hills!"
Well, maybe they didn't run for the hills, but Harry and Meghan did prematurely depart the UK before the Queen's Jubilee celebrations had concluded, raising eyebrows. Or as the 'Enquirer' delicately puts it: "fame-hungry Prince Harry" and Meghan "fled . . . with their tails between their legs".
Which is actually an improvement for Meghan, whose name is often accompanied in the tabloids by such descriptive terms as "evil" and "diva".
The tabloid's ever-vigilant weight police have been out in force again, and this time caught Fox News host Tucker Carlson allegedly putting on the pounds.
"Terrified Tucker Smashes The Scales!" Screams the headline above a story branding the conservative firebrand "Tubby Tucker" and claiming that the "pudgy and doughy" talk show tyrant weighs over 200 pounds and "looks awful".
That sounds like an expression of those First Amendment rights that Carlson is so keen to protect.
How the worm has turned. The rag that once slavishly kissed Donald Trump's presidential posterior now rants as "explosive TV hearings expose betrayal, lies & treachery!" with the cover story headline "Trump's Insane Capitol Hill Coup!"
But despite the sensational headlines, the 'Globe' can't help feeling that Trump was embroiled in a riot not of his own making.
Trump is allegedly "outraged over being linked" to the January 6 insurrection, and the House Select Committee supposedly "plopped him into the center of a coup attempt" rather than Trump placing himself there by his own actions.
Then the 'Globe' returns to programming as usual, getting a Baltimore psychiatrist who has never met with or treated Trump to declare that the president was already "clearly delusional" in the weeks after losing the 2020 election. And, he might as well have added, for the four years preceding the election.
"Queen Refuses To Step Aside For Charles!"
That's hardly surprising, after the Royal Family was still hasn't recovered from the horror of the 1936 abdication of Edward VIII. Relinquishing the throne is unthinkable to Queen Elizabeth, raised think of an abdication of responsibility as anathema.
The 'Globe' claims that the Queen has been "told to call it quits" supposedly "amid fears" she is "suffering from the early stages of dementia."
Does appearing in a video opposite a fictional bear count as one of the first signs of dementia? Or is talking with a CGI Paddington Bear, as Her Majesty did during her recent Jubilee celebrations, considered normal behavior?
"Second Fiddles Harry & Meghan Frozen Out!"
They're more like third violins, but that seems like a minor quibble over the 'Globe' report on the royal renegades' shabby treatment from senior Royals during their Jubilee visit to the UK.
"If they were lepers, they couldn't have been shunned more," says an alleged "royal inside" who clearly hasn't visited a leper colony lately.
"Space Aliens Will Pulverise Putin Nukes!"
Of course they will. What sane person doesn't believe that extra-terrestrials will "stop Putin from pressing the button" if he tries to launch any nuclear missiles.
These are the alleged thoughts of veteran psychic Uri Geller, who clearly knows a thing or two about alien thought processes.
And who wouldn't take military defense advice from a man who can bend spoons with his mind?
Readers get a trio of skinny young men with questionable looks sharing this week's cover: "Jonas Brothers – Burnin' Up the Summer!"
What does that even mean? Are they tag-teaming arsonists?
The three bros talk about fame, family and career, as poster boys for 'People' magazine's special issue: "100 Reasons to Love America," presumably because July 4th is just arounds the corner.
If the Jonas Brothers are #1 among 100 reasons to love America, you might want to seriously think about emigrating.
Among the Top 100 are such natural wonders as the Grand Canyon and Niagara Falls, Callifornia's Monarch Sanctuary and Florida's Everglades.
And then there are the wonders you'd naturally expect: "McDonald's Secret Menu," "Rosie, the uplifting penguin," White House tabby cat Willow, roller-skating at the Rockefeller Center, the centenary of Wright Brand bacon, and "the thrill of ghost-hunting."
Can't argue with such patriotic choices.
Newlyweds "Britney Spears & Sam Asghari" get ample coverage, but surprisingly don't merit the cover story – surely a sign of shifting readership demographics.
No, they're not one of the 100 reasons to love America (though the populist revival of Britney, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan does make the list!) but 'People' mag takes readers inside "Their Fairy-Tale I Do's!"
Britney arrived for the wedding at her Los Angeles-area home in a "Cinderella-esque horse-drawn carriage" but forgot to wear glass slippers. She wore a custom Versace gown with a train longer than a freight locomotive, and killed several orchards of rose bushes to cover her home and garden in blooms.
'People'mags #96 in the list of 100 reasons we love America is "celebrity wedding crashers," such as actors Tom Hanks and Simon Rex who have unexpectedly turned up at strangers' nuptials. For some reason the magazine doesn't mention Britney Spears' first husband Jason Alexander, who was arrested trying to crash her latest wedding, earning him a restraining order in the process. Is that the sort of behaviour that makes us love the US of A?
The magazine that routinely gives us 100 reasons to hate America, or at least what passes for its fourth estate, this week devotes its cover to a question on the minds of absolutely no-one: "Is Britney Living A Lie?"
Perhaps a better question might be: Is Britney Spears living her own truth? Or is that too zen?
Apparently miffed at losing out on Spears' wedding photos to 'People' mag, 'Us Weekly' quotes an unnamed "insider" claiming that despite Brit-Brit's seemingly happy outward appearance, "some of her loved ones are worried she's living a lie."
Those "loved ones" are actually Spears' unloved ones: her estranged parents and her sister Jamie Lynn, all of whom have been cut from the singer's life, naturally making them completely impartial and fair-minded judges of Spears' honesty and integrity.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Lily James wore it best, that interior designer Jeff Lewis (who says they're running out of celebrities to interview?) believes "I'm going through menopause," and that the stars are just like us: they shop for food, pick out paint swatches, check in at airports, read in bed, and – if you're James Van Der Beek – get manicures from their four-year-old daughter. Just like us: I have Van Der Beek's daughter do my nails every two weeks.
Onwards and downwards . . .