'National Enquirer'
Just in case you missed it, the 'Enquirer' helpfully tells readers: "America's Second Civil War Erupts!"
That should prove an interesting side-show to World War III, which the 'Enquirer' told us in April 2021 is "coming," having made the same prediction in April 2017.
How do we know that America's second Civil War has begun?
"Mass shootings! Violent mobs! Economic terror!" raves the rag, seemingly forgetting that those disturbing conditions are pretty much America's standard operating procedure."Why NO ONE is safe & democracy's in DANGER!"
Let's be thankful that we have the 'Enquirer' to fight for democracy, freedom and typographical liberation. We can all sleep a little sounder at night, knowing that any sentence can safely be littered with words in ALL CAPS
The tabloid weight police are out in force this week, with songbirds in their sights.
"Oh, Lardy!" laments the 'Enquirer,' after seeing recent photos of singer Pink, claiming that "Porky Pink has packed on an estimated 90 pounds."
Or she's just wearing a baggy sweater and pants.
Jessica Simpson suffers the other side of the tabloid's wrath: "Scary Skinny Simpson Takes Our Breath Away!"
The singer, for many years accused by the tabloids of being overweight, allegedly now looks "stick-thin" in a bikini. Naturally the tab trots out a random doctor to say that gaining and losing weight rapidly "puts her health at extreme risk."
Celebrities just can't win.
I's all over for Jennifer Aniston, as the 'Enquirer' declares: "For Jen, Time Is No Friend!"
According to the rag, the "Bubbly actress has gone flat after years out of limelight."
That's right: as iif she's a stale Alka Selzer tablet past her sell-by date, she's allegedly lost her effervescence.
Ignore the fact that Aniston has nine films in development, one in post-production and another poised to begin shooting, plus an Apple TV+ hit with drama series 'The Morning Show' for which she won a best actress Emmy nomination in 2020, is currently Emmy-nominated this year, and had another Emmy nomination in 2021 for producing 'Friends: The Reunion.'
How's that for going flat?
"She hasn't changed her look or her hair since about 2000," a "Tinseltown tipster tattles." Right.If that's the standard by which all Hollywood careers should be measured, then Tom Cruise's career flat-lined decades ago.
"Paralyzed J.Lo Drives Herself To Brink!"
No, she doesn't.
Lopez, aged 53, confessed that in her 20s – three decades ago – her relentless work schedule led her to panic attacks that left her barely able to move.
The 'Enquirer' rolls out a doctor who has never treated J.Lo to claim that those ancient panic attacks could return. She seemed perfectly ambulatory walking down the aisle with Ben Affleck earlier this month, though.
"Crybaby Prince's Poison Pen Letter!"
A "bitter letter" penned by Prince Charles 20 years ago complaining about household staff who "exercise their pathetic jealousies and vendettas in public" . . . is made public.
'Globe'
"Trump Family Feud Explodes!" screams the cover. "Lies! Betrayal! Insults!"
The former president who believes he is still president "has turned on his favorite child, Ivanka, over her greedy, self-serving husband Jared Kushner."
According to the politically astute 'Globe' political team: "Ivanka has been told Jared is no longer welcome in Donald Trump's inner circle."
It's hard to imagine that Trump is lucid enough to think this clearly, but that's the claim.
Yet the 'Globe' offers no substantive evidence of Trump souring on Kushner; there's only former senior White House advisor Kellyanne Conway allegedly critiquing Kushner for profiting from his father-in-law's presidency and for not taking responsibility for his part in Trump's 2020 election defeat.
"Why Harry's Becoming US Citizen!"
In the battle to control Britain's renegade prince, "Meghan wins!" exalts the mag.
It would make sense for Harry to become an American citizen for tax purposes – but that's not the reason why, according to the 'Globe,' which intuits a more sinister motivation: to allow Meghan "to pursue power and fame."
Because as every tabloid reader knows, Meghan wants to be President of the United States.
But she's currently the Duchess of Sussex, and the 'Globe' explains that Meghan's ambition to run for Congress – the first step on her ladder to the Oval Office – would be thwarted by the US Constitution prohibiting public officials from holding a title bestowed by "King, Prince or foreign State."
Naturally, "henpecked Harry" would give up his "royal titles & British citizenship" to help Meghan achieve her goal of global domination. At least, that's what the 'Globe'; believes.
'People'
South Carolina attorney Alex Murdaugh dominates the cover, after he is "finally charged with gunning down his wife and younger son."
'People' mag can't get enough of this story, which they have covered in depth before, and once again take readers "Inside a Night of Terror."
"J.Lo & Ben's Wedding." The mag offers "romantic details" about their surprise Las Vegas nuptials.
"We did it," is the headline, a quote taken from the "JLo newsletter" posted online for her fans.
But will she still be "J.Lo" after legally changing her name on their wedding certificate to "Jennifer Lynn Affleck?" Does that make her "J.Aff" now? It doesn't have the same ring to it.
"Oh hey, Demi!"
With this strangely unilluminating headline 'People' mag tells readers that as Demi Moore approaches her 60th birthday in November she is launching – and modelling – her new signature swimwear line. No guarantee that other 59-year-olds will look quite as good sporting Moore's bikini sets.
'Us Weekly'
Hollywood's newlyweds du jour command this week's cover: "J.Lo & Ben – Just Married In Vegas!"
Amid its superficial report of the nuptials, 'Us Weekly' claims the couple tied the knot without signing a prenuptial agreement – which seems hard to comprehend given that Lopez is worth an estimated $400 million, almost three times Affleck's estimated $150 million fortune.
Love can be blind, but since it's her fourth marriage you'd think J.Aff might have learned to protect her fortune by now. Or could 'Us Weekly' have this wrong?
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at 'Us Weekly' to tell us that Dakota Johnson wore it best, that comedian Nikki Glaser wants to "start a parrot rescue," and that the stars are just like us: they haul their luggage at airports, sway on swings, and sing along with bands at open air concerts. Celebrity antics at their most revealing.
Onwards and downwards . . .
