"Murder!" Screams the cover story. "Kidnapping! Fraud! Sex crimes! Domestic abuse!"
No, it's not another Johnny Depp story.
It's "Reality TV's 25 Worst Criminals Exposed!"
But this six-page feature is not exactly exposing anyone. Instead, it is more of a wrap-up of any reality TV star who has had past criminal allegations against them.
There's Duane 'Dog' Chapman, who was allegedly convicted of murder 46 years ago and spent two years behind bars, even though he played no role in the killing and was simply waiting in a car for a friend who shot a drug dealer.
And there's TV's first 'Survivor' winner Richard Hatch, who was jailed 22 years ago for failing to report income to the IRS.
Old, old news dressed up as new. Yet another quality cover story for the 'Enquirer.'
"Brit & Sam Wedding: Who's Sorry Now?"
Britney Spears and new husband Sam Asghari supposedly "fear they may have rushed down the aisle" – even though they were together for five years before tying the knot, which hardly seems like acting precipitously.
There's no evidence to support this claim, only the allegation that Spears has been clashing with her mother and brother, which is also old news.
"Bitter Amber's Twisted TV Tales!"
The 'Enquirer' takes Amber Heard's continued claims of physical abuse by her ex-husband Johnny Depp and runs them through a voice stress analyser – modern science at its best – to claim she was "fibbing."
"Obamas Have Leg Up On Harry & Meghan!"
Barack and Michelle Obama, having ended their Spotify podcast deal, have reportedly signed a lucrative new deal with Amazon's Audible.
The 'Enquirer' views this as "tweaking the noses" of Prince Harry and Meghan, who have their own podcast deal with Spotify, as if it's a zero-sum game and the Obamas' success can only come at a cost to the Sussexes.
The rag paints them as rivals, claiming: "this move is a sign Barack wants to show Harry who the REAL first family of America is!"
Of course that's what the former president wants. He's not trying to create informative, entertaining and educational content; he's trying to show Harry who's No.1.
"It's No Joker! Fears Phoenix Batman sequel could spark copycat killings."
The 'Enquirer' notes "an explosion of gun violence across America," as if this is something new, and somehow enlists an alleged mental health expert to warn that Joaquin Phoenix's return as The Joker on screen "could encourage copycats or inspire mass murders!"
Can't argue with science. Who can forget the wave of violence that swept across America when Phoenix's first outing as The Joker was screened? Oh, that's right – it never happened.
Former president Bill Clinton dominates this week's cover, as he allegedly "breaks 30-year silence" to reveal "The Truth About UFOs & Area 51!"
This word "truth" . . . I do not think it means what the 'Globe' thinks it means.
Clinton allegedly "ordered White House staff to find captured aliens!" and the "US military used Roswell crash to harvest secret weapons!"
The former president recently confessed, during an appearance on 'The Late Late Show With James Corden,' that he sent staff to Area 51 "to make sure there were no aliens."
The 'Globe' admits that inspectors "found no evidence of aliens living – or being stored – at Area 51."
But of course the rag has spoken to "experts" who claim Clinton "was being coy and less than honest!"
And Clinton's brain is probably subject to mind control by the aliens at Area 51 anyway.
"Royals Blackmail Harry & Meghan!"
No, the Queen hasn't been cutting up magazine headlines and gluing letters into blackmail notes sent anonymously her grandson.
Rather, Buckingham Palace concluded its investigation into allegations that Duchess Meghan had bullied staff, reducing them to tears and forcing two to quit, but has kept its findings under wraps. This secrecy, claims the 'Globe' is "part of a royal family plot to blackmail [Harry and Meghan] into silence."
There's no evidence for this, of course, but it's certainly a compelling narrative if you happen to view Britain's Royal Family like a sprawling soap opera, with Harry and Meghan as its current villains du jour.
Just wait until the Queen dies, and Prince Charles wakes up to find it's all been a dream.
"Andrew In New Teen Rape Crisis!"
The bad times keep on rolling for Prince Andrew, who must wish the past few years were all a horrible dream. The prince is reportedly accused by "another Epstein slave!" Lawyers claim they will subpoena Andrew to testify about the latest accusations that he had sex with another of Epstein's innocent young girls.
Can the demand for a multi-million dollar pay-off be far behind?
"Maxwell Death Plot Exposed In Court!"
Writing about Jeffrey Epstein's former girlfriend and sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell before she received her 20-year prison sentence, the 'Globe' details court documents claiming a "murder-for-hire" plot to have her killed in prison.
Of course, the 'Globe' reported on this several weeks ago, but now it's actually in court papers the mag can hardly believe that it got one right, and so repeats the story with glee.
It's a country music-themed cover story this week, with "Miranda Lambert's Wild Ride."
The singer "shares what she's learned and how love grounded her."
Apparently Lambert has learned that she has to talk to the press about how she can be her "best self" if she wants them to wax lyrical about her new line of home goods, like the casserole dish "that's going to make a memory sitting on this table." Because memories are made of casserole dishes.
"Emma Thompson Wants To Talk About (Good) Sex."
And she does, intelligently and articulately, while promoting her new Hulu movie 'Good Luck To You, Leo Grande.'
"Britney Spears – New House, New Haircut . . . Newlywed Life."
Spears and hubby Sam Asghari are "more than ready to settle into newlywed bliss" – a very different tale from that told by the 'Enquirer.'
It must be summer, because this week's cover story is: "Diet Tips That Work!"
Jennifer Aniston is this week's "Summer" cover girl, while Kate Hudson reveals "cheat-day hacks" and Halle Berry discloses: "How to get those abs!"
Though if any of these stars actually spoke with the magazine to give diet and exercise advice, it would be a minor miracle.
"Love On The Rocks."
'Us Weekly' talks a happy romp through Hollywood marriages it claims are "under pressure" and about to crack: Julia Roberts and Danny Moder; Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth; Sandra Bullock and Bryan Randall. All supported by years of gossip that has consistently proven wrong.
Thankfully we have the crack investigative squad at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Jenna Coleman wore it best, that Idina Menzel has "recurring nightmares that I haven't graduated from college and that my teeth are falling out," and that the stars are just like us: they eat ice cream, chat on the phone, and carry their kids. Scintillating, as ever.
Elsewhere in the tabloids . . .
Prince Harry's marriage is in trouble according to this week's cover story: "Meghan's Cheating Fears!"
Promising a tale of "Jealousy, Lies & Harry's Wandering Eye!" the rag claims: ""Everyone's Talking About It!"
Really? Are we?
Harry and Meghan allegedly had a "massive fight about 'inappropriate texts'" and "She won't let him travel solo!"
But since Harry and Meghan have a team of 24-7 bodyguards, being solo is out of the question even when they are apart.
'Life & Style'
Bradley Cooper is this week's cover boy, and he allegedly "Tells All – Drugs, Fame & Dark Secrets."
Cooper reportedly admits: "I Was Addicted to Cocaine and So Lost."
But "Jennifer Garner and Will Arnett saved his life."
It's all lifted from Cooper talking candidly about his past substance abuse on Amazon Music and Wondery's SmartLess podcast.
Okay, so it's lifted from another source, but at least it has the benefit of apparently being true.
Onwards and downwards . . .